Reflection and perfection

I try on purpose not to keep busy. I think its important to have some quiet time to come to terms with what happened and figure out how I really feel. Wessel and I are going away for a week or so on Friday.  I'm looking forward to it.

Thinking back on the last 2 months, it is overwhelming to see and realise how evident God's hand was in all that happened. In my whole life I could not fathom that God can be glorified by someone's death, let alone that of a baby. Even before she died I could see how maybe God's plan would be evident even if she died, but I tried to deny it. I see how He kept Tabitha alive just for us, so that we can grow and become instruments in His hand and be part of His plan. He also kept her alive so that we can get to know her and enjoy her and be prepared for what was to happen. I remember how extremely excited I was for Tabitha's coming. The morning before she was born when the abdomen pain was so unbearable, I thought I just wanted to lie down and die. But then I remembered her, and quickly changed my mind. The anticipation of the baby girl in my tummy was far too exciting!

The truth is, what happened that day of her birth was so terrible that she didn't have much of a chance. Every day on her form, next to diagnosis, the nurse would write: Birth asphyxia. And then later: Birth asphyxia, IVH (intra ventricular haemorrhage) AND hydrocephalus. Big words for such a small little body. We didn't know it then, but the hypoxia (cellular damage that occurs within the central nervous system due to lack of oxygen) was so severe that the fact that she survived for 53 days is a miracle in itself.

Throughout this time I was not prepared to let go of her. I did not want to pray the prayer 'Here is my child Lord, do what you want'. We all believed she would somehow pull through. The thought of loosing her scared me, and just thinking about it made me feel guilty. How could a mother? The day before her death was sufficient for God to prepare my heart. I'm not sure how it happened, but I know that I had peace even after the dreaded phone call when I knew it was the end.

Sometimes it felt that God did not answer my prayers. But when I look back I can see a little bit of His miraculous plan, and how He answered every single one of our prayers. Even prayers I prayed before she was born. Except when I said I wanted a healthy girl. I believe that He is still going to answer that one, I was just shortsighted to believe that it would be Tabitha. If ever I doubted God, I know now more than ever – God does not disappoint. 

Don't make God out to be someone you want him to be. Don't trust your feelings, your education or even your experiences to determine who God is. Don't trust other people's opinions, not even Oprah or the Pope. Don't read books that can give nice, but distorted ideas of God. Don't trust your goosebumps. Don't believe that God is different for different people, or that all religions ultimately lead to the same God. Don't believe that you are a little god. And don't look for God within yourself. If you do you'll be disappointed. 

God reveals Himself perfectly in His Word, and through His Son, Jesus, who is the Word made flesh. 

You may think its a book written by man. It was. Nevertheless, it is perfect in every way, because it was inspired by God and part of His perfect plan. No other book covers all the topics. No other book is so timeless. It will sustain you in every circumstance. Somehow it answers everything we need to know about God, even to this day. But only for those that have ears to hear and eyes to see. The most intellectual sometimes don't fall in this group. But those that seek, shall find.

Don't you also find it mind boggling and absolutely amazing? 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deut 31:6)