Four weeks ago

Four weeks ago around this time we experienced the last precious moments with our sweet baby girl. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the events of that last day replay in my mind like a movie. I enjoy tuning in to watch. I often get tears in my eyes but I like thinking about her and remembering what it felt like to touch her soft skin and stroke her silky hair and kiss her neck and let her fingers wrap around one of mine. The memories are so dear to me but I'm afraid I will forget them. I remember the joy of listening to her soft breaths. I remember the pain in my heart when she cried. And I remember the silent moments where I just sat and watched her for hours.

I know in some cultures its not allowed to talk about the deceased after the funeral. Well, I couldn't do that. I like talking about my baby. Its weird being childless and not pregnant, after everything that has happened. Work came crashing on me again with a bang and from the outside it looks like things are back to normal. I don't want to continue like we're back to normal. I am a mother, I have a baby, even though she's not with me but with Jesus. Like other mothers I like talking about my child. And don't worry, I won't break out in tears if you mention her name. I am not emotionally unstable.

The lady from the Breast Milk Bank came to collect all her milk on Monday. I told her all about Tabitha. Her huge round cooler bag was not big enough so we filled up another three plastic bags full. She told me that I am only the 45th donor for this year, so I'm sure they'll be able to put Tabitha's milk to good use.

The census guy came by on Tuesday. He was not very interested, but I got to talk to him about Tabitha as well. Not in detail, but I had to answer questions like 'Have you had a baby before', and when I said yes the guy couldn't make out why we're only two people staying here. So I said she died. I had to give her birth date, and answer more questions like 'Were you pregnant when she died?' and 'Did she live less than 6 weeks?' No. She lived more than 6 weeks. She counts. She had more than 6 weeks on this earth! 'Reason for death?' Natural causes.

I get sad when I see other friends of mine who's had babies this year.  There are so many. Fourteen new babies if I count quickly. They get to do normal things like be sleep deprived and worry about feeding patterns. They get to not find time to do anything else. They get to hang out in the baby isles at the shops. They get to see their babies grow up and do a first sound, first smile, first crawl, first steps. Another friend of mine sent me a message shortly after Tabitha died. She said that Tabitha is probably skipping with the other heaven children by now. Or maybe He will first let her roll, sit and then crawl, He knows how important milestones are! That's how I like to imagine it!

Sometimes I think its unfair. But I never get to dwell much on that thought, because I know every gift we have on this earth is just that. A gift. We don't deserve any of it anyway. Don't say life is unfair. The only fair thing is that we all die and go to hell. That is what we deserve. Not one of us are good. We might think we are but compared to perfection (Jesus) we are all bad. None of us can live up to the standard. Maybe according to our own standards we are good, but not according to God's standard. He is the ultimate Judge so that should be the only standard that counts. At the final countdown our opinions don't matter.

That's why we are hopeless without Christ. We desperately need His salvation to be reunited with our Father in Heaven. Through the perfect Lamb's ultimate sacrifice on the cross and His resurrection can we 'deserve' heaven.  Its not by our own efforts, which should be a relief to most of us. 1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

That is the most precious gift of all. The gift of getting better than what we deserve. Just sad that so many reject it because they trust their own opinions rather than listen to the truth of God. It is there for everybody who is humble enough to receive it. And it is the ONLY way, although you might think I am being politically incorrect. Sorry, our opinions don't count! But you do get to choose, just like everybody else. At least we can all agree that life is fair in that sense.

I look forward to the day that I will get to heaven and have my daughter come running to say hello and show me her room, or maybe her castle! We will spend eternity together where there are no heart rate monitors, no needles, no antibiotics, no pain, no crying and no sadness. That is where life truly begins. O, how I look forward to that day! I'm not saying I want to die yet, I think I want to at least take some sibling(s) for Tabitha with me if God wills!

Update on Gerhard - He is doing much better although he had us worry a lot on Monday when he had a fit. Thank God there does not seem to be any brain injury like they suspected. He is on a ventilator to help his lungs function properly while he is on pain relief medication.  He has it pretty bad with 14 breaks in his left ribcage alone! Please continue praying for him and his family as we trust that he will continue to get better.

Have a wonderful day everybody!