Wessel worked from home today, which helps because if something happens at the hospital he is not far away. I went in early to see how our little girl is doing. The fact that we didn't get a call from the hospital during the night was good news in itself. She seemed to be doing quite well on the Sipap machine, on 33% oxygen and 40 breaths per minute, although they did go up with the oxygen during the night to 80% at one stage. Her colour looked better than last night, and her blood gas test (indicating pH levels and hemoglobin, among others) was looking good. She received platelets at night again. Her CRP (reactive protein) levels had come down which is good, but her PCT levels (some marker for infection) had gone up to 4.12. So trying to get a good indication on whether the fungi is coming down or flaring up is difficult based on these blood tests.
The broviac line (the line going to a vein through the chest) had to come out because the doctor suspects that it can be the cause for her fungi infection. The type of fungi is some or other species of Candida. The best treatment available for it is the Albumin antibiotic, on which she's been for more than 2 weeks now. The doctors are not sure why it still flared up despite early treatment. But we'll see now if the line they took out will make a difference. They sent the tip of the line to the lab for testing.
The surgeon only came to take the line out in the afternoon. I obviously had to go outside, but it was probably one of the worst things she's had to endure in her short life. And as a mother I'm naturally very sensitive to someone hurting my child. They did give her local aesthetics, but apparently the doctor battled to get the line out, I'm not sure why. She screamed. Directly afterwards I went in again and her eyes were open, no crying. They gave her pain medication as well, but I think it took a while to kick in. She started crying uncontrollably and I could not calm her down. I called the nurse to come and help. After a while she got Tabitha to calm down. I was exhausted from all the stress.
Our evening visit was good but emotional. My heart is heavy and my tears are plentiful. I also didn't know that kissing a baby's soft cheeks could bring me so much joy. I could just put my face on her beautiful cheeks forever. And watch her cute face and appreciate her long lashes and perfectly shaped lips.
I think Wessel and I have reached a new level of suffering last night. Things that I was sure about regarding Tabitha, I'm not too sure about anymore. I know God will carry us to handle what is to come the way He has carried us up to now. But it is painful. I pray now that one of two things will happen. God must end her suffering and take her home or He must do a miracle. I'm not sure if we're strong enough for anything in between, but He knows and may His will be done. He is wiser than the doctors and more loving than any parent. I know I can trust him to do the best thing for Tabitha, and for us, and still be glorified through it.
Psalm 23 has a whole new meaning to me now. A friend sent it to me today.
The LORD Is My Shepherd
A Psalm of David.
1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before meI will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
Been praying for you today. I know that your prayer was answered (from the evening of the 28th), but the pain of loss is still there. Even though I am a father of 5, I can't imagine the pain/suffering you are going through. So I will continue to pray for comfort from the only One who can extend that true peace you both need.
ReplyDeleteGod bless