A time to mourn

Its been no less than two months since we said goodbye to our dearest Tabitha. Time heals they say. I can't say I agree at this stage. I just miss her more and more. In our culture mourning seems to be socially unacceptable. People don't know how to mourn. It is something we do in private because people generally are uncomfortable with it.  Our culture loves celebrations though. We celebrate everything. People are comfortable with positivity and celebrating anything from birthdays, weddings, graduations, end of the year, beginning of the year to Christmas, Easter, Ramadan, sometimes irrespective or in spite of the fact that they are religious or not. We have all kinds of ways to celebrate. Food, drinks, balloons, gifts, cake, music, fire works, and the more people the better. But its not natural to be happy all the time and not see that life is not just one big celebration. There is a time for celebration and laughter, but laughter is superficial and joyless if not seen in relation to the occasional sorrow. A child, for example, that has everything, does not appreciate anything.

Matt 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

My friend, Janine, said something that I really appreciated when we first found out that Tabitha had serious brain damage. She was crying on the other side of the phone and she said that when one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers with them. You know what I did not need at that time? Someone to say that all my problems will go away and that I must just stay positive. Its just not helpful. Reality must be faced and through faith we know that God is in control of every situation. No person can do anything to change the situation, but a person can show that they care by feeling your pain rather than trying to talk you out of it. Grief can be very inconvenient – for us! I know it is really difficult for most of us to really put ourselves in someone else's shoes. We are too comfortable in our own lives and we don't want to get our hands dirty. But that is what the love of Christ does. I can see it in other Christians by the way they get out of their comfort zones and learn what someone else's pain is like, empathise with them and suffer with them as if the pain was their own. You might think its pointless. Lets rather do what we do best and find something to celebrate, lets just cheer each other up! Lets just talk about something else then we don't have to think about the bad things! Just keep calm and carry on like nothing ever happened! But there is a time for mourning.  

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...

Lets embrace it with those that need our love and compassion. Some things do not get better with yet another party.

Many churches today also ignore mourning as a legitimate part of life.  We should mourn our losses, mourn the rebellious state of the world and also mourn our sins, like God does because it separates us from Him. But sin is hardly mentioned anymore. We prefer to talk about the secret to success, how to reach your potential or how to avoid suffering. Being 'happy' all the time apparently equates to nailing the spiritual walk. Sometimes what we need to hear is not what we want to hear. As Martin Luther said in his first point of the 95 Theses that started the reformation: When Jesus said 'Repent' he called for the entire life of believers to be one of repentance. What is repentance without regret and mourning? Not true repentance, I tell you! 

Thinking about death is probably the most rewarding thing we can do. Like Salomon said in Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting,

for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. 

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. 

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

Many will go through great effort to get to a wedding, but few will do the same to get to a funeral. In essence I think that is what Solomon is also saying. But thankfully our lives as Christians do not end in sadness. Our mourning is just for a short while. Through faith we know this, because the Bible reveals some of it to us, hence the book called REVELATION. There will be a great wedding feast. Jesus will come to fetch His bride, the church. (The church is everyone who belong to Jesus – nothing to do with membership or denomination!) Only those belonging to Him and who's sins have been forgiven will be invited! Everyone will wear white and it will be a celebration better than the best party you've ever been to! Only then can we say that we will never be sad ever again and life in the Kingdom of God will be a true celebration! He will make all things new!

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Sebastian goes home!

Getting ready to leave!

Mommy Monika, who will not miss driving
all the way from Benoni each day!

Yesterday was a big day. Tabitha's ex neighbour, Sebastian, went home after 20 weeks, 140 days in NICU. That is 6 and a half weeks short of half a year. I can't believe how far he has come. I wish his mother can tell you all about his journey but I'm sure she's got her hands full now with two babies at home (his brother is 13 months now). He was born on 5 July at 26 weeks, weighing something like 800g. He is now 1 month past his due date, and weighs 3kg. His ups and downs were too many to mention. The miracles along the way are still mind boggling. Finally he is well enough to go home.

Peacefully unaware of the big moment in his life!

I didn't want to miss it for the world. I took my camera and stood by to take some pictures of the big event. The nurses even baked him a cake to bid him farewell (a little sail boat, metaphorically setting off into the sunset)! He felt a breeze of fresh air and sunlight for the first time in his life as his mother put him in his car seat. Beautiful, although his mother was quite stressed. What if he stops breathing? No more checking the monitor to see that he is ok! She is now all by herself and the financial burden is also a frightening thought, especially for a single mother with a baby like Sebastian who will need special care, special milk, extra therapy and extra visits to the doctor. They still don't know for sure if he will be normal (by a miracle) or if he'll be impaired to some degree. Let's pray that he'll catch up with his development and be able to live a normal life!

His gran apparently said a while back that they are not good enough people to deserve a miracle. Good on her for not falsely thinking that they deserve anything. None of us deserve anything out of God's hand! We have all sinned and rebelled against God and fallen short of His glory! The ones thinking they are bad and even the ones thinking they are good. As Christians we don't believe in getting rewarded for doing good or being punished for doing bad while here on earth. That is karma, an eastern belief, with reincarnation and all of that where a person must try and save themselves. Sometimes I wish it was that simple, so we could be in control of our own destiny and determine what happens to us!!! But no, it doesn't work that way, no matter what your life coach tells you. We believe in a final judgement. The Judge, who is perfect and just, will one day judge all people. Not based on how 'good' or how 'bad' we've been, because that would be easy. We'll all go straight to hell because the bar is set very high. The standard is perfection, and none of us are perfect. He'll judge us based on our righteousness, which can only be achieved by being justified in Jesus, who took the punishment for our sins, once and for all. That means Jesus bailed us out of jail. We did wrong, and then an innocent Man volunteered to take our punishment so we can go free. Only in Jesus do we 'deserve' a reward, which is Heaven. Apart from Him we deserve nothing short of hell.

But how can a loving God send anyone to hell, you may ask. He is loving, yes, which is why He sent his son Jesus to be murdered for our salvation. But He is also just. He cannot be corrupt, because He is holy and perfect. Letting a guilty person go free is unfair and unjust even by our worldly standards. So why do we expect God to make an exception?

Nobody can deny that God exist. We can see His glory all around us. The whole earth brings glory to Him, every living thing, except the crown of His creation, man. We have believed the devil's lie that we can be as gods ourselves. That God will not judge us but that we can judge God.

We are 'in' Jesus when we realise our sinful and hopeless state, confess our sins and believe that He, unlike the prophets, founders and gurus of other religions, died but is not in his grave any more! He rose again because He is the only true and living God! Narrow minded to think that He is the only way? No people, check the facts, he's dead body could not be found, because he is not there anymore! And then He will take our sins away and give us a new heart that wants to bring glory to Him, forever! Praise the Lord!

Ps. Tabitha's article will appear in the 5 January 2012 version of Huisgenoot and You. But I'll remind you again closer to the time!

Two beautiful F words

My one friend invited me to run with her in the mornings. She said she wants to get into road running again and if I would be interested to be her running partner. But I know she's lying. She's totally doing it for my sake. She's probably thinking healthy body, healthy mind. But who can get depressed when you have amazing friends like that! I'm so thankful for every single one of them.

By Noranne Dovey

Isn't it beautiful?
It makes me think of Tabitha and smile!

I'm also thankful for the amazing people I've met and became friends with through Tabitha's life. Some I've only met on facebook, but we have made a connection and hopefully we'll get to meet in real life one of these days. I've had people coming out of nowhere, stumbling across my blog by chance, (or maybe through God's hand), inviting me for coffee – my one newly found friend even painted beautiful pictures of us, for us. I must still get it from her! (She's also available for commissions!!!) 

One of my old friends, also put me in contact with one of her friends, who lost her twins 5 years ago. I'm looking forward to meet her soon! She is on her way to Cape Town at the moment to visit her sister, who had a baby 2 weeks ago, sadly also born with complications and still in NICU. His name is Benjamin Marais and you can read updates on his progress here.

Wessel's brother got to go home last week and is delighted to be home after 1 and a half weeks in ICU and just over 2 weeks in hospital. We went to see them this weekend. It's good to see him on his feet again! We thank the Lord for his speedy recovery! He'll rest at home for a while but hopefully he will be able to go back to work next year.

I had lunch today with another new friend, Sebastian's mom. What a roller coaster ride it has been (and still is) for her. Remember last time I mentioned the operation he had to get to insert a feeding tube. The operation was a success but he had a hard weekend after that, getting lots of fits and making his mother stress. They did another MRI scan on his brain and it seems like God did a miracle because unlike before, and after getting all the fits, there was no scarring and the blood clot had resolved! But the doctor said that realistically they still expect him to be disabled to some extent, just not sure what that extent will be, because he's been through so much and 4 and a half months in NICU is not something you just walk away from without consequences. And then on Monday they said he can come home on Wednesday (tomorrow)! We were SOOO excited! But today he had an obstruction in his bowel again so there we go again. Around and around...up and down we go! I'm telling you this is one of the hardest things I think anyone can go through. Please continue to pray for her and Sebastian. The good thing is she's come to know Jesus through this whole ordeal so once again this is proof how God can use our circumstances to work together for our own good! God is good!

Did I mention before that I love the Bible. We chatted about it today as well and every time I am just amazed at what an amazing book it is. The whole thing is grafted together in one big story that contains everything we need to know about anything and the theme of the book is Jesus. The whole plot from the beginning maps out God's redemption plan for humankind through Jesus. We know it to be true and God to be true because it proofs itself to be true. It knows stuff that no human being could have known, because it was inspired by God. About the planet, the universe, science, politics, both past, present and future. The prophecies are all fulfilled in Jesus. Not 80% or 90% of them, but all of them. Don't be intimidated by it. Explore it. Study it. If you're looking for the truth, you will find it. If you don't want to find the truth because you're afraid that you'll have to change and you don't want to, you won't find it. Cool hey?

One of the analogies I recently enjoyed is the one of bearing fruit. The Bible has the best metaphors in the world. Fruit is delicious and one tree's fruit can be enjoyed by everybody. Note that fruit is not everything we want it to be. Bearing fruit is not something you DO. Its a result of being planted firmly in fertile soil and getting enough sunshine, water and oxygen. (Being rooted in the Word of God and feeding yourself daily). Good fruit comes when you kill pests before it destroys your crop (sin). And in order to bear good fruit the tree has to be pruned in the right season (trials). Trees don't go around boasting about their fruit. Its just there and people are blessed by it. Its what comes out and you don't feel the need to boast about it on social media, because you know its by grace and not your own strength. Christians these days unfortunately are sometimes not measured by their fruit but by their works and so called 'achievements' that they believe they achieve for God through their 'ministry'. If they pray and fast everybody needs to know so that everybody can know how spiritual they are. If they help the poor they have to get the media to do a press release. The examples go on and on. What is fruit according to the Bible?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22,23)

This is how you recognise a fruit bearing Christian! Not by DOING certain things but by just being Christian. By the way, notice how all these things can only be tested when circumstances are the opposite. E.g. love is best revealed when someone is unloving towards you, joy is only evident when life is difficult and you can find your joy in Jesus despite of it, etc. Being peaceful when you're at the spa with Kenny G playing in the background while you're getting a massage is not a fruit of the spirit, you catch my drift.

Rather be a small tree that is still busy growing, aiming to bear real tasty fruit in a few years' time, than one with a lot of fancy shmancy kitch Christmas decorations, disguising the fact that there are no fruit on it in the first place!!!

Those of you still trying to figure out the two words – its Friends and Fruit.  :)

 

My favourite room

I thought I'll post some pictures of Tabitha's room, since it is my favourite room in the house. When she was born we hardly had anything ready, except a few loose items and ideas in my head. As the furniture arrived things started to take more shape. There were times while she was in hospital when I was so sure she was going to come home so I continued to get everything ready. I remember the weekend before she died, I still packed out the chest of drawers and showed my mother in law all her little outfits. I couldn't wait for her to wear everything. After she died there were still a few elements missing, like the wall decor I had ordered online. Nevertheless, I decided to finish it off the way it was planned. You might think its sad but its not necessarily a sad place for me. I know one of these days we'll get the chance to use it the way it should be used. In the meantime I want to remember her and having all her items together in one room helps me do that. Obviously most of the items she never got a chance to use. But there is also a little white box with items from the hospital, like hair locks we cut off after she died, her socks, hats, her little blood pressure band, dummies and the prem nappies she used to wear. The top drawer also has some of the blankies she used, including her weighted blanket (it helped keep her calm when she was jittery), unwashed. 

There are two pillows in the room that I made, the one is pieced together from scraps of material, and the other one has a heart out of crocheted roses, with the words 'grace and beauty'. That is what Tabitha means. I made them before she was born.

Next to the dandelion above her cot is a ceramic plate with her foot prints, made by the nurses on the day of her death. It is a beautiful memory. It has her name and her date of birth and date of death. The nurse brought it to me the other day while I was having coffee with my friend, Sebastian's mother. It is so special! I also went up to say hello to some of the other nurses and I got to see beautiful little Sebastian as well.

I said the other day that people don't know how to handle death. I must include myself in that statement. Sometimes I find myself saying the stupidist things. I said that I like to talk about Tabitha, but the other day I saw someone and she said she heard I had a baby. I said yes. She said is it a boy or a girl? So I said its a girl...(pause) but she died. Full stop. The poor woman didn't know what to say and I didn't elaborate. I was so blunt. Maybe I thought she must've heard by now or I don't know but the fact is she didn't know. 

I like it when people say that they're sorry to hear, even if they might think that there are no words that can make me feel better. Its nice to know that people care or that they took notice that there was a little girl named Tabitha, and she mattered. But then I find myself saying more stupid things like 'yes it was tough but its over now'. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? It's not over! She may not be here anymore but I miss her every day and I wish that she could also be healthy like all the other healthy kids I see around me every day and that I can hold her one more time! I don't think its over until that glorious day arrives when I will see her again. I find myself getting emotional when I sing songs in church about that day. Don't get me wrong, I have made peace with everything that happened but I am still human and I still miss my baby girl. 

When I look around me there are so many bad and sad things happening in people's lives. My prayer list has never been this long. I believe that God is using it to tell us to WAKE UP and stop wasting our lives on meaningless petty little things that has no value for our souls and for other people's souls. Its so easy to stay busy doing things that might seem important to us, but in the bigger scope of things they mean nothing. Many people might not understand it, and it might seem cruel to some, but God cares more for our souls than what he cares about our comfort and happiness on earth. Jesus said in Matthew 16:24

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?  For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done."

I believe God will even push you to your limits if that is what it takes to learn to trust Him with all your heart. It's not about how strong we are or how much we can handle. Its about being made strong when we are at our weakest. Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 12:10 - For when I am weak, then I am strong. Therefore we can be thankful in all circumstances because God is using it to our benefit. Isn't that great to know? 

So here is an update from a part of my prayer list...

Gerhard, my brother in law. He's shown such great improvement the last few days after his motorbike accident two weeks ago. He was moved out of ICU last week Thursday and is on his way home tonight! We thank God for his speedy recovery! Pray with us that he will continue to get stronger and that all the pain meds won't mess him up too much! Apparently those rib breaks are the worst...

Sebastian, Tabitha's ex NICU neighbour. He has had his 4 month birthday this week and has been through so much during this time. He had a feeding tube operation on Friday to help him with his feeds because he struggles to learn how to suck. He doesn't like anaesthetics much so this whole weekend was a bit rough for him and his mother. He went for an MRI scan this afternoon to check how his brain is doing. Doctors expect him to be disabled. We don't know what's going to happen but his mother and I are trusting God because He is in control! And miracles can still happen!

And then another friend of mine ended up in hospital on her 30th birthday last week. Her body is showing weird symptoms and the doctors are still doing tests in order to make a diagnosis. She obviously doesn't know what to expect so having to wait makes it even more difficult.

If you want you can pray with me for these people and their families! They will appreciate it very much!


 

Help, I'm disillusioned!

Since I have the blog now I might just as well share some more honest thoughts. If you don't like it I apologise in advance. But at least consider it before you switch off!

I really appreciate people who can be honest and talk freely about things that matter. There is nothing as frustrating for me as wasting time talking about the weather and Malema. Especially after being exposed to reality in so many ways. Not only my own, but also after seeing other people who are going through really tough times. Its so easy, especially here in Joburg, to get caught up in materialism, vanity and impressing others. Really people. 

Its overwhelming how many people are uncomfortable with death. Or anything terrible that happens for that matter. Especially Christians. I'll tell you why. Some Christian circles teach that prayer is like a magic wand. God is just waiting for you to pick it up and speak the magic words and there you go. God acts on your request. Or demand. Or 'declaration'. Or they believe that by their 'obedience', which in actual fact is just the keeping of the law, they are entitled to certain successes. I'm getting sidetracked here, but the truth is that Jesus came to fulfill the law. Isaiah 64:6 says that our righteousness are as filthy rags. Your works do not impress God. And in Galatians 5:4 Paul says that You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. So if you think that anything other than accepting the work of Jesus on the cross and being forgiven for your unrighteousness by grace will earn you anything, you have missed the gospel completely. Yes, if anybody tells you to be saved by grace and do this or that, they are teaching a false gospel. Obviously if you realise that you're getting a gift that you don't deserve and that you are made righteous by grace alone, you would want to turn away from any sins. But it starts with a change of heart. It cannot be imposed on someone from the outside. What I'm trying to say is that even the most law-abiding prayer worrier Christian do not 'deserve' and therefore cannot claim any earthly blessing.

Other people who are into life coaching, positive thinking and motivational talking also try to avoid or ignore the subject of death. They believe that you are the master of your own universe, that you can shape your future and that happiness and success comes from your own inner strength, you must just tap into it and train your mind to do all sorts of things and wallah. Magic.

These types of people are disillusioned when a baby dies. And if it is the baby of a Christian who prayed, believed God and maybe even applied positive thinking techniques, even more so. That is why so many people tell me 'wow its so amazing that you went through all of this and kept your faith'. I can't imagine loosing your faith just because things do not go according to plan. I can imagine loosing your faith if you believe in the magic wand prayer and all the other stuff I mentioned. I would also. I know these things cannot be true because firstly the Bible doesn't teach it and secondly because it doesn't work. It only works when things go according to plan. Certain things we can control. But sometimes God reminds us that we are not in control. He is. We are small and insignificant. We are nothing to be proud of. No achievement can impress him. No good deed or cause will sway his thoughts about us. In ourselves, he sees our sin, because He is holy. But He also loves us and worked out our redemption from the beginning of time. Through Jesus He sees us as righteous and worthy to spend eternity with Him. How silly it would be to think that we can save ourselves.

Huisgenoot phoned me yesterday. They're going to use Tabitha's story in an article. I hope that more people who are faced with the realities of life will find peace and comfort in God (the real God that is!) in reading her story.