Day 48

People, and even bunnies, like looking at me.

I've wanted kids all my life, I think. But Wessel and I only really decided that we were 'ready' for kids after settling into our marriage and doing a few final 'fun' things like going overseas. Although it seems like the next obvious thing to do after being married for 2 somewhat years, I knew it is a huge responsibility and not to be taken up lightly. But you also have to ask yourself why you want kids. I think if we have to be honest, all of us have some selfish or indirectly selfish reason for wanting or having kids. I've read that some mothers at crisis pregnancy centres say that they wanted to get pregnant to 'create' someone that loves them. Maybe others feel pressure to 'carry on the family name' or to get nice 'perfect family' pictures taken and post them on facebook, or just because babies are so cute. I think in the old days some people had kids to create a free labour force on their farms or businesses.

But when you realise that parenting is not about us but rather about God, as I recently did, the trials become more bearable. When God blesses us with a child, he entrusts one of His sons or daughters to us, to raise as our own on this earth. They are our children, but before they are our children they are God's children. That is why it is such a huge responsibility, because we are not just raising a body or a mind, but a soul. Raising your children with the fear of God and teaching them the gospel is success in God's eyes, I believe. I know its also nice to have all the other things, i.e. children who are clever and well educated and self-sufficient and well mannered and well liked and good at this and that, etc. But if you are serious about what pleases God you will raise your children to serve Him, before all the other things.

I know God has given Tabitha to us for a purpose. The trails along the way might be tough, so tough that we don't know if we can handle it much longer. But then again its not about us. Its not about our perfect family picture that we imagined. We are merely instruments for God to fulfil a certain purpose. Tabitha is His daughter before she is our daugther. Therefore it is our duty to care for her, love her and raise her to the best of our ability, by Gods grace and strength that He gives. Then we have been successful as parents. So that is what Wessel and I are going to do. 

The reason I talk like this is because yesterday the neurologist and I spoke, and she asked something in the line of 'What are we as parents prepared to live with'. I was not sure how someone is supposed to answer that. The pediatrician also asked us something similar a few weeks ago when we discussed the MRI scan results. So I told her that I understand that it would be selfish to keep a child on a machine forever just because you can't 'let go' and in the process you actually make the child suffer. But if the child can live without life support, but is severely impaired, how can you decide whether the child deserves to live or not? I told her we will take Tabitha as she is. Its not for us to decide if she deserves a place in the sun. God made her and she will be exactly as He intended. And we are her parents so we will take care of her. So the doctor said that we will be surprised to know what they see sometimes. Some parents of impaired kids will just leave the child at the hospital and tell them to find a home for them. I was shocked. But I guess it is inevitable in a society where we kill healthy kids that are still in the womb, also for selfish reasons. 

Today is Saturday, Heritage Day, National braai day. But for us it was not much different from our usual daily routine. Tabitha is doing quite well today. Except for a few bradys. They still took two final x-rays of the abdomen this morning, tracing the 'contrast' right into the rectum. It moved quite slowly, so she has not eliminated it yet therefore her tummy was still a bit distended. The good news is that there are no obstructions in her colon. They have therefore not been able to find any obvious cause for the falling platelets, which is down to 32 today. The doctor said it could be that its delaying to pick up after the fungal infection. She gave her something to get the bowel movements to speed up so that we could start feeds again. She is on 2ml/h continuous tube feeds again. 

Both Wessel and I were able to hold her for extented periods again and do all her nappy changing and facial hygiene. Yes, daddy also does dirty diapers. This daddy picks all the fun activities, he was also the first to have his daughter bring up milk on him on a previous occasion, much to the nurses' entertainment. 

We are still trusting God to do a miracle for our little Tabitha. With Him, nothing is impossible. We get scared sometimes when we are faced with her serious prognosis, but who knows what His plans are for her? We as her parents will be waiting patiently to see how it unfolds in front of us. God is good. 

But we must keep on praying!

1 Thes 5:16-18

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.