Last year this time I was laying in a hospital bed, unaware of what the next day, let alone the next 2 months would bring. The nurses looked a bit worried, but I wasn't. I thought we'd be fine. I thought they'll stabilise my blood pressure and send me home until Tabitha was due. Her heart was beating beautifully on the monitors. Quickly did I learn that doctors can't fix everything. Even after the emergency ceasar I thought she would be ok because the doctors have everything under control. And loosing my baby was the last thing I ever expected to happen to me. Now I believe that God sometimes show us who is in control, who we ought to put our trust in, by letting the clever people run out of options.
If I look back now, the amount of things I've learned since then is immense. I am very thankful for that. I do not wish that this tragedy never happened. I do not look back and think what I could have done differently. I do sometimes think how things could have been if I had a normal pregnancy and a healthy child, but more in the sense of how I miss her, what she would have looked like, how she would have achieved her milestones, etc. I love looking forward to meeting her again in heaven. Heaven is more personal to me now.
I learned about God's sovereignty, wisdom and goodness and how nothing is out of his control. I learned that when our lives are anchored in Him, we have nothing to fear. Nothing that can possibly go wrong can take away my foundation, my hope, my strength which is in Jesus. I've learned this year that whatever the future may hold, I'll be ok. God will never leave me, He will give me the strength to deal with anything that happens and if I run this race well, one day I'll reach the finish line. Graduation day. And what a glorious day it would be. Not the end, but the beginning of a brand new life. The way God intended it, without sin and pain and suffering.
I learned that this life is uncertain, that nothing we have is really our own, that bad things happen to everyone, that God can't be manipulated. I learned that God is the creator, and we are the creation. What He says is true, whether we believe it or not. As God's creation we don't get to call the shots. What we do get is direct access to our Father, who can not be conformed to our level, but in Jesus we are justified before Him. My Father is the boss and I get to talk to Him. Does He always give me what I want? No! He gives me what I need. He loves me too much to give me what I want. He sees the end from the beginning and the beginning from the end. Therefore I can trust Him, even when it doesn't make sense to me in my limited understanding.
I learned that miracles do not give people faith. Not the kind of faith God requires. Everybody loves a sign and a wonder, but only the Word of God has the power to bring you to true faith in Jesus. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God (Rom 10:17). We have the example of the Israelites who saw some of the greatest signs of all time, but they were still unfaithful. Therefore we can pray for miracles, but what we should pray for more is the seed of God's Word to take root in people's hearts. And when that seed grows into a tree, the fruit of such a life will be a witness and a blessing to many a people in need of God's grace through faith in Jesus.
I learned that this life is short. It should not be wasted on ourselves, because we are not here for ourselves. We are here for God's glory. A judgement day is coming, whether we believe it or not. We have all the evidence and the witness of God's law that was written on our hearts. Instead of wasting time arguing with what we already know, we should submit to God and live our lives accordingly.
I learned that happiness and reaching our potential is not God's ultimate goal for our lives. He wants us to KNOW HIM and glorify Him with our lives. If suffering will bring us to that point, He will allow it. Not because He loves to see us suffer, but because he loves us so much, He wants us to share in His glory one day.
I learned that God is far bigger than we could ever imagine. I learned that Jesus suffered more than what I could ever experience. I learned that the Holy Spirit is here to guide me and comfort me and strengthen me. I don't have to DO much because Jesus already did everything. I don't have to pray special prayers or do special rituals or confess certain verses or claim special benefits over my life. I can keep my sanity and logic and just trust God. He knows what He's doing!
I find Psalm 119 extremely relevant. Verses 67, 71 and 75 are interesting. (Seems like God blessing people through affliction is nothing new!) Verses 33-40 especially is my prayer today:
33 Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statutes;
and I will keep it to the end.
34 Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
and observe it with my whole heart.
35 Lead me in the path of your commandments,
for I delight in it.
36 Incline my heart to your testimonies,
and not to selfish gain!
37 Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things;
and give me life in your ways.
38 Confirm to your servant your promise,
that you may be feared.
39 Turn away the reproach that I dread,
for your rules are good.
40 Behold, I long for your precepts;
in your righteousness give me life!
67 Before I was afflicted I went astray,
but now I keep your word.
68 You are good and do good;
teach me your statutes.
71 It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes.
75 I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous,
and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
76 Let your steadfast love comfort me...
