Day 49 – WHY?

Day 49

I'm sure the number one question that people ask when going through hard times in their life is WHY? Why God, why?

But God never explains. He doesn't have to, He is God. God never explained to Job why he had to go through his terrible suffering. I don't think Job's suffering was for the purpose of a chess game between God and Satan. In Job's specific instance, God allowed Satan to put Job through hell, but it seems like the end purpose of God's plan was not to say 'See, I won!'. The story is concluded with a conversation between God and Job in which Job says, 'My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you'. Through everything that happened, Job has come into a deeper relationship with God. God never told Job in the beginning 'If you pass this test I will reward you with double of everything'. Job decided to keep trusting God even though the world and even God seemed to be against him. And as the readers of the story we can see that God was there all along and that he had a purpose in mind for Job's own good, even though He didn't cause the things to happen, but He allowed it. We also see that the things didn't happen because Job was sinful and had to be punished. I also know that God doesn't bring or allow suffering to punish people. Jesus already took all our punishment upon Himself. In Jesus we are free from condemnation.

I'm not saying that Job's story is a blueprint of all the trails we may face. We don't know what the reasons or purpose is for our specific trials. But we can learn more about God's character and the way He works. Some people may say that Job's trials were too much and that no reward can make up for his losses. But God knows exactly what circumstances, both good and bad, are necessary to produce a certain result in our lives. We cannot always see what good can come out of a bad situation while in it, and there are no guarantees that we will see or understand it afterwards, but His ways are perfect, and incomprehensible.

I am sure it is ok to sometimes wonder why? Or to wonder what good a certain situation can possibly produce. But I have decided a long time ago that I will never ask God WHY in a demanding or accusatory tone. It just feels to me like that would be almost blasphemous. Like I put myself in a position where I think that I deserve to know or that I am questioning God's motives as if He can make a mistake or as if He is not entirely good. So now that I am facing possibly the greatest trial of my life, I will not change my decision. God is God and I am just me. Besides, I have never heard of anybody getting an answer to that question. If He does answer it, we will probably not even understand.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways"
declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
(Isaiah 55:8-9)

The way I see it God does not work out a plan the way we would work out a plan. If one of our avenues in a certain plan would fail, we can try something else, but then the end result might not be the same. Or we might run out of options and then we have to compromise or not finish the plan at all. I believe God's ways are much higher than our ways in that He can have a plan, but if a certain person in the plan doesn't obey Him, He will use someone else or an entirely different means. His plans are not dependent on people. Also if we ask something in prayer He may change things along the way, but the end purpose of His plan will prevail. Nothing that happens in between will throw him out. I know our brains can't figure it out, but then again He made our brains. He is not like us, so we shouldn't try so hard to be on His level. Its just silly.

People often answer the why's with 'because we live in a sinful and imperfect world, therefore bad things happen'. I totally agree with that. But I don't think God made the world, and then man sinned, and then he turned His back on us and said 'now you sinned, so deal with it.' That sounds like a bit of a deist view to me. I believe God was right there when Tabitha was born. He was there all along and He is still there. Yes imperfect births are inevitable in a sinful world where things are often imperfect, but God is still in control of the universe. He knows what's going to happen even before it happens. And He never leaves or forsakes us. That is why I can trust Him in this situation, because I know He allowed it to happen so He knows what the purpose of it all is and I know it will be for our good and His glory. We don't have to understand it.

 

I can also frown!

Tabitha is seven weeks old today. And becoming more beautiful to me every day. I just can't get enough of her, even though she can't do much. I am so happy to be able to spend time with her. I can hold her on my chest the whole day. And when she comes home, I will, literally. They say kangaroo care is so good for babies, but especially preemies. They grow faster and their heart rates and breathing are better regulated. My two cousins manufacture a kangaroo baby carrier, proudly South African, so I got one as a gift (thanks Alta!) and can't wait to use it. (Check out the website www.tigo.co.za.) It's just great. At the moment kangaroo care is restricted to a chair and you need a degree to manage all the pipes and tubes and lines connected to her. They may not pull or knot or come loose or hurt her. Can't wait for her to be 'cordless'!

The fungitel count of the other day seems to have progressed to a fungal growth somewhere according to new blood test results. So guess what. Yes! The operation will have to be postponed again! Just as well that it was not done on Saturday. The fungi can infect the shunt and damage it, but it can also infect her brain and cause more serious complications. I am done stressing about it. The good thing is her head has not grown in the last few days, in fact it seems to have come down from 36cm to 35.5cm today. So we'll just have to wait for her to get better before they can think of doing the operation. The ventricle tap is still not an option, thankfully. The neurosurgeon said that she is one very sick baby when he saw her today. I think he is referring to the fact that there are more than one complication going on, making treatment difficult, as with the shunt operation. And he is also referring to the state of her brain. Medically speaking the future does not look bright for her. Why God, why? Tempting. But God has a plan.

Fungi is apparently not an easy thing to get rid of. She has been on the antifungal antibiotics for 12 days already. But at least now that its growing they can determine which fungi it is. They will do sonars tomorrow to try and see where it is growing. Her platelets were down to a ridiculous 9 today. Like I said before, it should be above 150. They gave her some platelets, and tomorrow she'll have to get some blood again (this time aunty Minnette was kind enough to donate!) because her hemoglobin is down from 10.4 yesterday to 8.6 today. It should be above 10. The conclusion is that the low platelets is definitely because of the fungal infection.

She was also crying quite a bit today. Normally she hardly ever cries, except when you disturb her. It was upsetting because obviously something is bothering her. She must be either uncomfortable or in pain. When the nurse finally took out the one drip in her foot that was not working so well anymore, she stopped crying. It must have hurt her. Poor little baby. When she cries often I don't want to go home to eat because she needs someone there that cares enough to comfort her whenever she cries.  The nurses are good, but they're not her mother.

I just want to thank everybody again that is following this blog and showing so much interest in Tabitha's life, supporting us with emails, sms's, phonecalls, Facebook messages, etc. We are so thankful and blessed by it, (even though I don't always answer all of them). Just know that we really appreciate it so very very much. And please remember to keep on praying for Tabitha's health and healing! Lots of love.