I started expressing breast milk, a bit more cold and clinical than the way I imagined feeding my baby would be. I would mark each bottle with a black marker, 'Date, time, EBM (expressed breast milk) Baby Kruger' and go to put it in the freezer in the NICU. But it would still be a few more days before she could start tolerating feeds. At 0.5ml per hour, that is. They started her on colostrum on the Tuesday, but had to stop again after her tummy had swollen up. She only had her first poo on the Thursday.
While I struggled to get my blood pressure down, Tabitha struggled for 4 days to get hers up. The lung doctor expected her to come off the oscillator by the Tuesday (she was born on a Sunday) but to no avail. She got Jaundice on the Wednesday, and by the Thursday they added another light when the bilirubin levels did not improve. On the Friday she had no less than three huge lights on her. We could hardly get close to her because the lights took up all the space around her bed. They decided to also do a blood transfusion to make sure the jaundice doesn't reach her brain. By Friday night her colour started to improve.
My stay in hospital was marked by the blood pressure machine visiting every few hours, lots of blood tests and tea every morning at 4am. My gynae decided to keep me there until my blood pressure stabilised. On the Friday he sent me home with a bag full of pills. The longest I've ever been in hospital was probably when I was born. They don't even let you sleep over for wisdom teeth or laser eye surgery. I've been blessed with good health my entire life. I still had to get my blood pressure checked at the hospital every day and keep my gynae up to date with my general health. Some days I were very flat or dizzy or pale, it was a weird time for me. I tried to take things easy while trying to establish a routine in between expressing milk, taking my medication and visiting the hospital. Wessel and my parents were very supportive, and so were our friends and other family. People brought us meals every night which was a great help and blessing. Generally I'm speechless if I think how good people have been for us during this time, even now. I'd like to express our most sincere thanks to everyone who have made a phonecall, sent a message, a gift, a meal, prayed for us or offered to do anything for us. I cannot begin to tell you what a difference it has made.
By the Sunday Tabitha was on 2ml of breast milk per hour. It is fed on a continuous basis with a syringe through a tube going through her nose directly into her stomach. By the end of the day they stopped her feeds again due to too much unabsorbed food in her tummy. The oxygen supply on the machine was increased to 50%. The doctors were worried about Bilateral Germinal Matrix Hemorrhage they had picked up on the sonar (bleeding on the brain). Her head circumference had also increased by 1cm to 28.5cm. The neurologist tried to explain their findings to us, and it all sounded pretty serious. The thing that she said that hit me the hardest was that they were still busy saving Tabitha's life. Only later will they start to deal with the damage/problems she might have.
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Jaundice - getting a tan
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| Daddy's thumb = my forearm |
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| Day 6 |
The Monday (day 8) was a very difficult day. The pediatrician showed us X-rays of her lungs. It was worse than the previous week. The air pockets on the one lung started 'bursting' because they are so thin and not properly formed yet. That caused air to be trapped around the lung, putting pressure on the lung itself. Her body would need to get strength from somewhere in order to repair this 'mechanical' damage.
Both our parents went home again that afternoon. Soon afterwards the doctor wanted to see us in her rooms. She informed us that Tabitha now also developed 3rd degree IVH (intra-ventricular hemorrhage) bleeding on the brain. Third and fourth degree IVH is regarded as pretty serious, and could have long term effects. The doctor also said that her little body can't handle too many different complications at once. She already has the lungs to deal with, and now this. If she should also get an infection or something, it could be fatal. Infections are also quite a common occurrence in prem babies. Basically, we were told, she is still very sick and there are no guaranteed outcomes.
The news were devastating, and the next day Wessel had to go back to work, starting a new position in a new department. Having him around all day to support me was a great consolation when I was feeling weak and despondent. We rested and prayed together that afternoon, and in the evening we went back to hospital and prayed for Tabitha. I realised that I will need to find my strength in the Lord each day, otherwise I will not make it. Trying to keep it together until the next wave of bad news arrives will not sustain me.
God's Word has sustained me when I was feeling at my weakest. And on that Monday, the following verses in particular…
Ps 111: 4, 7
Our God is gracious and merciful
All He does is just and good, His commandments are trustworthy.
Ps 112: 7
They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them, they are confident and fearless.
Heb 2:13, 18
I will put my trust in Him
Since He himself has gone through suffering and testing,
He is able to help us when we are being tested.
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