My wishes for Christmas and 2012

What a wonderful privilege to have some time to forget about all mandatory things at the end of a year. Being self-employed, this is the only time of the year where I can go somewhere without being on-call with my laptop on standby all the time. I tell everyone that I am unavailable until the new year starts and then I can switch off, guilt-free. I traded my cellphone for a book and started pursuing new hobbies like photography (got a camera for my birthday!). I also enjoy running by the coast – the increased air pressure makes me feel much fitter!

And if I didn't spend enough time thinking during the year, this is where I can catch up!  I don't look at next year and think 'this is going to be the best year ever'. Who knows what God is planning for us? If this is a prosperous and successful year it will be wonderful, but I'm not counting on that as a 'goal' where it is not in my power.   One thing that I am counting on is that no matter what happens this year, I know that God's grace and mercy will be abundant, just like it has been this year. I can honestly look back and say that 2011 was a good year. Not good as in I got everything I hoped for. Not good as in there was no pain or suffering. Not good as in there were no days where I wished that things could have been different. But good as in that God is real to me, now more than ever. Good as in that we have grown, and our families have grown. Good as in that we can see how God makes all things work together for good to those who love him.

With the new year just around the corner, don't get swept away by feel-good statements. Try and think to yourself if what is said is true in real life. Try to find out what God says on the subject. I'm not trying to be a doomsday prophet, but holding on to lies and being disappointed by reality is more destructive than just believing the truth in the first place. Jesus himself said in Hebrews 4 that in this world we will have trouble. We can expect it! We can hope for a smooth-sailing year with only weddings and no funerals, only promotions and no retrenchments, only health and no sickness, but we are not living on some imaginary planet where these things only happen to other people. You can spend your whole life trying to apply the correct formula according to your worldview to avoid bad things from happening. Speaking positively, living organically, recycling, going to church, giving away all your money, swearing less, whatever your thing is – nothing will buy you a life without difficulties!  You are mere human, just like everybody else.

The test of our faith is not figuring out how to avoid pain or to get God to smoothen out our path so that we will not experience any bumps in the road. The test of our faith is in holding on to Jesus, no matter what. He is the author and finisher of our faith. When things are unstable, He is our rock that never changes. We believe in Him not because of what He can do for us, but because of who He is and what He has done. Our immediate circumstances should not be a test for Jesus. Its a test for us!

Off course He can do all things. But wouldn't that be too easy? Everybody would run to Him to get what they want, rather than getting to KNOW HIM. I can honestly say that during the many prosperous years of my life I have not made much effort to really get to know Jesus. This is an obvious answer to the question of 'WHY?'. Stop Why-ning. Take up your cross and follow Jesus. He wants us to follow Him, not use Him. 

Jesus was sentenced to crucifixion by the religious leaders because he 'blasphemously' 'claimed' to be God. If He lied, what a stupid thing it would be to do. If only He said that he wasn't God he could have spared himself much suffering and death. But He can't lie. So he got killed in the most brutal and humiliating way imaginable. And then He proved to the world that He really is God. Not by showing off flashy horses (he walked or rode on donkeys), ordering many servants around and sporting bling jewellery and clothes. But by rising from the dead. Does He really still have to prove Himself to anybody?

Its two days before Christmas. My advice to all my friends would be to set aside everything you have been taught in respect to how you view God and how life works. Make it your mission this year to start new and get to know this God through what He has already told us about Himself in His Word. Read the Bible for yourself. If you think its too difficult get a study guide Bible with good commentary. But start somewhere. And I firmly believe that if you seek God with all your heart, you will find him. You don't need to know Greek or Hebrew. You just need a heart that seeks the truth.

And if you only read one scripture this Christmas, let it be this one:

Hebrews 4: 14
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

My prayer for all for 2012 is that it will not necessarily be a year free of difficulties, but that we will find Jesus in our difficulties. He knows. He understands. And He promises an eternity where our joy will be full and pain will be no more. I pray that no difficulty will knock us down, or make us loose hope, but that we will persevere until the end, as a test of our faith. 

Ps. Don't forget to buy the 5 January edition of You/Huisgenoot! Tabitha's story is featuring.

Dear Tabitha

Dear Tabitha,

I think about you all the time. I know you must be doing very well. I had a party yesterday and wished you could also be here. Everybody thinks your room is beautiful. I borrowed it to some of your friends who needed their nappies changed! 

Time is going by fast. You would have been four months now already. For you four months must seem like 4 seconds. Or 4 years. I wonder if you are growing up at the rate that kids here on earth grow up, or if you are waiting for us to meet you again one day as a baby? Either way I don't mind. The important part is that we'll see each other again one day. I'll hold you against my heart like I held your second cousin (I think that's what she is to you!) last night, no matter how old you are. 

Do you have lots of friends? Do you think about us? Do you also have parties and eat too much ice cream? I sometimes think about that second last day before you left us. I was holding you but you were uncomfortable, getting lots of bradys and desaturations. One of the nurses said that you are not enjoying this. I thought to myself, no, offcourse not. None of your life has been very enjoyable at all, but being held by your mother is probably one of the few things that you do enjoy. After that day things quickly went downhill, but I treasure the special times we had together, even though some people think you didn't enjoy it – I know you did. 

Daddy and I still talk about you and wonder what you would have looked like now. I wonder how differently I would have spent my days if you were still here. I am so busy with work and other things, but I would have put everything else aside if you were still here. Nothing that seems important now would have mattered to me. I want time to stop so I can sit and think about every moment with you so that it doesn't become a far distant faded memory. Stop or hurry up, one of the two. My impatience to fill your nursery again with a brother or sister makes me wish that time would hurry up. But we have to trust that in Christ's perfect timing. He was first patient with us.

Do you realise how much your life has taught us, and the impact it has had on many people? For one thing, I learnt what faith really is. Its not holding on to a hope for something that you wish for or want (believe me, I still wish that things could have been different). Its not wishful thinking. Its not mind over matter. Its not refusing to acknowledge or verbalise the facts. Its also not verbalising the wish or repeating a magic phrase. It's the peace that we have that our Father knows best and that His Word is true and that He is sovereign and therefore no matter what happens, we are safe. Faith is not something we do that can make any difference to the outcome. Faith is how much we understand the Bible and accept it. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Some things the Bible predicted have come true already, so in that sense we have an advantage above people like Abraham, Moses and Noah who had faith without seeing what we see. Other things we read about, we know will happen, because we have faith. Our hope is in Jesus and not in any earthly wish, need or want.

Daddy says that your joy is infinitely abundant, that we can never comprehend it. Knowing this makes my heart joyful too. Things about God and the Bible that we are still trying to figure out you must already understand. That must be wonderful! Knowing Jesus is wonderful, and you know Him fully now. The greatest dreams any parent can have for their child has already been answered for us. Just know we are proud of you my darling. You are an incomprehensible gift.

With love,

Mommy and Daddy.

A time to mourn

Its been no less than two months since we said goodbye to our dearest Tabitha. Time heals they say. I can't say I agree at this stage. I just miss her more and more. In our culture mourning seems to be socially unacceptable. People don't know how to mourn. It is something we do in private because people generally are uncomfortable with it.  Our culture loves celebrations though. We celebrate everything. People are comfortable with positivity and celebrating anything from birthdays, weddings, graduations, end of the year, beginning of the year to Christmas, Easter, Ramadan, sometimes irrespective or in spite of the fact that they are religious or not. We have all kinds of ways to celebrate. Food, drinks, balloons, gifts, cake, music, fire works, and the more people the better. But its not natural to be happy all the time and not see that life is not just one big celebration. There is a time for celebration and laughter, but laughter is superficial and joyless if not seen in relation to the occasional sorrow. A child, for example, that has everything, does not appreciate anything.

Matt 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

My friend, Janine, said something that I really appreciated when we first found out that Tabitha had serious brain damage. She was crying on the other side of the phone and she said that when one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with them. You know what I did not need at that time? Someone to say that all my problems will go away and that I must just stay positive. Its just not helpful. Reality must be faced and through faith we know that God is in control of every situation. No person can do anything to change the situation, but a person can show that they care by feeling your pain rather than trying to talk you out of it. Grief can be very inconvenient – for us! I know it is really difficult for most of us to really put ourselves in someone else's shoes. We are too comfortable in our own lives and we don't want to get our hands dirty. But that is what the love of Christ does. I can see it in other Christians by the way they get out of their comfort zones and learn what someone else's pain is like, empathise with them and suffer with them as if the pain was their own. You might think its pointless. Lets rather do what we do best and find something to celebrate, lets just cheer each other up! Lets just talk about something else then we don't have to think about the bad things! Just keep calm and carry on like nothing ever happened! But there is a time for mourning.  

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...

Lets embrace it with those that need our love and compassion. Some things do not get better with yet another party.

Many churches today also ignore mourning as a legitimate part of life.  We should mourn our losses, mourn the rebellious state of the world and also mourn our sins, like God does because it separates us from Him. But sin is hardly mentioned anymore. We prefer to talk about the secret to success, how to reach your potential or how to avoid suffering. Being 'happy' all the time apparently equates to nailing the spiritual walk. Sometimes what we need to hear is not what we want to hear. As Martin Luther said in his first point of the 95 Theses that started the reformation: When Jesus said 'Repent' he called for the entire life of believers to be one of repentance. What is repentance without regret and mourning? Not true repentance, I tell you! 

Thinking about death is probably the most rewarding thing we can do. Like Salomon said in Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting,

for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. 

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. 

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

Many will go through great effort to get to a wedding, but few will do the same to get to a funeral. In essence I think that is what Solomon is also saying. But thankfully our lives as Christians do not end in sadness. Our mourning is just for a short while. Through faith we know this, because the Bible reveals some of it to us, hence the book called REVELATION. There will be a great wedding feast. Jesus will come to fetch His bride, the church. (The church is everyone who belong to Jesus – nothing to do with membership or denomination!) Only those belonging to Him and who's sins have been forgiven will be invited! Everyone will wear white and it will be a celebration better than the best party you've ever been to! Only then can we say that we will never be sad ever again and life in the Kingdom of God will be a true celebration! He will make all things new!

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Sebastian goes home!

Getting ready to leave!

Mommy Monika, who will not miss driving
all the way from Benoni each day!

Yesterday was a big day. Tabitha's ex neighbour, Sebastian, went home after 20 weeks, 140 days in NICU. That is 6 and a half weeks short of half a year. I can't believe how far he has come. I wish his mother can tell you all about his journey but I'm sure she's got her hands full now with two babies at home (his brother is 13 months now). He was born on 5 July at 26 weeks, weighing something like 800g. He is now 1 month past his due date, and weighs 3kg. His ups and downs were too many to mention. The miracles along the way are still mind boggling. Finally he is well enough to go home.

Peacefully unaware of the big moment in his life!

I didn't want to miss it for the world. I took my camera and stood by to take some pictures of the big event. The nurses even baked him a cake to bid him farewell (a little sail boat, metaphorically setting off into the sunset)! He felt a breeze of fresh air and sunlight for the first time in his life as his mother put him in his car seat. Beautiful, although his mother was quite stressed. What if he stops breathing? No more checking the monitor to see that he is ok! She is now all by herself and the financial burden is also a frightening thought, especially for a single mother with a baby like Sebastian who will need special care, special milk, extra therapy and extra visits to the doctor. They still don't know for sure if he will be normal (by a miracle) or if he'll be impaired to some degree. Let's pray that he'll catch up with his development and be able to live a normal life!

His gran apparently said a while back that they are not good enough people to deserve a miracle. Good on her for not falsely thinking that they deserve anything. None of us deserve anything out of God's hand! We have all sinned and rebelled against God and fallen short of His glory! The ones thinking they are bad and even the ones thinking they are good. As Christians we don't believe in getting rewarded for doing good or being punished for doing bad while here on earth. That is karma, an eastern belief, with reincarnation and all of that where a person must try and save themselves. Sometimes I wish it was that simple, so we could be in control of our own destiny and determine what happens to us!!! But no, it doesn't work that way, no matter what your life coach tells you. We believe in a final judgement. The Judge, who is perfect and just, will one day judge all people. Not based on how 'good' or how 'bad' we've been, because that would be easy. We'll all go straight to hell because the bar is set very high. The standard is perfection, and none of us are perfect. He'll judge us based on our righteousness, which can only be achieved by being justified in Jesus, who took the punishment for our sins, once and for all. That means Jesus bailed us out of jail. We did wrong, and then an innocent Man volunteered to take our punishment so we can go free. Only in Jesus do we 'deserve' a reward, which is Heaven. Apart from Him we deserve nothing short of hell.

But how can a loving God send anyone to hell, you may ask. He is loving, yes, which is why He sent his son Jesus to be murdered for our salvation. But He is also just. He cannot be corrupt, because He is holy and perfect. Letting a guilty person go free is unfair and unjust even by our worldly standards. So why do we expect God to make an exception?

Nobody can deny that God exist. We can see His glory all around us. The whole earth brings glory to Him, every living thing, except the crown of His creation, man. We have believed the devil's lie that we can be as gods ourselves. That God will not judge us but that we can judge God.

We are 'in' Jesus when we realise our sinful and hopeless state, confess our sins and believe that He, unlike the prophets, founders and gurus of other religions, died but is not in his grave any more! He rose again because He is the only true and living God! Narrow minded to think that He is the only way? No people, check the facts, he's dead body could not be found, because he is not there anymore! And then He will take our sins away and give us a new heart that wants to bring glory to Him, forever! Praise the Lord!

Ps. Tabitha's article will appear in the 5 January 2012 version of Huisgenoot and You. But I'll remind you again closer to the time!

Two beautiful F words

My one friend invited me to run with her in the mornings. She said she wants to get into road running again and if I would be interested to be her running partner. But I know she's lying. She's totally doing it for my sake. She's probably thinking healthy body, healthy mind. But who can get depressed when you have amazing friends like that! I'm so thankful for every single one of them.

By Noranne Dovey

Isn't it beautiful?
It makes me think of Tabitha and smile!

I'm also thankful for the amazing people I've met and became friends with through Tabitha's life. Some I've only met on facebook, but we have made a connection and hopefully we'll get to meet in real life one of these days. I've had people coming out of nowhere, stumbling across my blog by chance, (or maybe through God's hand), inviting me for coffee – my one newly found friend even painted beautiful pictures of us, for us. I must still get it from her! (She's also available for commissions!!!) 

One of my old friends, also put me in contact with one of her friends, who lost her twins 5 years ago. I'm looking forward to meet her soon! She is on her way to Cape Town at the moment to visit her sister, who had a baby 2 weeks ago, sadly also born with complications and still in NICU. His name is Benjamin Marais and you can read updates on his progress here.

Wessel's brother got to go home last week and is delighted to be home after 1 and a half weeks in ICU and just over 2 weeks in hospital. We went to see them this weekend. It's good to see him on his feet again! We thank the Lord for his speedy recovery! He'll rest at home for a while but hopefully he will be able to go back to work next year.

I had lunch today with another new friend, Sebastian's mom. What a roller coaster ride it has been (and still is) for her. Remember last time I mentioned the operation he had to get to insert a feeding tube. The operation was a success but he had a hard weekend after that, getting lots of fits and making his mother stress. They did another MRI scan on his brain and it seems like God did a miracle because unlike before, and after getting all the fits, there was no scarring and the blood clot had resolved! But the doctor said that realistically they still expect him to be disabled to some extent, just not sure what that extent will be, because he's been through so much and 4 and a half months in NICU is not something you just walk away from without consequences. And then on Monday they said he can come home on Wednesday (tomorrow)! We were SOOO excited! But today he had an obstruction in his bowel again so there we go again. Around and around...up and down we go! I'm telling you this is one of the hardest things I think anyone can go through. Please continue to pray for her and Sebastian. The good thing is she's come to know Jesus through this whole ordeal so once again this is proof how God can use our circumstances to work together for our own good! God is good!

Did I mention before that I love the Bible. We chatted about it today as well and every time I am just amazed at what an amazing book it is. The whole thing is grafted together in one big story that contains everything we need to know about anything and the theme of the book is Jesus. The whole plot from the beginning maps out God's redemption plan for humankind through Jesus. We know it to be true and God to be true because it proofs itself to be true. It knows stuff that no human being could have known, because it was inspired by God. About the planet, the universe, science, politics, both past, present and future. The prophecies are all fulfilled in Jesus. Not 80% or 90% of them, but all of them. Don't be intimidated by it. Explore it. Study it. If you're looking for the truth, you will find it. If you don't want to find the truth because you're afraid that you'll have to change and you don't want to, you won't find it. Cool hey?

One of the analogies I recently enjoyed is the one of bearing fruit. The Bible has the best metaphors in the world. Fruit is delicious and one tree's fruit can be enjoyed by everybody. Note that fruit is not everything we want it to be. Bearing fruit is not something you DO. Its a result of being planted firmly in fertile soil and getting enough sunshine, water and oxygen. (Being rooted in the Word of God and feeding yourself daily). Good fruit comes when you kill pests before it destroys your crop (sin). And in order to bear good fruit the tree has to be pruned in the right season (trials). Trees don't go around boasting about their fruit. Its just there and people are blessed by it. Its what comes out and you don't feel the need to boast about it on social media, because you know its by grace and not your own strength. Christians these days unfortunately are sometimes not measured by their fruit but by their works and so called 'achievements' that they believe they achieve for God through their 'ministry'. If they pray and fast everybody needs to know so that everybody can know how spiritual they are. If they help the poor they have to get the media to do a press release. The examples go on and on. What is fruit according to the Bible?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22,23)

This is how you recognise a fruit bearing Christian! Not by DOING certain things but by just being Christian. By the way, notice how all these things can only be tested when circumstances are the opposite. E.g. love is best revealed when someone is unloving towards you, joy is only evident when life is difficult and you can find your joy in Jesus despite of it, etc. Being peaceful when you're at the spa with Kenny G playing in the background while you're getting a massage is not a fruit of the spirit, you catch my drift.

Rather be a small tree that is still busy growing, aiming to bear real tasty fruit in a few years' time, than one with a lot of fancy shmancy kitch Christmas decorations, disguising the fact that there are no fruit on it in the first place!!!

Those of you still trying to figure out the two words – its Friends and Fruit.  :)

 

My favourite room

I thought I'll post some pictures of Tabitha's room, since it is my favourite room in the house. When she was born we hardly had anything ready, except a few loose items and ideas in my head. As the furniture arrived things started to take more shape. There were times while she was in hospital when I was so sure she was going to come home so I continued to get everything ready. I remember the weekend before she died, I still packed out the chest of drawers and showed my mother in law all her little outfits. I couldn't wait for her to wear everything. After she died there were still a few elements missing, like the wall decor I had ordered online. Nevertheless, I decided to finish it off the way it was planned. You might think its sad but its not necessarily a sad place for me. I know one of these days we'll get the chance to use it the way it should be used. In the meantime I want to remember her and having all her items together in one room helps me do that. Obviously most of the items she never got a chance to use. But there is also a little white box with items from the hospital, like hair locks we cut off after she died, her socks, hats, her little blood pressure band, dummies and the prem nappies she used to wear. The top drawer also has some of the blankies she used, including her weighted blanket (it helped keep her calm when she was jittery), unwashed. 

There are two pillows in the room that I made, the one is pieced together from scraps of material, and the other one has a heart out of crocheted roses, with the words 'grace and beauty'. That is what Tabitha means. I made them before she was born.

Next to the dandelion above her cot is a ceramic plate with her foot prints, made by the nurses on the day of her death. It is a beautiful memory. It has her name and her date of birth and date of death. The nurse brought it to me the other day while I was having coffee with my friend, Sebastian's mother. It is so special! I also went up to say hello to some of the other nurses and I got to see beautiful little Sebastian as well.

I said the other day that people don't know how to handle death. I must include myself in that statement. Sometimes I find myself saying the stupidist things. I said that I like to talk about Tabitha, but the other day I saw someone and she said she heard I had a baby. I said yes. She said is it a boy or a girl? So I said its a girl...(pause) but she died. Full stop. The poor woman didn't know what to say and I didn't elaborate. I was so blunt. Maybe I thought she must've heard by now or I don't know but the fact is she didn't know. 

I like it when people say that they're sorry to hear, even if they might think that there are no words that can make me feel better. Its nice to know that people care or that they took notice that there was a little girl named Tabitha, and she mattered. But then I find myself saying more stupid things like 'yes it was tough but its over now'. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? It's not over! She may not be here anymore but I miss her every day and I wish that she could also be healthy like all the other healthy kids I see around me every day and that I can hold her one more time! I don't think its over until that glorious day arrives when I will see her again. I find myself getting emotional when I sing songs in church about that day. Don't get me wrong, I have made peace with everything that happened but I am still human and I still miss my baby girl. 

When I look around me there are so many bad and sad things happening in people's lives. My prayer list has never been this long. I believe that God is using it to tell us to WAKE UP and stop wasting our lives on meaningless petty little things that has no value for our souls and for other people's souls. Its so easy to stay busy doing things that might seem important to us, but in the bigger scope of things they mean nothing. Many people might not understand it, and it might seem cruel to some, but God cares more for our souls than what he cares about our comfort and happiness on earth. Jesus said in Matthew 16:24

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?  For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done."

I believe God will even push you to your limits if that is what it takes to learn to trust Him with all your heart. It's not about how strong we are or how much we can handle. Its about being made strong when we are at our weakest. Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 12:10 - For when I am weak, then I am strong. Therefore we can be thankful in all circumstances because God is using it to our benefit. Isn't that great to know? 

So here is an update from a part of my prayer list...

Gerhard, my brother in law. He's shown such great improvement the last few days after his motorbike accident two weeks ago. He was moved out of ICU last week Thursday and is on his way home tonight! We thank God for his speedy recovery! Pray with us that he will continue to get stronger and that all the pain meds won't mess him up too much! Apparently those rib breaks are the worst...

Sebastian, Tabitha's ex NICU neighbour. He has had his 4 month birthday this week and has been through so much during this time. He had a feeding tube operation on Friday to help him with his feeds because he struggles to learn how to suck. He doesn't like anaesthetics much so this whole weekend was a bit rough for him and his mother. He went for an MRI scan this afternoon to check how his brain is doing. Doctors expect him to be disabled. We don't know what's going to happen but his mother and I are trusting God because He is in control! And miracles can still happen!

And then another friend of mine ended up in hospital on her 30th birthday last week. Her body is showing weird symptoms and the doctors are still doing tests in order to make a diagnosis. She obviously doesn't know what to expect so having to wait makes it even more difficult.

If you want you can pray with me for these people and their families! They will appreciate it very much!


 

Help, I'm disillusioned!

Since I have the blog now I might just as well share some more honest thoughts. If you don't like it I apologise in advance. But at least consider it before you switch off!

I really appreciate people who can be honest and talk freely about things that matter. There is nothing as frustrating for me as wasting time talking about the weather and Malema. Especially after being exposed to reality in so many ways. Not only my own, but also after seeing other people who are going through really tough times. Its so easy, especially here in Joburg, to get caught up in materialism, vanity and impressing others. Really people. 

Its overwhelming how many people are uncomfortable with death. Or anything terrible that happens for that matter. Especially Christians. I'll tell you why. Some Christian circles teach that prayer is like a magic wand. God is just waiting for you to pick it up and speak the magic words and there you go. God acts on your request. Or demand. Or 'declaration'. Or they believe that by their 'obedience', which in actual fact is just the keeping of the law, they are entitled to certain successes. I'm getting sidetracked here, but the truth is that Jesus came to fulfill the law. Isaiah 64:6 says that our righteousness are as filthy rags. Your works do not impress God. And in Galatians 5:4 Paul says that You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. So if you think that anything other than accepting the work of Jesus on the cross and being forgiven for your unrighteousness by grace will earn you anything, you have missed the gospel completely. Yes, if anybody tells you to be saved by grace and do this or that, they are teaching a false gospel. Obviously if you realise that you're getting a gift that you don't deserve and that you are made righteous by grace alone, you would want to turn away from any sins. But it starts with a change of heart. It cannot be imposed on someone from the outside. What I'm trying to say is that even the most law-abiding prayer worrier Christian do not 'deserve' and therefore cannot claim any earthly blessing.

Other people who are into life coaching, positive thinking and motivational talking also try to avoid or ignore the subject of death. They believe that you are the master of your own universe, that you can shape your future and that happiness and success comes from your own inner strength, you must just tap into it and train your mind to do all sorts of things and wallah. Magic.

These types of people are disillusioned when a baby dies. And if it is the baby of a Christian who prayed, believed God and maybe even applied positive thinking techniques, even more so. That is why so many people tell me 'wow its so amazing that you went through all of this and kept your faith'. I can't imagine loosing your faith just because things do not go according to plan. I can imagine loosing your faith if you believe in the magic wand prayer and all the other stuff I mentioned. I would also. I know these things cannot be true because firstly the Bible doesn't teach it and secondly because it doesn't work. It only works when things go according to plan. Certain things we can control. But sometimes God reminds us that we are not in control. He is. We are small and insignificant. We are nothing to be proud of. No achievement can impress him. No good deed or cause will sway his thoughts about us. In ourselves, he sees our sin, because He is holy. But He also loves us and worked out our redemption from the beginning of time. Through Jesus He sees us as righteous and worthy to spend eternity with Him. How silly it would be to think that we can save ourselves.

Huisgenoot phoned me yesterday. They're going to use Tabitha's story in an article. I hope that more people who are faced with the realities of life will find peace and comfort in God (the real God that is!) in reading her story.

Four weeks ago

Four weeks ago around this time we experienced the last precious moments with our sweet baby girl. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the events of that last day replay in my mind like a movie. I enjoy tuning in to watch. I often get tears in my eyes but I like thinking about her and remembering what it felt like to touch her soft skin and stroke her silky hair and kiss her neck and let her fingers wrap around one of mine. The memories are so dear to me but I'm afraid I will forget them. I remember the joy of listening to her soft breaths. I remember the pain in my heart when she cried. And I remember the silent moments where I just sat and watched her for hours.

I know in some cultures its not allowed to talk about the deceased after the funeral. Well, I couldn't do that. I like talking about my baby. Its weird being childless and not pregnant, after everything that has happened. Work came crashing on me again with a bang and from the outside it looks like things are back to normal. I don't want to continue like we're back to normal. I am a mother, I have a baby, even though she's not with me but with Jesus. Like other mothers I like talking about my child. And don't worry, I won't break out in tears if you mention her name. I am not emotionally unstable.

The lady from the Breast Milk Bank came to collect all her milk on Monday. I told her all about Tabitha. Her huge round cooler bag was not big enough so we filled up another three plastic bags full. She told me that I am only the 45th donor for this year, so I'm sure they'll be able to put Tabitha's milk to good use.

The census guy came by on Tuesday. He was not very interested, but I got to talk to him about Tabitha as well. Not in detail, but I had to answer questions like 'Have you had a baby before', and when I said yes the guy couldn't make out why we're only two people staying here. So I said she died. I had to give her birth date, and answer more questions like 'Were you pregnant when she died?' and 'Did she live less than 6 weeks?' No. She lived more than 6 weeks. She counts. She had more than 6 weeks on this earth! 'Reason for death?' Natural causes.

I get sad when I see other friends of mine who's had babies this year.  There are so many. Fourteen new babies if I count quickly. They get to do normal things like be sleep deprived and worry about feeding patterns. They get to not find time to do anything else. They get to hang out in the baby isles at the shops. They get to see their babies grow up and do a first sound, first smile, first crawl, first steps. Another friend of mine sent me a message shortly after Tabitha died. She said that Tabitha is probably skipping with the other heaven children by now. Or maybe He will first let her roll, sit and then crawl, He knows how important milestones are! That's how I like to imagine it!

Sometimes I think its unfair. But I never get to dwell much on that thought, because I know every gift we have on this earth is just that. A gift. We don't deserve any of it anyway. Don't say life is unfair. The only fair thing is that we all die and go to hell. That is what we deserve. Not one of us are good. We might think we are but compared to perfection (Jesus) we are all bad. None of us can live up to the standard. Maybe according to our own standards we are good, but not according to God's standard. He is the ultimate Judge so that should be the only standard that counts. At the final countdown our opinions don't matter.

That's why we are hopeless without Christ. We desperately need His salvation to be reunited with our Father in Heaven. Through the perfect Lamb's ultimate sacrifice on the cross and His resurrection can we 'deserve' heaven.  Its not by our own efforts, which should be a relief to most of us. 1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

That is the most precious gift of all. The gift of getting better than what we deserve. Just sad that so many reject it because they trust their own opinions rather than listen to the truth of God. It is there for everybody who is humble enough to receive it. And it is the ONLY way, although you might think I am being politically incorrect. Sorry, our opinions don't count! But you do get to choose, just like everybody else. At least we can all agree that life is fair in that sense.

I look forward to the day that I will get to heaven and have my daughter come running to say hello and show me her room, or maybe her castle! We will spend eternity together where there are no heart rate monitors, no needles, no antibiotics, no pain, no crying and no sadness. That is where life truly begins. O, how I look forward to that day! I'm not saying I want to die yet, I think I want to at least take some sibling(s) for Tabitha with me if God wills!

Update on Gerhard - He is doing much better although he had us worry a lot on Monday when he had a fit. Thank God there does not seem to be any brain injury like they suspected. He is on a ventilator to help his lungs function properly while he is on pain relief medication.  He has it pretty bad with 14 breaks in his left ribcage alone! Please continue praying for him and his family as we trust that he will continue to get better.

Have a wonderful day everybody!

Get a hardcopy of this blog

Some people have requested a printable format of the blog for friends and family that do not have access to internet. You can download an A4 printable version of the whole blog here

(To download the pdf, right click on here and 'save link as')


I will update it from time to time when I add more posts. Hope it helps!

An unexpected curveball

Rough weekend. We were just starting to return to normal weekend activities, except maybe that they would be a little more busy, with a whole line of friend lunch and dinners lined up (catching up for lost time!) when Wessel phoned me. I was doing my weekly shopping. He sounded terrible. His brother had been in a motorcycle accident in Lesotho, where he and a few fellow bike enthusiasts went riding for the weekend. We didn't have much news so we didn't know what to expect. We decided to go down to Bloem to try and offer some support. 

On our way there, the news came through that he would probably be transported to the Medi Clinic in Bethlehem, so we changed course and went straight there. The rest of the family, including his wife and two kids, are in Bloem. We waited a while in Bethlehem to hear whether he was on his way to Bethlehem or if they were flying him down to Bloem. By 5pm they still haven't reached the border of Lesotho, so we went to Clarens (30km outside of Bethlehem) to have dinner. Wow the vibe there is so much nicer than in Bethlehem! 

To make a long story short, he finally arrived in Bethlehem, and they took some x-rays. He must have had such a hectic day, being on the stretcher in the ambulance for 5 hours on the unpaved and potholed roads in Lesotho. He broke his collarbone and about 10 ribs, some in more than one place. So every bump on the road must have been excruciating. He also developed some bleeding around his liver. The good news was that he was stable and that he could talk to us and that generally he came off it quite lightly. It could have been much worse.

Hanging out in the hospital, and especially the ICU felt way too familiar. We needed no introduction to any of the machines. Wessel looked at the X-ray and made a few comments. The nurse looked at him and asked if he is a doctor! Haha. He runs the risk of sounding like a doctor or acting like one wherever he goes.

We tried to update the family as much as possible, and today we also went there early to try and speak to a doctor and see if they can transfer him to Bloem. A million phone calls to try and get him airlifted to Bloem was to no avail. Eventually the ambulance came to pick him up and they left for Bloem just before 3pm. That was when we also came back to Joburg. What a weekend. We are just relieved and thankful that he seems ok under the circumstances and given enough time and good care, he will be back to his old self again. 

I took a book with to read, and interestingly enough the chapter was about living a selfless life. Do you know that Paul and Moses actually cared so much for other people that they were willing to sacrifice their souls (i.e. go to hell!) if only they could see the people's souls be saved? (See Romans 9:3 and Exodus 32:32). I'm pretty sure I'm not there yet. This is an interesting road. We grow as we go.

When something so traumatic happens people respond differently. But for me with the whole Tabitha experience, I wanted to dig deeper to find truth. There’s a temporary sort of consolidation in well-intended, philosophical fairytale consolations, but lasting, meaningful consolidation can only be found through knowing God. And the best way to get to know God is to read His book. When you read His book and you don’t understand it, don’t worry. You have the rest of your life to let Him teach it to you. One of the best ways, I think, God reveals Himself and His Word is through trials. Its often also through trials that we learn to pray.

Why should we pray if God is sovereign and He already knows what He wants to do? Sometimes God’s will is to deliver us from the adversity, sometimes it is the provision of grace to accept the adversity. Either way it is an act of faith, so we always need to pray. And I think its always fine to pray for God’s deliverance, because we always want deliverance. As long as we do it with a humble acceptance that His will will be done. Jesus did the same when He asked God to let this cup be taken from Him (referring to the crucifixion). But He added,”Not my will, but Your will be done”. (Matt 26:39)

I believe then we can always be assured of the best possible outcome. God always knows best! And if the situation turns out to be one of those, like mine, where you have to accept the adversity, God will provide enough grace that you will be able to handle it. Don't go to Jesus for good advice on how to fix your life. Instead receive the good news that Jesus is faithful!

I pray that God will also be glorified through Gerhard's situation, even though it is unfortunate and not pleasant to go through for him or the rest of the family. But I believe that God delivered him from a potentially life threatening situation! We are so thankful. Please pray for a speedy recovery and no further complications. And off course, that God will provide his beautiful family with the necessary strength and peace to deal with this situation, one day at a time.

Tabitha's scrapbooking

Telkom finally came through for us! So here are a few pics from Tabitha's scrapbook as promised...

We're being challenged this week with technology letting us down. Not only Telkom, and therefore no internet, but also both our phones, and my laptop's battery (ordered a new one 2 weeks ago but the late Steve Jobs' passing is now blamed for a delay in orders!), and our dishwasher (we've also been waiting for a new pump for over 2 weeks – ironically the guarantee expired on Tabitha's birth date). Navigating being supposedly back at work via the pitfalls is just ridiculous, I won't bore you with the details! And no, I don't know why everything happens at once! But at least we are slowly getting there with having internet again since a few hours ago. We really are lost without our gadgets. Being degraded to a Nokia when you're not used to it any more can be demoralising. But I just thought to myself that I've survived much worse days than this :) I'm not gonna let it get me down!

Enjoy!

Thoughts on Trusting God

Today is the 17th of October, the date the first sonar back in February predicted as Tabitha’s due date. Kids change your life they say. They sure do.

We had such a great time with my parents in Hersham last week. I decided not to read any magazines because I always regret it when the holiday is over and I haven’t read any good books. I didn’t get to read much anyway because in between beach walks, spa treatments, sand dune riding , nature appreciation and restaurants I spent most of my free time scrapbooking. It was my first attempt at scrapbooking – I really enjoyed putting some love into Tabitha’s photographs.

We got home late last night, bittersweet having to throw out all the funeral flowers, but being greeted by a garden in full bloom. I can’t believe how much can happen in a spring garden in a week’s time. All the roses are in full bloom, what a sight! A new season. New life. New hope!

A special rose outside my office window

No Telkom line, no internet. But that’s a story for another day! I’ll just have to make another plan to get this post up.

While scrapbooking I also got to think a lot, so please allow me to share some more thoughts with you…

I find it amazing how God can use one situation to teach so many different people different things. He doesn’t even have to create a situation in your own life to teach you something. People close, people far and people that I met through Tabitha’s life and death tell me how their lives have been affected/changed by what happened, even though they are not directly affected by it. I mean they don’t necessarily wake up missing Tabitha like we do. Yet God was able to work through it for their good as well as ours.

One of the works that God did in my life through this is to enlighten scripture. I think often a lot of scripture will not make sense or be understood correctly/completely if not for trials and tribulations. One of those scriptures for me is Jeremiah 29:11 :

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

I used to read this popular verse with a kind of understanding that all is well, that life as a Christian is about feeling good, the world is your oyster type of thing – what can be better than having God wanting to prosper you and having a great and exciting future in mind for you? If the Bible says so, who are we to differ? Who would want to differ with something like that? But what if calamity strikes? What if you don’t find yourself prospering and your future does not look bright? What if your child dies? How can this verse possibly fit into reality?

But the true beauty of this verse is that it doesn’t speak to our consumer orientated, selfish, over indulgent, status hungry, comfort seeking, contentless selves as many may think. It promises us something far greater. It basically tells us to have peace in trusting God, because even if things seemingly go bad in our lives and we don’t understand how God could allow it, we must just stay calm and know that God still has our ultimate good in mind. Do you get how big this is? If we can understand that despite any calamity that can possibly strike us, God is still in control and He knows what He is doing and there is nothing that can happen that can mess up His plan or cause Him to be frustrated. That His plans for us are good and only good, plans to prosper our souls and to give us a future and a hope in salvation through Jesus. Then we don’t have to ever get depressed or feel trapped or question God or be mad at God or be mad at people who seems to be directly responsible for our pain. We can finally learn to put our trust entirely in Him. He is sovereign. We are safe when we put our trust in Him.

Prov 18:10-11
The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe. The wealth of the rich is their fortified city. They imagine it to be an unscalable wall.

They say this is a rich man’s world. But there is a huge problem when you put your trust in money. It seems safe but it is not. Ultimately everything belongs to God and He can take it away without your permission. Putting your trust in God is the only real safety man can have. I know some may think it is bad news, but to me it is a great relief and encouragement, not only now but for the future. Who knows what will happen to me or you tomorrow or in 10 years’ time? It can be a worrying thought if you start to think of all the bad things that can happen.  But knowing that we can trust in a good God who has only good thoughts towards us is enough reason for me to put my trust in Him. I even want to go so far as to say that even when natural disasters strike, we are not to try and understand why. Our trust should not be dependent on a proper explanation or human logic. We in our limited perspectives are to trust that God still knows what He is doing. It takes a humble acceptance of who God is to get to that point, I believe.

If I look at my own life I think I find it easier to trust God when big disaster strike, than when little trials come my way. But I am going to try and trust God equally when I think things are still more or less in my control and when I feel totally helpless and dependent on God. We should learn to not only trust, but thank God for every circumstance of our lives, because we know that He is in control of it and that He has our good in mind through it. As simple as that.

I will add some photos of Tabitha’s scrapbooking album as soon as I have proper internet again!

Loving the holiday!

Me, with my parents in the distance. Beautiful, isn't it?

There is nothing like waking up early to a beautiful day and seeing all the way to Mosselbay from your bedroom windows. I just love it here. We went for a long walk on the beach, accompanied by a school of dolphins just behind the breaking waves. We had breakfast on the balcony, and right there in front of us in the shallow waters, were two whales. God's splendour is displayed all around us. We can't help but be amazed by His attention to detail in His undepletable creation.

Family dinner on the balcony. 

The weekend was also very good. My sister, Hilde, and her family were also here. I had a good time with her 5 year old daughter, Ezé, and 2 and a half year old son, Juan. We played on the beach and I took lots of photos. I always liked taking photos, but now I feel a more intrinsic need to cease the day and value every experience and time spent with loved ones.

My sister and her two beautiful kids.

The difference between boys and girls?
Girls will pick up rocks to give to their mom,
boys will throw it back into the water!

Juan and I

I still think of Tabitha all the time, but especially when I get a chance to be alone and there are no distractions that can nick my mind's trail. I think of the last days, hours and minutes. I try and remember every single detail. I wonder what she must have felt like, if she experienced a lot of pain, if she could feel that I was holding her just before she died. I remember the last time she opened up her eyes, the last time she cried uncontrollably. I know there's no use worrying about it now, but I can't help it. Wessel reassures me that she is perfect and happy and in heaven now. I am very happy to know that she doesn't have to endure life's difficulties any longer. She sure had her fair share of it in the little time she spent with us. She was a very special little girl. A gift from God.

In hard times we find it difficult to believe that God loves us. We believe that when you love someone you only want good for them. But in the difficult times it feels like someone is out to get us. Like God doesn't care, or worse, that He is trying to punish us. If we can relate it back to our children, we as parents love them, and therefore only want the best for them. We don't like to see them get hurt or suffer. Suffering without purpose would be cruel. But the suffering that God allows in our lives are not without purpose. It is like when we discipline our children, to mould them into better mannered, less selfish, more loving human beings. We do it with a certain end goal in mind. We do it because we love them. If we didn't care we could just pay someone to take care of their basic human needs - food and shelter. But if we love them we will do more than that. We will walk closely with them and teach them valuable lessons in life, because we would want to see them grow up to be self-sufficient, well balanced, prudent people. This disciplining may include times when your children will hate you for doing what you believe is necessary. They might not understand everything when they are young and unwise, but if you are fair and consistent, one day it will make sense to them. I'm sure you already know what I'm getting at...

I find the following passage quite appropriate (Isaiah 49:14-15):

But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me;
   my Lord has forgotten me."  

And then God answers His people in verse 15:

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
   that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
   yet I will not forget you. "

When the Bible talks about 'our good' as it does in Romans 8:28, I believe it refers to us being conformed to the image and likeness of Jesus. God uses good and bad circumstances in a unique and perfect combination for each of us, and blends them together to mould us so that we can be conformed to the image and likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ. That is our ultimate goal. Without Him we are separated from God for eternity because of our sinful state. Our circumstances are not related to a specific sin we did or didn't do. Romans 8:39 also states that nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Jesus Christ our Lord. The fact is, we are all lost in our sin without Jesus, so we should be welcoming His loving interventions to give us a wakeup call or bring us closer to Him, because earthly losses are nothing compared to an eternity without God. Trust me, its not easy to see things this way when you've just lost your firstborn. But I know that its true. I hope you will allow your eyes to be enlightened so that you can also have the revelation of God's love. 

We can't let our circumstances blind us to the truth. So many people experience similar circumstances. Others have gone before us, setting a great example. David, also human just like us, starts Psalm 13 with natural human thinking:

¹ How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I take counsel in my soul
   and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

He also felt that God didn't love him, but he overcame his doubts by God's power and grace. He was able to end the Psalm with:

⁵But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
   my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
⁶I will sing to the LORD,
   because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Discovering the beach again

Tabitha and I, having fun on the beach

My handsome hubs

Sossusvlei? No, this is Grootbrak (just before seeing the dolphins).

Beauty and splendour