Presenting... little Divan Roberts!

On Monday a miracle happened. My sister had a healthy baby boy! We are all delighted and I can't wait to meet him soon! I know it happens all the time - people have healthy babies. But it doesn't take away from the fact that it remains a miraculous event. From conception, to birth. Wow. How amazing. Have you ever stopped to think about the miracle of life? Agnostics try to explain it by science. But science alone cannot explain how a sperm and an egg suddenly become a heartbeat. Did you know that at 6 weeks in the womb, a baby already has visible eyes, hands and a heartbeat? A little human being, with its own independently functioning organs, DNA, blood type and personality. People argue that its not a human being because its still dependent on the mother. Two independent heartbeats? Comeon... Just because someone is on life support or gets a dialysis doesn't make them any less of a human being.

A little logic goes a long way. Science should not take away our ability to think clearly and logically. Science can simply explain everything that was created by God in the first place. To disprove God, the source of life, you have to let go of all logical reasoning. Seeing a created being with intricately designed functions and features but denying a Creator? Unfortunately, that's what defines the norm of 'science' accepted by schools and governments today. We don't assume that a building just happened randomly, and when we buy clothes we automatically know that there was a designer and a factory somewhere that manufactured it. Yet when it comes to giving glory to God for what He has done, people will even give up their logic (while being labelled intelligent by the world) to try and deny Him so that they can continue worshiping themselves. Crazy stuff.

 
Yes, I do wish that this baby could've been mine! I can't help but think that if my last pregnancy worked out, my baby would've arrived in the next 3 weeks. But life belongs to God. He gives it and He has the right to take it. ONLY He has the right to take it. And that's fine with me. I don't want to be like God and control life and death. I don't have the wisdom and knowledge of things to come like He does.  I don't love like He does - in my humanity I find it hard to make even one decision not based on my own selfishness!

It might be hard, but when are we going to learn to trust God? To REALLY trust Him? On this road I've learned to trust Him a lot but I'm still not there. I still doubt and wish sometimes. But I am convinced that there is a purpose for everything that is put on our path. We must learn to give thanks in ALL circumstances. Instead of always questioning, doubting God, wishing we were God and acting like there is no God, we must learn to be content in our various situations, and just LIVE LIFE, to the glory of God. Focusing on ourselves always leads to self-pity and even more selfishness. Focusing on others and Jesus, who is the only true Hope, will help us to not worry so much about what we have now but about our treasures in heaven. Then life becomes meaningful. Not in a self-fulfilling kind of way (there we go with the selfishness again!), but in a way that truly glorifies God.
 
1 Peter 1:3-9
According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
 
Can we glorify God without denying ourselves? The harsh truth, according to Jesus, is NO.  In the parable of the rich young ruler (Matt 19/Mark 10) the man asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life. Did Jesus say: 'Just say a prayer and let me come into your heart?' NO!!! To enter through the narrow door takes a whole lot of self denying. Jesus challenges him to give up the things that he's put his trust in. The things he idolised. The things that gave him his identity. The things he coudn't live without. The things that were more important to him than Jesus. Even though he kept all the commands, he forgot about the first one - 'You shall have no other gods before me'. So Jesus cuts right to the heart of the issue and tells him to go sell all his possessions and give the money to the poor. From what we know it doesn't seem like he was willing to do that, so inevitably, he wasn't saved. (By the way, by today's standards, Jesus would be a very unsuccessful evangelist!) 
Then Jesus tells the disciples (Matt 19:29):
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life.
 
I've said it before and I'll say it again - if Jesus is not enough for you, nothing will be. No baby, no husband, no job, no house, no car, no lifestyle, no body shape and no amount of money will ever be good enough. I thank God for the miracle of a new life in our family, but with or without miracles, I trust and hope in Him, my Saviour, alone, and not in what He can give us.

I pray therefore, before praying for a baby, that we will become self-denying, God glorifying people, constantly searching our own hearts for idols, and that we will teach our children the same Truth! Only then can we look forward to eternal life. The life, and life in abundance, the future and the hope that John 10:10 and Jer 29:11 talks about! And this is what I pray for little Divan Roberts as well. The life and life in abundance, the future and the hope that only Jesus gives to those that are willing to deny themselves, follow Him and persevere till the end!

Here are some... ok, a lot of photos from a very proud aunty...

Proud Daddy!

With big sis (and second mommy) - Ezé

With chuffed 'ouboet' - Juan

Blessed mom and baby. After a ceasar under
full anaesthetics and a blood transfusion,
Hilde is looking beautiful!

I got this little outfit for him!

Cuteness personified!

This earth is busted!

Sickness, troubles, hurt, murder, poverty, suffering, loneliness, death - these things seem to be so prevalent these days - seems to me like its getting worse. And its all around us. Its not just far away, it happens here, to people close to us. Our friends lost their baby earlier this month after he turned just one day old. Another friend is struggling with health issues but doctors have not made any diagnosis yet. Our domestic worker's sister has been diagnosed with a tumour. Suffering caused by sickness is something our family is confronted with on a daily basis with my niece, Jené, especially now with her upcoming operations, hanging over our heads like a dark cloud. (see my post from January 2012 about Jené, who is living with cerebral palsey). These things often bring us to tears. Yet it has been prophesied by Isaiah around 700BC already that we can expect the earth and everything in it to 'wear out like an old garment'. No matter how much we try to 'save the earth', the reality according to God is that it will all pass away anyway, regardless of our efforts. The hope we have, however, is that the salvation of the Lord will not wear out, or pass away. It will last forever. That is the Hope that we can hold onto in these troubling and difficult times.

Isaiah 51:6 
“Lift up your eyes to the sky,
Then look to the earth beneath;
For the sky will vanish like smoke,
And the earth will wear out like a garment
And its inhabitants will die in like manner;
But My salvation will be forever,
And My righteousness will not wane."


Rebellion, lawlessness, pride, idolatry, destruction, selfishness, greed, envy, strife, selfrighteousness - these are the things even more prevalent in people these days. It might not drive us to tears the way the above mentioned circumstances do, but it makes God grieve. Yes, God grieves over sin. In Genesis 6:5-6 we learn about this attribute of God as He observes His creation, just before the flood.  
 'Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. The Lord was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart.'

In Matthew 24:37 Jesus says:
“As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the son of man” 

 In a world where sin is common, suffering, pain and destruction is common. Rom 6:23 says  'For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.'

He did not come to take away the bodily death, but He took away the sting thereof. 

How I wish that sickness, imperfection and death will go away! Wait a minute, oh yes...it will! All these things will pass away and God will make everything new! And those who can stand before him sinless (in Jesus) will live with Him forever in a world free from sin, sickness and death!!! 

REVELATION 21:1-4
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

Let's not be upset because we don't understand or because it doesn't seem to make sense. The Bible is filled with examples of people who also could not see the bigger picture but had to trust that God knows what He is doing. (Noah who built an ark in drought, Abraham, who was told to offer his son, Isaac, the Israelites wandering the wilderness for 40 years, Mary, mother of Jesus who was going to have a son out of wedlock, conceived by the Holy Spirit - I'm sure she had a hard time trying to explain that one to somebody!)  And God evidently had a great plan, even though none of them could see it at the time. We have the benefit of learning about God's character through these examples. It should be a lot easier for us to trust Him! It really helps me to remember that He is ultimately GOOD, infinite in WISDOM, and completely SOVEREIGN. Whatever He decides will be for His glory and our good!

A new heart

I'm very happy to share with you that I visited the cardiologist on Tuesday and after examining my heart on the sonar he agreed that I could stop taking the medication! No more Warfarin and Rampil, yey! I'm still continuing with the beta blocker for a while because that is not dangerous should I fall pregnant. The damaged wall in my heart has healed very well, and we are very thankful for that. So now there is nothing preventing us to go ahead with our 'family planning'. No pressure. 

So many of my friends have had babies this year or are currently pregnant. Maybe one day if God wills I will also be one of those people who fall pregnant and miraculously get to take home a baby 9 months later! Seems like everyone who didn't have a baby last year is pregnant this year...it must be really tough for people who struggle to fall pregnant. All I know is that one must never put your hope in 'things', e.g. in having a child, in getting married, in your husband, wife, in money, social status, your job or in reaching certain goals, etc. I believe that is why some people never get over their disappointments and losses. Because they are dealing with an idol issue. When you put your hope and trust in The One who is solid as a rock, who never changes or disappoints, then you can deal with absolutely anything. That's what happens when you put your trust in the Creator rather than the creation. 

I read my blog (everything up to day 53) over the last few weeks. What a hectic ride it was. Looking back, a few things are obvious. 

 - God was there all along. He never left us alone. 

- God has given us supernatural strength to deal with everything.

- He was faithful in not only sustaining us, but teaching us and changing us to become more like His Son.

- He is in control. He is sovereign in everything. What a comforting thought, because we know He is also good and infinite in wisdom.

- Nothing on this earth can and should get us down because the hope and undeserved gift we have in Jesus overpowers it all.

These are the thoughts that bring me to tears. Yes, off course I miss Tabitha. But I am not sad when I think about her. God has given me a new heart.

I'll leave you with the following scriptures. Can you believe that the Bible can be so specific - that God talks through His Word in every single situation we may face? Run to His Word in your difficulties - Jesus the WORD made FLESH (John 1:14), is the answer.

Heb 12:4-11
You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;  and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

     “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
       Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; 

        For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines,
      And He scourges every son whom He receives.”

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.  All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Psalm 119:75
 I know, O Lord, that Your judgments are righteous,
And that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.

Pictures of our Kite Day - Sunday 12 August

Joshua

Lily

Andrew

Katinka and I

Tabitha's bunny - posing with the cupcake arrangement

My mom and I

Almost!

Wessel and my dad

The engineer, readjusting the cord...

Success!

Wonderful August conditions for kite flying!

My turn!

Grant and Mel also built a lovely kite! Just a pity
the hearts and glitter blew away before the kite did!
It was a great effort nevertheless! Thanks guys!

Bow and arrow shooting tips...

Thank you all for coming! It was such a fun day!

Balloons in Paarl!

My niece Ezé, my sister Hilde and my nephew Juan

My cousin, Riette, and her friend in Watford, London –
thinking of Tabitha too...you guys are awesome!

Even with little wind, wohooo!

The Kite Day

Tabitha's first birthday week was very special. Wessel was away for work on her birthday, and being by myself gave me time to remember her and the events from a year ago. Some memories are, off course, very disturbing and sad, but all in all it is good for me to remember. I set aside all responsibilities for the day and spent some time reading some details of her life from my blog. I stayed in bed until late, reading a book, crying and answering messages and phone calls. My friend Luzaan decided to take me for lunch, and that's when the snow came down all over Sandton. It was such a special moment. Everything feels surreal when it snows, especially here in Joburg where we hardly ever see snow. Apparently Joburg saw some snow in 2007, and before that in 1981! At the risk of sounding a bit self absorbed, it felt like God sent us snow as a special message on Tabitha's birthday. Whether He did or not, it was very special - I will never forget it. We had lunch at a quaint little bakery. It was freezing and it felt like we were in Europe. (The thermometer was around 2 degrees celcius at lunchtime.) They even played my favourite music!

When I came back, there were three bunches of flowers delivered to my house. From Wessel, his family and my parents. As I was arranging them in pots two more bunches arrived - from my sister and friends. They are beautiful! My house is still looking like a flower shop! I was really spoiled and the day could not have been more special. It was the perfect day.

My parents came to visit for the weekend, and they gave me a beautiful ring to remember Tabitha by. Absolutely exquisite and totally unexpected. On Sunday we continued the one year memorial celebrations with our Kite flying picnic. It was sunny, but not exactly warm. The wind was freezing, but nevertheless we attempted the long anticipated event. We baked pretty cupcakes and set off with our home made kite. Some friends came to join us. They even brought their own kites along. It was very special. It was beautiful to see our kite fly higher and higher with its pink bow tail and banner and the number '1' drawn on the white plastic. We hope that it caught Tabitha's attention from whatever she is doing in heaven! Even if it didn't, we all enjoyed it very much and even the weather turned out to be quite nice. How wonderful to enjoy quality time with friends and family around the memory of our precious baby girl. We hope to do this every year from now on. 

Thank you also to people elsewhere who celebrated the day with us. My sister in Paarl and her family sent balloons up into the sky as the rainy weather is not ideal for kite flying. My niece even drew a picture of herself and Tabitha on the balloon. My cousin in the UK also had a picnic and flew a beautiful butterfly kite to remember Tabitha! 

I'm posting lots of pictures in another post and a video here. (Make sure you put on the sound at the bottom left.) Enjoy!

One year later: the things I've learned

Last year this time I was laying in a hospital bed, unaware of what the next day, let alone the next 2 months would bring. The nurses looked a bit worried, but I wasn't. I thought we'd be fine. I thought they'll stabilise my blood pressure and send me home until Tabitha was due. Her heart was beating beautifully on the monitors. Quickly did I learn that doctors can't fix everything. Even after the emergency ceasar I thought she would be ok because the doctors have everything under control. And loosing my baby was the last thing I ever expected to happen to me. Now I believe that God sometimes show us who is in control, who we ought to put our trust in, by letting the clever people run out of options.

If I look back now, the amount of things I've learned since then is immense. I am very thankful for that. I do not wish that this tragedy never happened. I do not look back and think what I could have done differently. I do sometimes think how things could have been if I had a normal pregnancy and a healthy child, but more in the sense of how I miss her, what she would have looked like, how she would have achieved her milestones, etc. I love looking forward to meeting her again in heaven. Heaven is more personal to me now. 

I learned about God's sovereignty, wisdom and goodness and how nothing is out of his control. I learned that when our lives are anchored in Him, we have nothing to fear. Nothing that can possibly go wrong can take away my foundation, my hope, my strength which is in Jesus. I've learned this year that whatever the future may hold, I'll be ok. God will never leave me, He will give me the strength to deal with anything that happens and if I run this race well, one day I'll reach the finish line. Graduation day. And what a glorious day it would be. Not the end, but the beginning of a brand new life. The way God intended it, without sin and pain and suffering. 

I learned that this life is uncertain, that nothing we have is really our own, that bad things happen to everyone, that God can't be manipulated. I learned that God is the creator, and we are the creation. What He says is true, whether we believe it or not. As God's creation we don't get to call the shots. What we do get is direct access to our Father, who can not be conformed to our level, but in Jesus we are justified before Him. My Father is the boss and I get to talk to Him. Does He always give me what I want? No! He gives me what I need. He loves me too much to give me what I want. He sees the end from the beginning and the beginning from the end. Therefore I can trust Him, even when it doesn't make sense to me in my limited understanding. 

I learned that miracles do not give people faith. Not the kind of faith God requires. Everybody loves a sign and a wonder, but only the Word of God has the power to bring you to true faith in Jesus. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God (Rom 10:17). We have the example of the Israelites who saw some of the greatest signs of all time, but they were still unfaithful. Therefore we can pray for miracles, but what we should pray for more is the seed of God's Word to take root in people's hearts. And when that seed grows into a tree, the fruit of such a life will be a witness and a blessing to many a people in need of God's grace through faith in Jesus.

I learned that this life is short. It should not be wasted on ourselves, because we are not here for ourselves. We are here for God's glory. A judgement day is coming, whether we believe it or not. We have all the evidence and the witness of God's law that was written on our hearts. Instead of wasting time arguing with what we already know, we should submit to God and live our lives accordingly.

I learned that happiness and reaching our potential is not God's ultimate goal for our lives. He wants us to KNOW HIM and glorify Him with our lives. If suffering will bring us to that point, He will allow it. Not because He loves to see us suffer, but because he loves us so much, He wants us to share in His glory one day.

I learned that God is far bigger than we could ever imagine. I learned that Jesus suffered more than what I could ever experience. I learned that the Holy Spirit is here to guide me and comfort me and strengthen me. I don't have to DO much because Jesus already did everything. I don't have to pray special prayers or do special rituals or confess certain verses or claim special benefits over my life. I can keep my sanity and logic and just trust God. He knows what He's doing!

I find Psalm 119 extremely relevant. Verses 67, 71 and 75 are interesting. (Seems like God blessing people through affliction is nothing new!) Verses 33-40 especially is my prayer today:

³³  Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statutes;
    and I will keep it to the end.
³⁴  Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
    and observe it with my whole heart.
³⁵  Lead me in the path of your commandments,
    for I delight in it.
³⁶  Incline my heart to your testimonies,
    and not to selfish gain!
³⁷  Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things;
    and give me life in your ways.
³⁸  Confirm to your servant your promise,
     that you may be feared.
³⁹ Turn away the reproach that I dread,
    for your rules are good.
⁴⁰ Behold, I long for your precepts;
     in your righteousness give me life!

⁶⁷  Before I was afflicted I went astray,
    but now I keep your word.
⁶⁸  You are good and do good;
     teach me your statutes.

⁷¹ It is good for me that I was afflicted,
    that I might learn your statutes.

⁷⁵ I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous,
    and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
⁷⁶ Let your steadfast love comfort me...

Kite-flying postponed to Sunday 12 August

Ok slight change of plan...we decided to move Tabitha's birthday celebrations out to next Sunday the 12th of August, because then my parents are in town and then they can also join in. So we'll be at the same place at Emmarentia Dam on Sunday 12 August from around 12h00. 

Thanks to everybody far away that said they're also going to fly kites to remember Tabitha. I think its a great excuse to have some fun as a family! Enjoy and take lots of pictures, then I can post them all on the blog here!!! And of course if you want to do it this Sunday feel free! We're just postponing ours for practical reasons.

Tabitha's first birthday

Its hard to believe that it has almost been a year since Tabitha was born. Next Tuesday she would have turned 1! It is an emotional time for us as we are reminded of the events from one year ago. Wessel and I watched some videos the other night that he took on his phone of her. Seeing her cute little face again, moving and making sounds seems so unreal. Needless to say we were both in tears. It reminded me that she was a real person. She lived and died. She is not someone that I hoped for but never met. She is my daughter, I am her mother and we spent lots of hours together. Precious hours that I will never forget. Wessel also reminded me that our tears are for ourselves, and not for her, because she is whole and healthy and perfectly happy where she is now. She is so much better off. We cry because we really really miss her. She left a gap in our lives and in our hearts even though her life was so brief.

I decided to start a new family tradition. Wessel and I are building a kite, and we are going to celebrate her birthday by flying the kite and having a picnic and just enjoying some time out in the park. For me kites remind me of being a child. Kites are fun and free and pretty. It will be my way of reaching out to Tabitha and wishing her a happy birthday. Saying that we miss her and are thankful for her and think about her all the time. Its also fun to build a kite together as a couple and one day when we have other children (God willing) we'll do it with them and use the opportunity to tell them about their older sister in heaven. And August - known as the windy month - seems like the perfect timing for kite flying!

And the best thing of all is that EVERYONE and ANYONE is welcome to come and watch our kite (fly). We'll be at Emmarentia Dam (in the open spaces close to the Beyers Naude/Thomas Bowler road entrance) on Sunday 5 August from around 12h00. Come and say hi and bring your own picnic stuff. Or bring your own kite if you're up for it! Don't RSVP or anything, just come if you are in Joburg and if you feel like it.

 

Hope in tough times...

I don't know how to say this in an understandable way, but the gospel comes alive to me more and more by God's grace as we face trial upon trial. I don't know if anybody can relate. It's just that the saving power of the cross overshadows everything and anything that we, from an earthly human perspective, tend to make so much of. I think of my own situation and I feel sadness, frustration and pain. But when I look at it from the perspective of the cross, I have hope, thankfulness and joy. How can I be unthankful or mad when I realise how much I have and how little I deserve?  If our joy and hopes and dreams are limited to this life now, we could possibly keep that train running smoothly on track for a while, but soon, more often than not, we will find that its on a roller coaster track. There are no guarantees, formulas or bulletproof principles that we can apply to get what we want. This life is uncertain, full of pain and suffering. Yes, even for Christians. We don't live in paradise. We live in a world full of sin and imperfection. Sin caused us many troubles, but most of all, it separated us from God.

So you want to know how I'm doing? Better than ever, I'll have to say, because I understand the gospel better than ever before. I understand how little I have to offer God. In fact, I have nothing to offer God. He is holy, and I am sinful. A holy God can never look at sin and excuse it or try to overlook it. If He could, He wouldn't be holy anymore. A righteous God can never allow sin to go unpunished. If He did, He wouldn't be righteous anymore. He can't even say, that's ok, as long as you don't do it again. That would make Him a lousy and unrighteous judge! Our sin cannot go unpunished. The wages of sin is death. Eternal death. No one deserves the happiness they think they deserve. In light of God, who gives us the air that we breathe, whom we've sinned against and disregard and do not even seek to please in most cases, we really have no foot to stand on. Even our best efforts are like filthy rags in His sight.

Why do I always focus so much on sin and talk down on myself and others, why am I so negative, why do I have such low self esteem, you may ask. The more I think about the power of the gospel, the more I know how much God must love us. If we don't see our helpless state with no way of rescuing ourselves from what we rightfully deserve, we also cannot understand God's love and grace. Just focussing on God's grace has no merit if we don't know why on earth we need it. Would we need grace if we could obtain righteousness for ourselves without God's intervention? No. We needed someone to reconcile us to God, we needed a mediator. A mediator would need to understand the case of both parties. That is why God, in His grace (which does not take away from His righteousness or holiness) worked out a perfect plan from the beginning of time, to reconcile sinful and rebellious man to Himself. Not that He needed us. (He is 100% self sufficient.) He would send His Son, who would be fully God and fully man, (therefore the perfect mediator) and 100% sinless and perfect (therefore sufficient as an offering for sin) to pay the penalty on our behalf. He knew we could not do it ourselves.

2 Cor 5:21  For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

So the glory of the gospel is effectively this: The One from whom we need to be saved is the One who saved us. Its the greatest love story of all time.

We often find ourselves, as Christians, seeking a blessing from God. God is a good God, and He wants to bless us, we are told. I'm so over that. God has already blessed us! Everything He did from the moment sin entered the world, was with one purpose in mind - TO REDEEM US. To BLESS us with the greatest blessing of all time – JESUS, the saviour of our lost souls.
Rom 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

If that is not enough, we will never be content. This life will satisfy only a lucky few, for a short while. With the light of the gospel in mind, I realise more and more that my happiness is not in having a child or in acquiring success or good relationships or any other pursued thing here on earth. It all just seems so futile and petty in comparison to what I already have in Jesus. And that, dear friends, is all we need, I believe, to conquer any trial or suffering or lack. Hope, they say, conquer all things. A false hope will crush us even more, but a true hope will help us to endure even the most difficult of circumstances, until the end. Rom 8:18 [Paul said] 'For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.'

I encourage everyone therefore to go ahead and acquire all you want to acquire, but if you acquire only one thing, make sure its your eternal security. No death, sickness, or lack can ever take that away from you. And nothing you do can ever earn it for you. And nothing you acquire can ever be worth it, if it costs you your soul. Salvation is by grace alone, through faith alone, in Jesus alone. Nothing more, nothing less.

The gospel is about God, its not about us. I find that if I focus too much on myself I loose perspective and feel sorry for myself – I can easily find more than enough reason to get depressed. But when I focus on the gospel, the good news about Jesus who became a man, offered Himself as the perfect sacrifice for my sin and proved His deity by being raised from the dead, I have a hope and a joy anchored in eternity and not in things that can be here today and gone tomorrow. I heard a good and relevant quote recently - 'Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.' Do we get that? Don't structure your entire life around money and when judgement day comes, you don't have any security!
 
I leave you with one of my favourite verses lately:

'For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?' Mark 8:36

If all of this seems a bit silly to you, you can ask the Holy Spirit to make it alive in your heart as He did in mine. It is the wisest thing you could ever do. 1 Cor 1:18: ‘For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.’

Matters of the heart

I used to always say back when my life was still plain sailing, 'If its true that God will not let anything happen to you that you cannot handle, based on my relatively easy life thus far, I probably cannot handle too much.' 

This past week was one of the most challenging of my life. Off course, nothing quite like what we went through last year, but still very hard. I'll try and tell you all about it without being too dramatic. The drama in my life is bad enough without me having to add any special effects!

I was admitted to the hospital on Monday morning for my scheduled D&C operation in the afternoon. They reason for the early admission is that they give you a drug a few hours before the operation (called Cytotec) to make the muscles relax so that the operation would be easier. 

Wessel came with me and sat next to my bed with his laptop, working. Even though its not a major operation, its always good to have your husbands' support. Hospitals are not fun at the best of times, and on top of that we were dealing with the disappointment of having to remove my unsuccessful pregnancy.

About half and hour after I was given the medication, I started feeling really bad. My chest started aching terribly and I was nauseous. I also broke out in a cold sweat, started to feel faint, had a painful lameness in both my arms and had an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Wessel gave me the bin for my nausea and went to call the nurse. They said the chest pain was because I was throwing up, but I know what throwing up feels like. This was different. They tried to put me in a wheelchair to take me to the bathroom, but I fainted, so they put me back on the bed and brought a toilet to me! The nurses called the doctor, who was there quickly and ordered a drip and tried to take some blood among other things. The bad symptoms didn't stop for a while – I thought for a moment that maybe I'm gonna die, but then I thought no, I'm just exaggerating. I can be such a sissy sometimes, I said to myself. The dizzyness went away and after about 20-30min the chest pain also went away. I was feeling weak. From what I remember a lung specialist came to see me, they did and ECG on my heart and then I was pushed to the radiology department with my drip to have X-rays and a sonar of the chest done. They didn't find anything irregular. Also, they saw the blighted ovum on the sonar, still no baby inside.

By now it was almost time for the D&C operation. It was successfully completed under aesthetics, so thankfully I don't remember anything. Had a bit of a déjà vu, because the gynae and anesthetist were also the ones to do my c-section, delivering Tabitha. After the operation I didn't have much pain, except a little chest pain again that lasted for a few minutes. It wasn't as bad as the first time, but still pretty uncomfortable. 

The cardiologist also came to see me. He did a sonar of my heart and was very happy. Everything looked good to him. They decided to keep me in hospital for the night in order to do another ECG and more blood tests in the morning, but assured me that I could still catch my flight the next afternoon to go visit my parents. Later that evening, I was transferred to the CCU (Coronary Care Unit). I didn't understand why, but apparently after the doctors left they picked up something that caused them to worry about my heart. I think it was the blood test results that showed significant amounts of enzymes that leaked from damage to my heart muscle. I was connected to the monitors and had a nurse looking after me, exactly like Tabitha did in the NNICU. I was still not too worried because the doctors said I could go home the next day. But then they picked up from my ECG that morning, that the chest pain of the previous day must have been a heart attack. I couldn't believe it, but I think neither could the doctors. They've never seen anybody have a heart attack from Cytotec before. In fact, I was given a lower dosis of it last year with my c-section. So there were lots of questions and off course everybody that heard the news couldn't believe it – it still sounds like some sick joke.

The most disappointing thing for me was that I had to cancel my flight to go visit my family and stay in hospital the whole week. They scheduled me for an angiogram on the Thursday. They established that my cholesterol was low, and since I didn't have a family history of heart problems and was young and relatively fit, they didn't expect to see any problems with my arteries on the angiogram. They believed that the heart attack was mainly due to the drug causing my heart going into a spasm and temporarily cutting off oxygenated blood flow to the heart muscle. A small part of the heart muscle sustained injuries, but it can repair itself in time. 

The worst part of the hospital stay for me was the taking of bloods at least twice a day. My arm doesn't have good veins and I was already blue from struggling to find veins on the Monday. They pricked me everywhere from my hand to the back of my elbow. The other arm had a permanent drip, so they didn't go there. And I can't stand blood and needles. I always look away, afraid that I would faint! On Thursday after the angiogram the Ampath person showed up there with like 15 tubes to fill. I wanted to cry it was so sore. O yes, I did cry because my vein ran dry when there were still 5 tubes left. Anyway, they eventually got their blood and my arm got some more bruises and another plaster stuck to my wounds and irritating my skin.

The angiogram was not my best experience ever. I wasn't sure what to expect so the unknown is always a bit scary. They give you local anesthetic in your groin, which I find to be quite a sensitive area, but at least after that you don't feel much when they inject the contrast through a vein in your groin. I could see my arteries on the screen as the contrast filled them, one at a time. Off course I didn't know what to look for but I just hoped that everything would be normal and fine. They did, however, find a slight narrowing on the one artery (about 8%), but they didn't think it was significant enough to put in a stent. The doctor told me that they would have to put me on medication to make sure that my heart repairs properly. That was the single worst moment for me the whole week. I knew what it meant. We would have to delay falling pregnant, and I so desperately want to have a baby as soon as possible. I balled my eyes out. The people in the room didn't know what I was on about. 3-6 months, he said, maybe a year. I just wanted to be alone and cry a bit. I guess that's why I couldn't quite handle the 15 tubes of bloods. 

I was hoping to maybe come home on Thursday, but I had to stay flat on the bed without bending my leg for 6 hours so the wound could settle. It bled quite a bit. In the afternoon I could start walking again slowly. The cardiologist prescribed my medication and said I could go home the next day. Apparently slight narrowings in young people's arteries are rather common, but still they'd expect it from someone with high cholesterol. The artery itself wouldn't repair, but in itself it shouldn't cause me any problems, except if I take Cytotec again! Apparently my symptoms are listed as a side effect of Cytotec, but only one other case has been reported worldwide. 

On Friday morning I was released to go home after breakfast. I was so happy! I couldn't wait to get home. After being warned by the doctor that I might experience low blood pressure and therefore dizzyness as a result of the combination of drugs that I'm on, I managed to faint on my way to the bathroom just as Wessel came in to fetch me. As I felt dizzy I went to sit down immediately, but the feeling wouldn't go away and I passed out as they put me into a chair to take me back to my bed, even though I tried so hard to stay awake. Apparently I clung to the chair and started shaking and Wessel and the nurses got a big fright once again. Shame my poor husband. He's had more than a fair amount of stress this week! I was so angry with myself because then they were worried about me again and I couldn't go home. They just took off all the ECG stickers from my chest and my drip and everything, and when this happened they had to put it all back again. Except the drip, but still those stickers hurt when you pull them off! My blood pressure was very low, but the doctor said I just need to adapt to the medication and stand up really slowly. So in the afternoon I finally went home. 

My body is still tired and I'm still a bit dizzy - all side effects from the pills. For those familiar with drugs, I'm taking Warfarin, Cardicor and Rampil. Not your average disprin type of drugs. I also have to get an injection in my tummy every 12 hours for blood clotting, but only until Monday. Wessel has to give it to me, because as I said I am terrified of needles. I get palpitations before every shot!

It was really a hard week, but as I had to deal with bad news upon bad news, I just knew that we've been through worse, and God has given us the strength to deal with it before, He would do the same now. Nothing that happens could ever change my convictions, because they are written deep on my heart and no single event or circumstances can erase it. I realised that tough times are there to reveal who we really are on the inside, what our hearts really believe. 

1 Peter 1:6-7

'So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remain strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.' 

I will still put my trust in God, in His sovereign plan, in His perfect goodness and ultimate wisdom. I still believe that nothing happens that He doesn't know about and that won't work together for the Christian's good and His glory. He is in control of everything that happens, even if it seems really bad to us. Yes, there is sin, yes there is a devil, but God made the universe, and nothing catches Him off guard. We must stop trying to make sense of everything with our little brains. 

The fact is we spend our whole lives trying to avoid suffering, so when times of suffering come, we try and find out what we did wrong or who we can blame. Sometimes there are ways to avoid suffering and sometimes suffering is self-inflicted. Sometimes we suffer for the gospel. But sometimes we just don't know what is going on, and the Biblical way to respond is with confidence in God's sovereignty, perseverance and courage - Jesus will carry us through. God can teach us valuable things through suffering, but somehow we tend to rather run to successful people, living attractive lives, to learn what 5 point plan and 7 step principles they are applying. Through trials we get to learn directly from God, and when we endure, the rewards are eternal. God's righteous judgement is sure to come, but there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Not now, and not even on judgement day, because Jesus paid our debt.

Romans 8:35,37-39

'Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us...Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below – indeed, nothing in all creation will ever separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

I am comforted to find that the New Testament is filled with words of encouragement for people going through trials. Trials were not uncommon to Christians then, so why do we expect just blessing and prosperity now? Popular preachers today seem to think that 'breakthroughs' are around every corner, but I don't find this in the Bible. No, the promises of the Bible are in Jesus, who is our Saviour, not our want and greed fulfiller. He died so that we don't have to die an eternal death, not so that we can have all our wants and desires satisfied in this life. If this was true, the Way would not be called the Narrow Way, but the Popular Way. If Jesus is not enough for you, I'm afraid tough times will have you fall by the wayside. Make sure you make up your mind to know what you believe about God and where you stand with Jesus before you get tested! 

And lastly, I just want to thank my husband for his endless support and love during this difficult time. He is a pillar of strength to me, even though he had stress from all sides this week. I also want to thank all my friends for the messages, phone calls, gifts and hospital visits. I was spoiled to have always had visitors during every single visiting hour this week, and my house looks beautiful with all the flowers! Thank you also for all the prayers and concern. It really means a lot to me. God bless you all!