Matters of the heart

I used to always say back when my life was still plain sailing, 'If its true that God will not let anything happen to you that you cannot handle, based on my relatively easy life thus far, I probably cannot handle too much.' 

This past week was one of the most challenging of my life. Off course, nothing quite like what we went through last year, but still very hard. I'll try and tell you all about it without being too dramatic. The drama in my life is bad enough without me having to add any special effects!

I was admitted to the hospital on Monday morning for my scheduled D&C operation in the afternoon. They reason for the early admission is that they give you a drug a few hours before the operation (called Cytotec) to make the muscles relax so that the operation would be easier. 

Wessel came with me and sat next to my bed with his laptop, working. Even though its not a major operation, its always good to have your husbands' support. Hospitals are not fun at the best of times, and on top of that we were dealing with the disappointment of having to remove my unsuccessful pregnancy.

About half and hour after I was given the medication, I started feeling really bad. My chest started aching terribly and I was nauseous. I also broke out in a cold sweat, started to feel faint, had a painful lameness in both my arms and had an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Wessel gave me the bin for my nausea and went to call the nurse. They said the chest pain was because I was throwing up, but I know what throwing up feels like. This was different. They tried to put me in a wheelchair to take me to the bathroom, but I fainted, so they put me back on the bed and brought a toilet to me! The nurses called the doctor, who was there quickly and ordered a drip and tried to take some blood among other things. The bad symptoms didn't stop for a while – I thought for a moment that maybe I'm gonna die, but then I thought no, I'm just exaggerating. I can be such a sissy sometimes, I said to myself. The dizzyness went away and after about 20-30min the chest pain also went away. I was feeling weak. From what I remember a lung specialist came to see me, they did and ECG on my heart and then I was pushed to the radiology department with my drip to have X-rays and a sonar of the chest done. They didn't find anything irregular. Also, they saw the blighted ovum on the sonar, still no baby inside.

By now it was almost time for the D&C operation. It was successfully completed under aesthetics, so thankfully I don't remember anything. Had a bit of a déjà vu, because the gynae and anesthetist were also the ones to do my c-section, delivering Tabitha. After the operation I didn't have much pain, except a little chest pain again that lasted for a few minutes. It wasn't as bad as the first time, but still pretty uncomfortable. 

The cardiologist also came to see me. He did a sonar of my heart and was very happy. Everything looked good to him. They decided to keep me in hospital for the night in order to do another ECG and more blood tests in the morning, but assured me that I could still catch my flight the next afternoon to go visit my parents. Later that evening, I was transferred to the CCU (Coronary Care Unit). I didn't understand why, but apparently after the doctors left they picked up something that caused them to worry about my heart. I think it was the blood test results that showed significant amounts of enzymes that leaked from damage to my heart muscle. I was connected to the monitors and had a nurse looking after me, exactly like Tabitha did in the NNICU. I was still not too worried because the doctors said I could go home the next day. But then they picked up from my ECG that morning, that the chest pain of the previous day must have been a heart attack. I couldn't believe it, but I think neither could the doctors. They've never seen anybody have a heart attack from Cytotec before. In fact, I was given a lower dosis of it last year with my c-section. So there were lots of questions and off course everybody that heard the news couldn't believe it – it still sounds like some sick joke.

The most disappointing thing for me was that I had to cancel my flight to go visit my family and stay in hospital the whole week. They scheduled me for an angiogram on the Thursday. They established that my cholesterol was low, and since I didn't have a family history of heart problems and was young and relatively fit, they didn't expect to see any problems with my arteries on the angiogram. They believed that the heart attack was mainly due to the drug causing my heart going into a spasm and temporarily cutting off oxygenated blood flow to the heart muscle. A small part of the heart muscle sustained injuries, but it can repair itself in time. 

The worst part of the hospital stay for me was the taking of bloods at least twice a day. My arm doesn't have good veins and I was already blue from struggling to find veins on the Monday. They pricked me everywhere from my hand to the back of my elbow. The other arm had a permanent drip, so they didn't go there. And I can't stand blood and needles. I always look away, afraid that I would faint! On Thursday after the angiogram the Ampath person showed up there with like 15 tubes to fill. I wanted to cry it was so sore. O yes, I did cry because my vein ran dry when there were still 5 tubes left. Anyway, they eventually got their blood and my arm got some more bruises and another plaster stuck to my wounds and irritating my skin.

The angiogram was not my best experience ever. I wasn't sure what to expect so the unknown is always a bit scary. They give you local anesthetic in your groin, which I find to be quite a sensitive area, but at least after that you don't feel much when they inject the contrast through a vein in your groin. I could see my arteries on the screen as the contrast filled them, one at a time. Off course I didn't know what to look for but I just hoped that everything would be normal and fine. They did, however, find a slight narrowing on the one artery (about 8%), but they didn't think it was significant enough to put in a stent. The doctor told me that they would have to put me on medication to make sure that my heart repairs properly. That was the single worst moment for me the whole week. I knew what it meant. We would have to delay falling pregnant, and I so desperately want to have a baby as soon as possible. I balled my eyes out. The people in the room didn't know what I was on about. 3-6 months, he said, maybe a year. I just wanted to be alone and cry a bit. I guess that's why I couldn't quite handle the 15 tubes of bloods. 

I was hoping to maybe come home on Thursday, but I had to stay flat on the bed without bending my leg for 6 hours so the wound could settle. It bled quite a bit. In the afternoon I could start walking again slowly. The cardiologist prescribed my medication and said I could go home the next day. Apparently slight narrowings in young people's arteries are rather common, but still they'd expect it from someone with high cholesterol. The artery itself wouldn't repair, but in itself it shouldn't cause me any problems, except if I take Cytotec again! Apparently my symptoms are listed as a side effect of Cytotec, but only one other case has been reported worldwide. 

On Friday morning I was released to go home after breakfast. I was so happy! I couldn't wait to get home. After being warned by the doctor that I might experience low blood pressure and therefore dizzyness as a result of the combination of drugs that I'm on, I managed to faint on my way to the bathroom just as Wessel came in to fetch me. As I felt dizzy I went to sit down immediately, but the feeling wouldn't go away and I passed out as they put me into a chair to take me back to my bed, even though I tried so hard to stay awake. Apparently I clung to the chair and started shaking and Wessel and the nurses got a big fright once again. Shame my poor husband. He's had more than a fair amount of stress this week! I was so angry with myself because then they were worried about me again and I couldn't go home. They just took off all the ECG stickers from my chest and my drip and everything, and when this happened they had to put it all back again. Except the drip, but still those stickers hurt when you pull them off! My blood pressure was very low, but the doctor said I just need to adapt to the medication and stand up really slowly. So in the afternoon I finally went home. 

My body is still tired and I'm still a bit dizzy - all side effects from the pills. For those familiar with drugs, I'm taking Warfarin, Cardicor and Rampil. Not your average disprin type of drugs. I also have to get an injection in my tummy every 12 hours for blood clotting, but only until Monday. Wessel has to give it to me, because as I said I am terrified of needles. I get palpitations before every shot!

It was really a hard week, but as I had to deal with bad news upon bad news, I just knew that we've been through worse, and God has given us the strength to deal with it before, He would do the same now. Nothing that happens could ever change my convictions, because they are written deep on my heart and no single event or circumstances can erase it. I realised that tough times are there to reveal who we really are on the inside, what our hearts really believe. 

1 Peter 1:6-7

'So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remain strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.' 

I will still put my trust in God, in His sovereign plan, in His perfect goodness and ultimate wisdom. I still believe that nothing happens that He doesn't know about and that won't work together for the Christian's good and His glory. He is in control of everything that happens, even if it seems really bad to us. Yes, there is sin, yes there is a devil, but God made the universe, and nothing catches Him off guard. We must stop trying to make sense of everything with our little brains. 

The fact is we spend our whole lives trying to avoid suffering, so when times of suffering come, we try and find out what we did wrong or who we can blame. Sometimes there are ways to avoid suffering and sometimes suffering is self-inflicted. Sometimes we suffer for the gospel. But sometimes we just don't know what is going on, and the Biblical way to respond is with confidence in God's sovereignty, perseverance and courage - Jesus will carry us through. God can teach us valuable things through suffering, but somehow we tend to rather run to successful people, living attractive lives, to learn what 5 point plan and 7 step principles they are applying. Through trials we get to learn directly from God, and when we endure, the rewards are eternal. God's righteous judgement is sure to come, but there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Not now, and not even on judgement day, because Jesus paid our debt.

Romans 8:35,37-39

'Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us...Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below – indeed, nothing in all creation will ever separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

I am comforted to find that the New Testament is filled with words of encouragement for people going through trials. Trials were not uncommon to Christians then, so why do we expect just blessing and prosperity now? Popular preachers today seem to think that 'breakthroughs' are around every corner, but I don't find this in the Bible. No, the promises of the Bible are in Jesus, who is our Saviour, not our want and greed fulfiller. He died so that we don't have to die an eternal death, not so that we can have all our wants and desires satisfied in this life. If this was true, the Way would not be called the Narrow Way, but the Popular Way. If Jesus is not enough for you, I'm afraid tough times will have you fall by the wayside. Make sure you make up your mind to know what you believe about God and where you stand with Jesus before you get tested! 

And lastly, I just want to thank my husband for his endless support and love during this difficult time. He is a pillar of strength to me, even though he had stress from all sides this week. I also want to thank all my friends for the messages, phone calls, gifts and hospital visits. I was spoiled to have always had visitors during every single visiting hour this week, and my house looks beautiful with all the flowers! Thank you also for all the prayers and concern. It really means a lot to me. God bless you all!