Four weeks ago

Four weeks ago around this time we experienced the last precious moments with our sweet baby girl. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the events of that last day replay in my mind like a movie. I enjoy tuning in to watch. I often get tears in my eyes but I like thinking about her and remembering what it felt like to touch her soft skin and stroke her silky hair and kiss her neck and let her fingers wrap around one of mine. The memories are so dear to me but I'm afraid I will forget them. I remember the joy of listening to her soft breaths. I remember the pain in my heart when she cried. And I remember the silent moments where I just sat and watched her for hours.

I know in some cultures its not allowed to talk about the deceased after the funeral. Well, I couldn't do that. I like talking about my baby. Its weird being childless and not pregnant, after everything that has happened. Work came crashing on me again with a bang and from the outside it looks like things are back to normal. I don't want to continue like we're back to normal. I am a mother, I have a baby, even though she's not with me but with Jesus. Like other mothers I like talking about my child. And don't worry, I won't break out in tears if you mention her name. I am not emotionally unstable.

The lady from the Breast Milk Bank came to collect all her milk on Monday. I told her all about Tabitha. Her huge round cooler bag was not big enough so we filled up another three plastic bags full. She told me that I am only the 45th donor for this year, so I'm sure they'll be able to put Tabitha's milk to good use.

The census guy came by on Tuesday. He was not very interested, but I got to talk to him about Tabitha as well. Not in detail, but I had to answer questions like 'Have you had a baby before', and when I said yes the guy couldn't make out why we're only two people staying here. So I said she died. I had to give her birth date, and answer more questions like 'Were you pregnant when she died?' and 'Did she live less than 6 weeks?' No. She lived more than 6 weeks. She counts. She had more than 6 weeks on this earth! 'Reason for death?' Natural causes.

I get sad when I see other friends of mine who's had babies this year.  There are so many. Fourteen new babies if I count quickly. They get to do normal things like be sleep deprived and worry about feeding patterns. They get to not find time to do anything else. They get to hang out in the baby isles at the shops. They get to see their babies grow up and do a first sound, first smile, first crawl, first steps. Another friend of mine sent me a message shortly after Tabitha died. She said that Tabitha is probably skipping with the other heaven children by now. Or maybe He will first let her roll, sit and then crawl, He knows how important milestones are! That's how I like to imagine it!

Sometimes I think its unfair. But I never get to dwell much on that thought, because I know every gift we have on this earth is just that. A gift. We don't deserve any of it anyway. Don't say life is unfair. The only fair thing is that we all die and go to hell. That is what we deserve. Not one of us are good. We might think we are but compared to perfection (Jesus) we are all bad. None of us can live up to the standard. Maybe according to our own standards we are good, but not according to God's standard. He is the ultimate Judge so that should be the only standard that counts. At the final countdown our opinions don't matter.

That's why we are hopeless without Christ. We desperately need His salvation to be reunited with our Father in Heaven. Through the perfect Lamb's ultimate sacrifice on the cross and His resurrection can we 'deserve' heaven.  Its not by our own efforts, which should be a relief to most of us. 1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

That is the most precious gift of all. The gift of getting better than what we deserve. Just sad that so many reject it because they trust their own opinions rather than listen to the truth of God. It is there for everybody who is humble enough to receive it. And it is the ONLY way, although you might think I am being politically incorrect. Sorry, our opinions don't count! But you do get to choose, just like everybody else. At least we can all agree that life is fair in that sense.

I look forward to the day that I will get to heaven and have my daughter come running to say hello and show me her room, or maybe her castle! We will spend eternity together where there are no heart rate monitors, no needles, no antibiotics, no pain, no crying and no sadness. That is where life truly begins. O, how I look forward to that day! I'm not saying I want to die yet, I think I want to at least take some sibling(s) for Tabitha with me if God wills!

Update on Gerhard - He is doing much better although he had us worry a lot on Monday when he had a fit. Thank God there does not seem to be any brain injury like they suspected. He is on a ventilator to help his lungs function properly while he is on pain relief medication.  He has it pretty bad with 14 breaks in his left ribcage alone! Please continue praying for him and his family as we trust that he will continue to get better.

Have a wonderful day everybody!

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An unexpected curveball

Rough weekend. We were just starting to return to normal weekend activities, except maybe that they would be a little more busy, with a whole line of friend lunch and dinners lined up (catching up for lost time!) when Wessel phoned me. I was doing my weekly shopping. He sounded terrible. His brother had been in a motorcycle accident in Lesotho, where he and a few fellow bike enthusiasts went riding for the weekend. We didn't have much news so we didn't know what to expect. We decided to go down to Bloem to try and offer some support. 

On our way there, the news came through that he would probably be transported to the Medi Clinic in Bethlehem, so we changed course and went straight there. The rest of the family, including his wife and two kids, are in Bloem. We waited a while in Bethlehem to hear whether he was on his way to Bethlehem or if they were flying him down to Bloem. By 5pm they still haven't reached the border of Lesotho, so we went to Clarens (30km outside of Bethlehem) to have dinner. Wow the vibe there is so much nicer than in Bethlehem! 

To make a long story short, he finally arrived in Bethlehem, and they took some x-rays. He must have had such a hectic day, being on the stretcher in the ambulance for 5 hours on the unpaved and potholed roads in Lesotho. He broke his collarbone and about 10 ribs, some in more than one place. So every bump on the road must have been excruciating. He also developed some bleeding around his liver. The good news was that he was stable and that he could talk to us and that generally he came off it quite lightly. It could have been much worse.

Hanging out in the hospital, and especially the ICU felt way too familiar. We needed no introduction to any of the machines. Wessel looked at the X-ray and made a few comments. The nurse looked at him and asked if he is a doctor! Haha. He runs the risk of sounding like a doctor or acting like one wherever he goes.

We tried to update the family as much as possible, and today we also went there early to try and speak to a doctor and see if they can transfer him to Bloem. A million phone calls to try and get him airlifted to Bloem was to no avail. Eventually the ambulance came to pick him up and they left for Bloem just before 3pm. That was when we also came back to Joburg. What a weekend. We are just relieved and thankful that he seems ok under the circumstances and given enough time and good care, he will be back to his old self again. 

I took a book with to read, and interestingly enough the chapter was about living a selfless life. Do you know that Paul and Moses actually cared so much for other people that they were willing to sacrifice their souls (i.e. go to hell!) if only they could see the people's souls be saved? (See Romans 9:3 and Exodus 32:32). I'm pretty sure I'm not there yet. This is an interesting road. We grow as we go.

When something so traumatic happens people respond differently. But for me with the whole Tabitha experience, I wanted to dig deeper to find truth. There’s a temporary sort of consolidation in well-intended, philosophical fairytale consolations, but lasting, meaningful consolidation can only be found through knowing God. And the best way to get to know God is to read His book. When you read His book and you don’t understand it, don’t worry. You have the rest of your life to let Him teach it to you. One of the best ways, I think, God reveals Himself and His Word is through trials. Its often also through trials that we learn to pray.

Why should we pray if God is sovereign and He already knows what He wants to do? Sometimes God’s will is to deliver us from the adversity, sometimes it is the provision of grace to accept the adversity. Either way it is an act of faith, so we always need to pray. And I think its always fine to pray for God’s deliverance, because we always want deliverance. As long as we do it with a humble acceptance that His will will be done. Jesus did the same when He asked God to let this cup be taken from Him (referring to the crucifixion). But He added,”Not my will, but Your will be done”. (Matt 26:39)

I believe then we can always be assured of the best possible outcome. God always knows best! And if the situation turns out to be one of those, like mine, where you have to accept the adversity, God will provide enough grace that you will be able to handle it. Don't go to Jesus for good advice on how to fix your life. Instead receive the good news that Jesus is faithful!

I pray that God will also be glorified through Gerhard's situation, even though it is unfortunate and not pleasant to go through for him or the rest of the family. But I believe that God delivered him from a potentially life threatening situation! We are so thankful. Please pray for a speedy recovery and no further complications. And off course, that God will provide his beautiful family with the necessary strength and peace to deal with this situation, one day at a time.

Tabitha's scrapbooking

Telkom finally came through for us! So here are a few pics from Tabitha's scrapbook as promised...

We're being challenged this week with technology letting us down. Not only Telkom, and therefore no internet, but also both our phones, and my laptop's battery (ordered a new one 2 weeks ago but the late Steve Jobs' passing is now blamed for a delay in orders!), and our dishwasher (we've also been waiting for a new pump for over 2 weeks – ironically the guarantee expired on Tabitha's birth date). Navigating being supposedly back at work via the pitfalls is just ridiculous, I won't bore you with the details! And no, I don't know why everything happens at once! But at least we are slowly getting there with having internet again since a few hours ago. We really are lost without our gadgets. Being degraded to a Nokia when you're not used to it any more can be demoralising. But I just thought to myself that I've survived much worse days than this :) I'm not gonna let it get me down!

Enjoy!

Thoughts on Trusting God

Today is the 17th of October, the date the first sonar back in February predicted as Tabitha’s due date. Kids change your life they say. They sure do.

We had such a great time with my parents in Hersham last week. I decided not to read any magazines because I always regret it when the holiday is over and I haven’t read any good books. I didn’t get to read much anyway because in between beach walks, spa treatments, sand dune riding , nature appreciation and restaurants I spent most of my free time scrapbooking. It was my first attempt at scrapbooking – I really enjoyed putting some love into Tabitha’s photographs.

We got home late last night, bittersweet having to throw out all the funeral flowers, but being greeted by a garden in full bloom. I can’t believe how much can happen in a spring garden in a week’s time. All the roses are in full bloom, what a sight! A new season. New life. New hope!

A special rose outside my office window

No Telkom line, no internet. But that’s a story for another day! I’ll just have to make another plan to get this post up.

While scrapbooking I also got to think a lot, so please allow me to share some more thoughts with you…

I find it amazing how God can use one situation to teach so many different people different things. He doesn’t even have to create a situation in your own life to teach you something. People close, people far and people that I met through Tabitha’s life and death tell me how their lives have been affected/changed by what happened, even though they are not directly affected by it. I mean they don’t necessarily wake up missing Tabitha like we do. Yet God was able to work through it for their good as well as ours.

One of the works that God did in my life through this is to enlighten scripture. I think often a lot of scripture will not make sense or be understood correctly/completely if not for trials and tribulations. One of those scriptures for me is Jeremiah 29:11 :

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

I used to read this popular verse with a kind of understanding that all is well, that life as a Christian is about feeling good, the world is your oyster type of thing – what can be better than having God wanting to prosper you and having a great and exciting future in mind for you? If the Bible says so, who are we to differ? Who would want to differ with something like that? But what if calamity strikes? What if you don’t find yourself prospering and your future does not look bright? What if your child dies? How can this verse possibly fit into reality?

But the true beauty of this verse is that it doesn’t speak to our consumer orientated, selfish, over indulgent, status hungry, comfort seeking, contentless selves as many may think. It promises us something far greater. It basically tells us to have peace in trusting God, because even if things seemingly go bad in our lives and we don’t understand how God could allow it, we must just stay calm and know that God still has our ultimate good in mind. Do you get how big this is? If we can understand that despite any calamity that can possibly strike us, God is still in control and He knows what He is doing and there is nothing that can happen that can mess up His plan or cause Him to be frustrated. That His plans for us are good and only good, plans to prosper our souls and to give us a future and a hope in salvation through Jesus. Then we don’t have to ever get depressed or feel trapped or question God or be mad at God or be mad at people who seems to be directly responsible for our pain. We can finally learn to put our trust entirely in Him. He is sovereign. We are safe when we put our trust in Him.

Prov 18:10-11
The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe. The wealth of the rich is their fortified city. They imagine it to be an unscalable wall.

They say this is a rich man’s world. But there is a huge problem when you put your trust in money. It seems safe but it is not. Ultimately everything belongs to God and He can take it away without your permission. Putting your trust in God is the only real safety man can have. I know some may think it is bad news, but to me it is a great relief and encouragement, not only now but for the future. Who knows what will happen to me or you tomorrow or in 10 years’ time? It can be a worrying thought if you start to think of all the bad things that can happen.  But knowing that we can trust in a good God who has only good thoughts towards us is enough reason for me to put my trust in Him. I even want to go so far as to say that even when natural disasters strike, we are not to try and understand why. Our trust should not be dependent on a proper explanation or human logic. We in our limited perspectives are to trust that God still knows what He is doing. It takes a humble acceptance of who God is to get to that point, I believe.

If I look at my own life I think I find it easier to trust God when big disaster strike, than when little trials come my way. But I am going to try and trust God equally when I think things are still more or less in my control and when I feel totally helpless and dependent on God. We should learn to not only trust, but thank God for every circumstance of our lives, because we know that He is in control of it and that He has our good in mind through it. As simple as that.

I will add some photos of Tabitha’s scrapbooking album as soon as I have proper internet again!

Loving the holiday!

Me, with my parents in the distance. Beautiful, isn't it?

There is nothing like waking up early to a beautiful day and seeing all the way to Mosselbay from your bedroom windows. I just love it here. We went for a long walk on the beach, accompanied by a school of dolphins just behind the breaking waves. We had breakfast on the balcony, and right there in front of us in the shallow waters, were two whales. God's splendour is displayed all around us. We can't help but be amazed by His attention to detail in His undepletable creation.

Family dinner on the balcony. 

The weekend was also very good. My sister, Hilde, and her family were also here. I had a good time with her 5 year old daughter, Ezé, and 2 and a half year old son, Juan. We played on the beach and I took lots of photos. I always liked taking photos, but now I feel a more intrinsic need to cease the day and value every experience and time spent with loved ones.

My sister and her two beautiful kids.

The difference between boys and girls?
Girls will pick up rocks to give to their mom,
boys will throw it back into the water!

Juan and I

I still think of Tabitha all the time, but especially when I get a chance to be alone and there are no distractions that can nick my mind's trail. I think of the last days, hours and minutes. I try and remember every single detail. I wonder what she must have felt like, if she experienced a lot of pain, if she could feel that I was holding her just before she died. I remember the last time she opened up her eyes, the last time she cried uncontrollably. I know there's no use worrying about it now, but I can't help it. Wessel reassures me that she is perfect and happy and in heaven now. I am very happy to know that she doesn't have to endure life's difficulties any longer. She sure had her fair share of it in the little time she spent with us. She was a very special little girl. A gift from God.

In hard times we find it difficult to believe that God loves us. We believe that when you love someone you only want good for them. But in the difficult times it feels like someone is out to get us. Like God doesn't care, or worse, that He is trying to punish us. If we can relate it back to our children, we as parents love them, and therefore only want the best for them. We don't like to see them get hurt or suffer. Suffering without purpose would be cruel. But the suffering that God allows in our lives are not without purpose. It is like when we discipline our children, to mould them into better mannered, less selfish, more loving human beings. We do it with a certain end goal in mind. We do it because we love them. If we didn't care we could just pay someone to take care of their basic human needs - food and shelter. But if we love them we will do more than that. We will walk closely with them and teach them valuable lessons in life, because we would want to see them grow up to be self-sufficient, well balanced, prudent people. This disciplining may include times when your children will hate you for doing what you believe is necessary. They might not understand everything when they are young and unwise, but if you are fair and consistent, one day it will make sense to them. I'm sure you already know what I'm getting at...

I find the following passage quite appropriate (Isaiah 49:14-15):

But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me;
   my Lord has forgotten me."  

And then God answers His people in verse 15:

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
   that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
   yet I will not forget you. "

When the Bible talks about 'our good' as it does in Romans 8:28, I believe it refers to us being conformed to the image and likeness of Jesus. God uses good and bad circumstances in a unique and perfect combination for each of us, and blends them together to mould us so that we can be conformed to the image and likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ. That is our ultimate goal. Without Him we are separated from God for eternity because of our sinful state. Our circumstances are not related to a specific sin we did or didn't do. Romans 8:39 also states that nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Jesus Christ our Lord. The fact is, we are all lost in our sin without Jesus, so we should be welcoming His loving interventions to give us a wakeup call or bring us closer to Him, because earthly losses are nothing compared to an eternity without God. Trust me, its not easy to see things this way when you've just lost your firstborn. But I know that its true. I hope you will allow your eyes to be enlightened so that you can also have the revelation of God's love. 

We can't let our circumstances blind us to the truth. So many people experience similar circumstances. Others have gone before us, setting a great example. David, also human just like us, starts Psalm 13 with natural human thinking:

¹ How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I take counsel in my soul
   and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

He also felt that God didn't love him, but he overcame his doubts by God's power and grace. He was able to end the Psalm with:

⁵But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
   my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
⁶I will sing to the LORD,
   because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Discovering the beach again

Tabitha and I, having fun on the beach

My handsome hubs

Sossusvlei? No, this is Grootbrak (just before seeing the dolphins).

Beauty and splendour

My conclusion

We're taking it easy in the Slow Lounge at the airport, on our way to George. The funeral services came to our house just before I left to pick Wessel up from work to bring Tabitha's ashes and death certificate. Its so unreal. There it is, black on white. Tabitha Kruger, ID number and all. ABRIDGED DEATH CERTIFICATE. Date of birth: 07/08/2011. Maritial Status: Never Married. Date of death: 29/09/2011. Place of death: Sunninghill.  Cause of death: Natural causes. The little box was beautifully packaged in a velvet bag. Inside the box is a golden heart, engraved with 'Our forever baby, Tabitha Kruger' and the dates again. In a million years I could never imagine that we would find ourselves here. 

I've been thinking a lot the last few days. There are memories that I don't like to think about. It makes me get emotional every time. I also have fond memories but those seem to take more effort to remember. What I've also been thinking about is how hopeless life is without God. If I can summarise my whole experience it would be that life is unsure, and I know that Romans 8:28 is true. 

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

What I don't know is what about those who don't love God and who are not called according to His purpose? My conclusion is that all things do not work together for good for them. Basically that translates to life is a mess. My life would be a mess right now if I didn't have Jesus (the only way to the true God). My advice would be to see that you find God for yourself before you land in a situation that ends up in a mess. If your life is already a mess, its not too late to find Jesus and let Him turn it around. I'm not saying all problems disappear when you have Jesus. Your circumstances might seem like a mess but your life doesn't have to be. As long as you have breath in your lungs it is not too late, it doesn't matter how old you are. But once you've breathed your final breath and your death certificate is signed, there is no second chance. 

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

(John 14:6)

Reflection and perfection

I try on purpose not to keep busy. I think its important to have some quiet time to come to terms with what happened and figure out how I really feel. Wessel and I are going away for a week or so on Friday.  I'm looking forward to it.

Thinking back on the last 2 months, it is overwhelming to see and realise how evident God's hand was in all that happened. In my whole life I could not fathom that God can be glorified by someone's death, let alone that of a baby. Even before she died I could see how maybe God's plan would be evident even if she died, but I tried to deny it. I see how He kept Tabitha alive just for us, so that we can grow and become instruments in His hand and be part of His plan. He also kept her alive so that we can get to know her and enjoy her and be prepared for what was to happen. I remember how extremely excited I was for Tabitha's coming. The morning before she was born when the abdomen pain was so unbearable, I thought I just wanted to lie down and die. But then I remembered her, and quickly changed my mind. The anticipation of the baby girl in my tummy was far too exciting!

The truth is, what happened that day of her birth was so terrible that she didn't have much of a chance. Every day on her form, next to diagnosis, the nurse would write: Birth asphyxia. And then later: Birth asphyxia, IVH (intra ventricular haemorrhage) AND hydrocephalus. Big words for such a small little body. We didn't know it then, but the hypoxia (cellular damage that occurs within the central nervous system due to lack of oxygen) was so severe that the fact that she survived for 53 days is a miracle in itself.

Throughout this time I was not prepared to let go of her. I did not want to pray the prayer 'Here is my child Lord, do what you want'. We all believed she would somehow pull through. The thought of loosing her scared me, and just thinking about it made me feel guilty. How could a mother? The day before her death was sufficient for God to prepare my heart. I'm not sure how it happened, but I know that I had peace even after the dreaded phone call when I knew it was the end.

Sometimes it felt that God did not answer my prayers. But when I look back I can see a little bit of His miraculous plan, and how He answered every single one of our prayers. Even prayers I prayed before she was born. Except when I said I wanted a healthy girl. I believe that He is still going to answer that one, I was just shortsighted to believe that it would be Tabitha. If ever I doubted God, I know now more than ever – God does not disappoint. 

Don't make God out to be someone you want him to be. Don't trust your feelings, your education or even your experiences to determine who God is. Don't trust other people's opinions, not even Oprah or the Pope. Don't read books that can give nice, but distorted ideas of God. Don't trust your goosebumps. Don't believe that God is different for different people, or that all religions ultimately lead to the same God. Don't believe that you are a little god. And don't look for God within yourself. If you do you'll be disappointed. 

God reveals Himself perfectly in His Word, and through His Son, Jesus, who is the Word made flesh. 

You may think its a book written by man. It was. Nevertheless, it is perfect in every way, because it was inspired by God and part of His perfect plan. No other book covers all the topics. No other book is so timeless. It will sustain you in every circumstance. Somehow it answers everything we need to know about God, even to this day. But only for those that have ears to hear and eyes to see. The most intellectual sometimes don't fall in this group. But those that seek, shall find.

Don't you also find it mind boggling and absolutely amazing? 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deut 31:6)

Need milk?

My parents went home this afternoon, so it is quiet at home again. Having your family's support is amazing, but I don't mind the quiet either. I want to spend time thinking about Tabitha and figure out how to get back to a normal life again. Wessel and I have both been quite well, despite everything that happened. We talk about Tabitha a lot and when we feel like crying we cry a bit. But not excessively. We are so greatly encouraged by all the testimonies we hear as a result of Tabitha's short life. We feel very proud to be her parents. I wonder if she knows that she has parents on earth that misses her? I know heaven is perfect and therefore don't think she misses us like we miss her. I think its probably also one of those things that our human minds can't comprehend. One day we'll hopefully understand how it works. 

I went to print a stack of pictures of Tabitha today. I'm going to make a scrapbook and keep an album. I want to be able to revisit the memories we had together whenever I feel like it.

But first things first. I have a chest freezer half filled with frozen breast milk. I would like to donate to a milk bank, but before I do that I'd like to find out if anybody already knows of someone who's baby can benefit from it. Maybe the mother can't breast feed or maybe she has twins and doesn't have enough. Breast is best, we're told, and another mother's breast is still pretty good. The nurses said my milk is full of 'nutrients' – they were able to identify it by its more yellow colour, so I thought why let good food go to waste. I used proper sterilizing methods, and the bags I used are special breast milk bags that can be kept in the freezer for up to 6 months. If it can benefit your baby, let me know so that we can make an arrangement!

Approximately 175 bags of Tabitha's breast milk. Lets try and put it to good use! She's not hungry or thirsty anymore!

Send me a mail on adele@kreationdesign.co.za

Doug's memorial message

As promised, here is the sermon from Saturday's memorial service, conducted by our good friend, Doug Cochrane. If you were not at the service, it will mean a lot to us if you take the time to read it.

To me, the greatest part of a memorial service is the focus upon Eternity.

Firstly, having the assurance of the salvation of the one being remembered and

secondly, having an opportunity to preach the gospel at a time when people truly do contemplate their own eventual end.

Ecclesiastes 7:2

2 It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.

When giving thought to what I would like to say this morning, I find myself mildly intimidated. Not because I can't preach from the gospel or am unsure of what to say, rather because I have just watched Wessel and Adele live the gospel. I have watched them testify their faith in Christ, during the heat of their trial. They have lived out what I am going to preach! They were effectively does of His word, not just hearers or speakers. Like Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego; they went into the fire sure in faith, even though the outcome of their ordeal was completely uncertain. It so happened, that the three faithful Hebrews came out even stronger in their faith then when they went in. I certainly believe, we can all see the evidence of this in the lives of Wessel and Adele. Their faith and commitment was clear from the outset.

Tabitha was born at 30 weeks; weighing 1,3 kg's, surrounded by complications. Her future was very uncertain and her first few weeks were filled with ups and downs. Her life, from birth was very much in the balance and her early survival was a miracle. In fact, I can remember both Wessel and Adele recounting a series of miracles that took place at this time. Tangible miracles, obvious miracles. It seemed clear that God had a great plan for Tabitha’s life. ****From a human perspective, I would have believed that these miracles were evidence that God would spare Tabitha's life for years to come. I did not know God's plan. How could anyone know God's plan.

It was in Adele's blog that she reminded me of the following great scripture:

Isaiah 55:8-9

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

We tend to second guess what God will do. ***Perhaps we're even more arrogant then this, we feel God should take our advise. Fortunately, God is God and we are not. How can we know what his plans are?

Romans 9:21

21 Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honor, and another unto dishonor?

God is Sovereign, He does not require our approval. Who are we to judge what God does and how He does it.

Many things stand out from Adele's blog, in regards to the Sovereignty of God she writes the following:

"Bad things happen sometimes. Nobody is excluded from it while here on earth. They may think they are, nobody is so good that they do not have to encounter hardship, in some way, somewhere along the road. The bad news is that God cannot be manipulated to do what we want Him to do. The good news is that He does have our ultimate good in mind. His standard of what is good has eternity in mind. Our standard of what is good can be very shallow and shortsighted. Sometimes when God's plans for our lives, does not correspond to, our plans for our lives, we get stressed. But we have to let go of our own plans in order to trust God and rest in His peace."

As Adele says, we are called to submit to the will of God. Instead, we all to often set ourselves up as the judges. There is only one worthy of making this judgement.

Romans 3:10-12

10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: 11 There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. 12 They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one.

How then can we discern good, when in our hearts evil is present. There are so many people in the word of God who have gone through trials and anguish, yet never without purpose. God allowed Joseph to be carried away as a slave, he was condemned to a prison cell and absorb a great deal of pain. Yet, he did it for "good". At the end of his trial he again meets up with his brothers, the very ones who sold him into slavery.

Joseph had the following to say:

Genesis 50:20-21

20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. 21 Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

Joseph didn't complain, he saw the purpose of God and walked faithfully through his trial.

God had a great purpose for him, but it took many years before God's plan came to fruition. God did finally deliver him out of his trial, he was able to look back and see the purpose God had at each point. Many experience hardship, few remain faithful through the hardship. Wessel and Adele, have like Joseph walked through a severe trial. They have kept their faith and remained faithful.

God is under no obligation to make His purposes known to any of us, but if God sees fit, He does sometimes allow us to view the outcome even if it is oftentimes vague.

We can rest however, in the knowledge that God acts out of Love.

Romans 8:35-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Sometimes, in the middle of a trial God does allow a brief respite.

While Tabitha's complications didn't ever fully go away, there came a time when things appeared stable. Concerns appeared, to me at least, to gravitate away from her immediate condition and focus on possible long term effects.

During this period many things happened, God gave Tabitha time with her parents. When speaking to Wessel and reading the blog I became aware that in the shadow of all the storm clouds, in the unnatural environment of a hospital, there was still quality family time.

A time when her reactions and responses were that of a normal baby! It pleased God to allow them this brief period. I also believe God used this time to speak to the hearts of many, both Christians and non Christians.

I spoke earlier of the fiery furnace and how God delivered the three Hebrew’s.

While they were in the fire, God in the form of Jesus appeared with them. Whilst the focus is not on what was happening inside, we immediately see the effect it has outside of the furnace. Nebuchadnezzar, the great king of Babylon looks at the furnace and states:

Did we not throw three men into the fire bound? Why do I see four men loose and the fourth looks like the son of God? It was the trial of the Hebrews that gained the attention of all the bystanders, as they gazed on the spectacle, they were able to see God. Likewise, it is often during a trial when people are watching that Christ is revealed. People can see Him shine through the lives of His faithful. I, for one, was strengthened greatly by seeing the faith displayed by Wessel and Adele throughout their trial.

I am not going to second guess God by proclaiming what His plans and purposes were, but I know with certainty that these events were not in vain.

While there was this brief respite, it was not long before the reality of Tabitha's condition became evident again. Her health was unstable and from all the feedback, it appeared as if she may well have been experiencing her last few days upon this earth. There is however, a very deep and comforting reality to this situation. Tabitha is an eternal being created by a loving God.

We have to look at this situation from an eternal perspective. God's plans always revolve around the eternal.

I remember a quote from Shakespeare that goes something like this: "Life is like a vapour, a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more." While the grammar is well worded, it is the point behind this allusion that is important. The concept of life as a vapour! Life has only begun and it's over, we each go about life placing value on things that tend to vanish.

I however found that Shakespeare's quote was not of his origin, the bible had included this analogy far earlier. The bible, which understands the futility of life without Christ was his source.

His direct source was:

James 4:14

14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

When one looks at the life of a man it does not last long, even a man who lives to a great age does not have much time upon the earth. However, what takes place on the earth has an eternal purpose and therefore the question of where each of us stand before God, is all important.

It's not about this life, it's about the hereafter.

It's a question that stares each one of us in the face, what will meet us upon our death?

Paul endured and chose much hardship, so God could be glorified through him.

He lived purely for the glory of God. On one occasion, he made the statement:  "For me to live is Christ, to die is gain."

What was it about this man and many others in the bible, that made them look forward to the day of their death! They had the hope of eternity. This is HUGE. Not through living Godly lives. No! Their hope was in the blood of Christ.

Paul says in his letter to the Corinthians:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

16 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; 18 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Paul uses the term light affliction. His light afflictions included, being beaten; cast in prison; shipwrecked and stoned to death. These afflictions were not lite from a human perspective, but became light when seen from an eternal vantage point.

It was the blessed hope that lived in these men. They trusted in God's goodness and mercy, they believed in His deliverance.

Paul was a sinners. By his own admission he considered himself the chief, in laymen’s terms. The worst of sinners! YET, he humbled himself before his maker and God gave him deliverance.

Because of his sin, Paul needed a redeemer. Someone to stand in his place before the judgment seat of God. Yet as real as sin was to Paul, even more real was the sacrifice of Christ, offered for his sins by Jesus on Calvary. This is true for each one of us. We have all sinned, we have all done that which we should not and we have all neglected God. All we like sheep, have gone astray. We all, and I mean everyone, require God's grace and mercy given to us through Christ's sacrifice on the cross.

Tabitha, has never known the knowledge of good and evil and hence has had no opportunity to make any direct decision against God.

During the exodus, Israel had the opportunity to see many miracles numerous times. Yet when surveying the land of Jericho, it was in their opinion that even God could not deliver them from these mighty people.

God severely punished His people for their lack of faith, but even though the parents were guilty, God spared the Children. Why? Deuteronomy tells us:

Deuteronomy 1:39-40

39 Moreover your little ones, which ye said should be a prey, and your children, which in that day had no knowledge between good and evil, they shall go in thither, and unto them will I give it, and they shall possess it. 40 But as for you, turn you, and take your journey into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea.

The children were not punished, on this occasion, because they did not possess the knowledge of good and evil. The Children were not innocent, rather they were not held accountable for having made a decision to reject the salvation of God. They had not made a decision against God. I do not want to leave it there, I will go a little further by saying that Tabitha's salvation is not based on her innocence or worthiness – But by His grace, made her's through the atonement He purchased on the cross. Let this be an additional opportunity, for each of us to take joy and rejoice in the cross of Christ.

Most of us never met Tabitha, she was in our thoughts, in our prayers and we looked forward to the day we could meet. It so happened, that this day was not to be on this earth. However, if we serve Christ and His Salvation covers us like it did Tabitha, we will meet her in the future. This short time, in which she has been separated from her family and friends will be as a vapour. It will fade away and be forgotten in the joy of their reunion.

David had a similar experience in his life, he lost a child while that child was still an infant. God foretold him that the child would die and David on hearing this news, mourned and fasted. He would not eat. When his child finally did die, his servants were worried. They thought that if David reacted  so strongly to the prospect of his child's death, how would he react upon the actual death. However, he simply stood up and continued with his business as usual. When asked about why this surprising change, David answered:

2 Samuel 12:22-24

22 And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? 23 But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

The key point here, is that David was confident that there would be a reunion between himself and his child. He knew they would never meet on this earth, but also knew they would meet at the resurrection.

Charles Spurgeon, when teaching on the topic of infant salvation said: "Now, let every mother and father here present know assuredly, that it is well with the child if God hath taken it away from you in it's infant days." He took it one step further, in suggesting that any such parent who was not saved should seriously take heed that their children were saved. That they be not separated from their children for eternity.

Our God loves Children, Jesus shows us that God takes special care of children.

In Matthew 18:14 He says:

Matthew 18:14 Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.

He says again in Matthew 19:14:

Matthew 19:14

14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

God loved Tabitha and I know with certainty, that all the events which took place had a very real purpose.

The death of an infant or young child is profoundly heartbreaking, perhaps the greatest grief a parent is called to bear. For Christian parents, there is the sure knowledge and peace that our sovereign and merciful God is in control.

We have all seen this reality in Wessel and Adele's life. I strongly believe, that their faith in Christ will be, and has been, a great example to many.

Anyone who has had any correspondence with Wessel and Adele, can clearly see their unconditional love for little Tabitha.

One evening, when Adele was told she couldn't touch Tabitha she writes: "So I just looked at her precious little face and put my hand on her little body and prayed for her."

On another occasion Adele writes:

"She had food again at 5pm, and when Wessel went to visit just after work she seemed much more content. Daddy was so proud of his girl for doing so well today."

The up's and down's of this period, would have been almost unbearable except for their faith. I can state this freely, because they have both echoed these sentiments again and again.

On the phone, Wessel regularly stated that they were holding up only by the grace of God.

Adele, in her blog, is in perfect harmony with his words.

She writes:

"Even though we don't know what the future holds, we know that God is in control of it and that's enough."

It was that simple to both of them, "God Is in Control!"

I can tell you now, God loves both Wessel and Adele, and He Loves Tabitha.

The truth is, He loves Tabitha more then even Wessel and Adele could love her.

No earthly love is anything compared to, the love God has for little Tabitha! He loved her from the foundation of the world, before He formed her in the womb. He knows her inside out and He will care for her better then anyone else could ever care for her. In loving kindness, He has drawn her and she is safe in His arms.

I often pray that I may be faithful. I would love God to be pleased with my life and to be happy with the things I have done.

To both Wessel and Adele I believe he is saying, "Well done my good and faithful servants!"

Remain in Him, abide in Him and when you enter His kingdom, He will welcome you as faithful children. Wessel and Adele will be reunited with Tabitha and they will know then, as they know now, that He is faithful, He is Just And He is Good.

Extra Excerpt

Steven stood up in front of a group of Pharisees, including the apostle Paul before his conversion.

As he preaches Christ, it starts to anger those to whom he's preaching. So much so that they start to bite him. Finally, they pick up stones to stone him and as the onslaught begins he says, "I see heaven opened and the Son of Man (Jesus) standing at the right hand of the father."

The stones do have their effect and he does die. However not before he gives us insight into an incredible event in heaven. In most scriptures, Jesus is sitting on the right hand of the father. Here, He is standing almost in protest of the stoning, in support of His faithful steward. Jesus however, chose not to stop the stoning for it had great purpose. It would influence many, including Paul who latter converted and gave us much of the new testament. God allowed the stoning to succeed in spite of the fact that he had the power to stop it. He did so for a far greater purpose, a purpose that would effect the whole of Christianity.

Likewise God has acted through purpose with Tabitha. A time will come when we will clearly see that purpose.