My favourite room

I thought I'll post some pictures of Tabitha's room, since it is my favourite room in the house. When she was born we hardly had anything ready, except a few loose items and ideas in my head. As the furniture arrived things started to take more shape. There were times while she was in hospital when I was so sure she was going to come home so I continued to get everything ready. I remember the weekend before she died, I still packed out the chest of drawers and showed my mother in law all her little outfits. I couldn't wait for her to wear everything. After she died there were still a few elements missing, like the wall decor I had ordered online. Nevertheless, I decided to finish it off the way it was planned. You might think its sad but its not necessarily a sad place for me. I know one of these days we'll get the chance to use it the way it should be used. In the meantime I want to remember her and having all her items together in one room helps me do that. Obviously most of the items she never got a chance to use. But there is also a little white box with items from the hospital, like hair locks we cut off after she died, her socks, hats, her little blood pressure band, dummies and the prem nappies she used to wear. The top drawer also has some of the blankies she used, including her weighted blanket (it helped keep her calm when she was jittery), unwashed. 

There are two pillows in the room that I made, the one is pieced together from scraps of material, and the other one has a heart out of crocheted roses, with the words 'grace and beauty'. That is what Tabitha means. I made them before she was born.

Next to the dandelion above her cot is a ceramic plate with her foot prints, made by the nurses on the day of her death. It is a beautiful memory. It has her name and her date of birth and date of death. The nurse brought it to me the other day while I was having coffee with my friend, Sebastian's mother. It is so special! I also went up to say hello to some of the other nurses and I got to see beautiful little Sebastian as well.

I said the other day that people don't know how to handle death. I must include myself in that statement. Sometimes I find myself saying the stupidist things. I said that I like to talk about Tabitha, but the other day I saw someone and she said she heard I had a baby. I said yes. She said is it a boy or a girl? So I said its a girl...(pause) but she died. Full stop. The poor woman didn't know what to say and I didn't elaborate. I was so blunt. Maybe I thought she must've heard by now or I don't know but the fact is she didn't know. 

I like it when people say that they're sorry to hear, even if they might think that there are no words that can make me feel better. Its nice to know that people care or that they took notice that there was a little girl named Tabitha, and she mattered. But then I find myself saying more stupid things like 'yes it was tough but its over now'. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? It's not over! She may not be here anymore but I miss her every day and I wish that she could also be healthy like all the other healthy kids I see around me every day and that I can hold her one more time! I don't think its over until that glorious day arrives when I will see her again. I find myself getting emotional when I sing songs in church about that day. Don't get me wrong, I have made peace with everything that happened but I am still human and I still miss my baby girl. 

When I look around me there are so many bad and sad things happening in people's lives. My prayer list has never been this long. I believe that God is using it to tell us to WAKE UP and stop wasting our lives on meaningless petty little things that has no value for our souls and for other people's souls. Its so easy to stay busy doing things that might seem important to us, but in the bigger scope of things they mean nothing. Many people might not understand it, and it might seem cruel to some, but God cares more for our souls than what he cares about our comfort and happiness on earth. Jesus said in Matthew 16:24

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?  For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done."

I believe God will even push you to your limits if that is what it takes to learn to trust Him with all your heart. It's not about how strong we are or how much we can handle. Its about being made strong when we are at our weakest. Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 12:10 - For when I am weak, then I am strong. Therefore we can be thankful in all circumstances because God is using it to our benefit. Isn't that great to know? 

So here is an update from a part of my prayer list...

Gerhard, my brother in law. He's shown such great improvement the last few days after his motorbike accident two weeks ago. He was moved out of ICU last week Thursday and is on his way home tonight! We thank God for his speedy recovery! Pray with us that he will continue to get stronger and that all the pain meds won't mess him up too much! Apparently those rib breaks are the worst...

Sebastian, Tabitha's ex NICU neighbour. He has had his 4 month birthday this week and has been through so much during this time. He had a feeding tube operation on Friday to help him with his feeds because he struggles to learn how to suck. He doesn't like anaesthetics much so this whole weekend was a bit rough for him and his mother. He went for an MRI scan this afternoon to check how his brain is doing. Doctors expect him to be disabled. We don't know what's going to happen but his mother and I are trusting God because He is in control! And miracles can still happen!

And then another friend of mine ended up in hospital on her 30th birthday last week. Her body is showing weird symptoms and the doctors are still doing tests in order to make a diagnosis. She obviously doesn't know what to expect so having to wait makes it even more difficult.

If you want you can pray with me for these people and their families! They will appreciate it very much!