Our excitement has been put on hold for a while as we hit another bump in the road. Last Friday, the day after I announced my pregnancy, we went to the doctor. He was also very excited for us. We spoke about taking special precautions that can reduce my chances of getting pre-eclampsia again. And then we went to have a look on the sonar. Everything seemed good for 7-8 weeks, but we kept looking to see the baby in the 'nice big ovum of 3.5cm'. Even on the internal sonar we could not see anything. Its a blighted ovum, the doctor said. Not that I was familiar with the term but I knew it wasn't good. Wessel and I kept calm as we tried to come to terms with the disappointment. 'You are pregnant, but its not a viable pregnancy', the doctor said. 'The baby never developed'. 'The Lord is testing you', he added.
I don't know what's happening, but I know it doesn't feel good. I burst into tears as we got to the parking lot. All the excitement and now this? I know that God is in control and that He has a plan with even this, I just thought I had His perfect timing figured out – but obviously not. We'll just have to wait some more.
By Friday evening I decided to postpone the operation (the doctor suggested that Monday) by a week. I wanted to make sure that we were not missing something. Maybe there is some optical illusion that we are not aware of. Maybe the baby just needs some more time to reveal itself, although the doctor was convinced that it is definitely a blighted ovum. I don't question him as a doctor at all, he's saved my life before! And he's very competent. I guess its just something I felt I wanted to do for my own peace of mind.
Yesterday I went for blood tests again, and tomorrow we'll have another look on the sonar. I really wish for a miracle, but I told God that I rest in His plan. I've learned not to question it. God is the Creator, I am His creation. He understands me better than what I think I know myself. God is the Potter, I am the clay. He is shaping me and molding me to be fit for His Kingdom. Jesus is my Shepherd, I am just a sheep. He knows where we're going and He is protecting me from harm.
Just as well that I read through the book of Job again about a month ago. In the beginning of the book, Job looses everything that he owns including all his children. The only thing he's left with is a wife that tells him to curse God, and smarty pants friends who think they understand God and makes it their business to defend God's goodness by seeking fault with Job. That is the only way they can make sense of why God would allow Job so much suffering. I see that today too. People come up with theories and explanations for bad things that happen, as if they understand God. 'You know God would never do such a thing, it must be the Devil's work'. 'God is only good, you must've done something wrong.' 'You didn't have enough faith.' 'Maybe its God's way of showing you that you're not in His will.' Even though Job's friends thought they were defending God, God says in chapter 42 (v7), 'My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.'
I don't claim to understand God's ways, but I know His character (He reveals Himself in His Word so it's there for everyone to know). I don't know why He does what He does, but I know the promise of salvation is clear to understand for everyone with eyes to see and ears to hear. Heaven is the place he promised for those who belong to His Kingdom, and there we will understand and everything will be perfect. For now there will be times of imperfection, pain, loss, suffering, confusion and questions. And as I said last year when we faced the biggest trial of our lives, questioning is not something I do, because I trust God. I don't have to know everything.
The most amazing part of the book of Job for me is not when Job is restored by getting double what he owned before. Its the part where God talks. Its very poetic and beautiful as He describes His creation and His glory, might and power. He asks a lot of questions, but it basically comes down to this (in my understanding): 'Who do you think you are? Look around you! I am God! Trust me!' God's speech emphasizes his sovereignty in creating and maintaining
the world. God is king over the world and is not necessarily
subject to questions from his creatures, including men. God is not in need of the approval of his creation.
God is a Mighty God! He is worthy of our praise! He is not just an idol in our minds or a magic wand to swing when things get tough, or a crutch to lean on! He is real. He didn't just make us and leave us, He also cares for us on a personal level. So tomorrow I will go to the doctor again and face whatever is coming my way, because I know the God who created the Universe and every creature in it is also in control of what happens in my womb. And He loves me.
I think I should preach to myself more often, it really helps! Some days it feels like I'm facing the most difficult time in my life. But then I remember where we've come from and how Jesus has carried us through it. Then I know this will be fine too!
James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Dear Adéle,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog since you first started writing and I can identify with much of it! My husband and I are Christians too and have been going through a very similar and painful thing for a couple of years now. On our journey we have encountered some 'Job's comforters' and as if the journey is not hard enough, it has been a challenge for me to forgive some of the things that's been said to us in the name of God. I have no problem admitting that I have
been circulaing through the grief cycle more than once. I have found myself with David in the Psalms, and I have even found myself at a place where I wondered whether God really exists. And I think God is ok with it. Just look at the amazing things Doubting Thomas did after his encounter with Jesus' wounds. In worldly
terms I still haven't received my blessing: a child. But through this time of suffering I have learned that we often filter many Biblical truths through worldly beliefs, e.g. I don't believe anymore that a blessing necessarily has to 'feel good'. As humans we are too prone to depend on feelings, and then we often interperet the latter as a blessing or not. This has been the most difficult thing we have
ever gone through, but although it doesn't feel good or nice, I view it as the biggest blessing I have ever received. I am so thankful to God for taking me
through this, because who knows who I would've been if everything was plain sailing? I wouldn't have had a clue of suffering or what other people go through, and most importantly, I would've been a judging Christian. A Job's comforter,
telling people why they suffer and in that way attempting to spread the 'gospel'. I can't imagine how many people in my life would've become bitter against God and Christians if I did not experience true, raw suffering myself!
Adéle, I can see that your suffering carries an enormous blessing. The pain is so unbearable, I know, but I also know that never again in your life will you be the person you were before this happened to you, because you will have a deep understanding of the darker side of life. You will not be judgemental, but you will draw people in with your love and compassion, and you will speak from experience. I don't know you, and I don't know what the future holds for you or for me, but I agree with what you write so often: God is good all the time
and always worthy of our praise! You are blessed!
Thank you for the encouraging words, my sister in Christ. We truly have so much to be thankful for! I'm learning to extend my horizon beyond the grave... thank you for sharing and keep holding on to the Truth. May your life be a testimony to many, for God's work is more clearly seen when we go through trials than in the signs and wonders so many are seeking. xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Adele. Laat weet sodra jy iets weet seblief. Hier is baie mense op jou blog wat saam julle bid vir daai wonderwerkie.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the inspiration, I needed to read this. We've also been trying for a baby for two yrs, operations and countless doctor visits but nothing yet. I cannot begin to explain how much this post meant, I spiritually needed to see this, God meant this message for us too. Thank you out of the bottom of my heart. And I pray that this miracle is a miracle for you guys!
ReplyDeleteShoe powerful and God inspired truth! Amen
ReplyDeleteBianca