Dear Tabitha

Dear Tabitha,

I think about you all the time. I know you must be doing very well. I had a party yesterday and wished you could also be here. Everybody thinks your room is beautiful. I borrowed it to some of your friends who needed their nappies changed! 

Time is going by fast. You would have been four months now already. For you four months must seem like 4 seconds. Or 4 years. I wonder if you are growing up at the rate that kids here on earth grow up, or if you are waiting for us to meet you again one day as a baby? Either way I don't mind. The important part is that we'll see each other again one day. I'll hold you against my heart like I held your second cousin (I think that's what she is to you!) last night, no matter how old you are. 

Do you have lots of friends? Do you think about us? Do you also have parties and eat too much ice cream? I sometimes think about that second last day before you left us. I was holding you but you were uncomfortable, getting lots of bradys and desaturations. One of the nurses said that you are not enjoying this. I thought to myself, no, offcourse not. None of your life has been very enjoyable at all, but being held by your mother is probably one of the few things that you do enjoy. After that day things quickly went downhill, but I treasure the special times we had together, even though some people think you didn't enjoy it – I know you did. 

Daddy and I still talk about you and wonder what you would have looked like now. I wonder how differently I would have spent my days if you were still here. I am so busy with work and other things, but I would have put everything else aside if you were still here. Nothing that seems important now would have mattered to me. I want time to stop so I can sit and think about every moment with you so that it doesn't become a far distant faded memory. Stop or hurry up, one of the two. My impatience to fill your nursery again with a brother or sister makes me wish that time would hurry up. But we have to trust that in Christ's perfect timing. He was first patient with us.

Do you realise how much your life has taught us, and the impact it has had on many people? For one thing, I learnt what faith really is. Its not holding on to a hope for something that you wish for or want (believe me, I still wish that things could have been different). Its not wishful thinking. Its not mind over matter. Its not refusing to acknowledge or verbalise the facts. Its also not verbalising the wish or repeating a magic phrase. It's the peace that we have that our Father knows best and that His Word is true and that He is sovereign and therefore no matter what happens, we are safe. Faith is not something we do that can make any difference to the outcome. Faith is how much we understand the Bible and accept it. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Some things the Bible predicted have come true already, so in that sense we have an advantage above people like Abraham, Moses and Noah who had faith without seeing what we see. Other things we read about, we know will happen, because we have faith. Our hope is in Jesus and not in any earthly wish, need or want.

Daddy says that your joy is infinitely abundant, that we can never comprehend it. Knowing this makes my heart joyful too. Things about God and the Bible that we are still trying to figure out you must already understand. That must be wonderful! Knowing Jesus is wonderful, and you know Him fully now. The greatest dreams any parent can have for their child has already been answered for us. Just know we are proud of you my darling. You are an incomprehensible gift.

With love,

Mommy and Daddy.