Day 51

We just got back from the hospital. I've been there since 2pm. I still picked up Tabitha this afternoon but after I put her down she had a big setback. She started getting apnea spells, that means she would stop breathing for short periods. But it kept happening for more than 10 minutes, then they phoned the doctor. I phoned Wessel to come immediately. In short the two doctors asked us to make a decision on how far we want to stretch Tabitha. The infection is quite severe and we looked at the MRI scan again. Previously I said it was 65% CSF and 35% brain. I was lying. We compared it to other prem babies' brains and its more like 10% brain. I am actually surprised that she is functioning as she is. Previously they thought the brain was under pressure and will decompress once the CSF is taken out with a shunt operation. But we know now that there is not a high pressure system in her head, so what you see is what you get. But I will not let them not give her a chance just because her future looks grim. Where there is life there is hope. We decided to put her back on the sipap machine, rather than the oscillator or ventilator. The doctor says if she goes back on a ventilator she'll probably never come off it again, and putting a pipe in her nose is eina. She is on 25% oxygen and the machine assists her breathing with 40 breaths per minute. We decided to not start antibiotics for incase she has a bacterial infection. We don't want to strain her body unnecessarily so we're willing to take that calculated risk. She has not had bradys since on the sipap, so that looks good, but she is still getting apnea. Yesterday I said she looked good for someone who is sick. Well since the setback she does not look good at all. She looks sick. They did an Xray of her lungs and it seems like there is something on there, could be the fungal infection. Could be that the apnea is caused by that, which is kind of good, otherwise it would mean that it is caused by a lack of brain function.

I wish I could stay at the hospital all night but I really need some sleep now so I'm gonna try and do that. She is not in my hands. She never was. She is in God's hands so I will just keep praying and trusting Him. Nothing else matters right now. PLEASE PRAY.

Wessel asked me if I have tasted her spit. He says it tastes like candy.