Memorial memories

Yesterday we said goodbye to our darling Tabitha. Until we meet again! 

We were all very emotional, and touched when we saw how beautiful everything looked. Her body was contained in a little Moses basket in the front of the church building. Even though the last two months was a period of trial and testing, we have fond memories of our girl and are thankful for the short time we had with her. It was a blessing to see so many of our friends and family there. But to all who wanted to be there but couldn't make it, I will post some photos here so you can also feel part of this special occasion. I actually wish we had taken more photos with everyone there, but I guess posing for pictures was the last thing on everyone's mind.

Doug Cochrane, our Bible Study leader and wonderful friend, conducted the sermon. I will post the sermon soon so that everyone can be blessed by it the way we were blessed by it. We listened to the song 'The Steadfast Love' that I used to sing to Tabitha, and that greatly encouraged me throughout this time. I will miss singing it to her. 

Everyone put rose petals on her little basket. It was the end of Tabitha's short visit to earth. All we have left now, are photos, a few short videos, and some items that remind us of a little girl, whom we once could hold in our arms. When she cried we wanted to comfort her. Now its our turn to cry and be comforted. 

But our tears are not forever and our sadness will not last. His mercies are new every morning. Our winter is over, spring is on the horizon. We are already so blessed to see and hear so many stories of how Tabitha's life has impacted other people's lives. People close to us and people we don't know at all. Her life has also impacted our own lives. It has strengthened our marriage, it has strengthened our relationships with our families, it highlighted the fact that we have so many wonderful friends around us, we even made some new friends in the process. It also brought us into a fuller understanding and closer relationship with God. Ironically, the life and death of our child has highlighted God's goodness and mercy to us. I can't even explain it to anybody. His plans are so wonderfully complex and His wisdom and love abounds. We could never have imagined anything better in light of eternity. I know no friend or relationship can replace the life of your child, but its not supposed to. Nothing will replace Tabitha, not even 10 other children. We have a hope that is much greater than any earthly blessing. 

My dad, my sister Hilde, me, Wessel, my sister Minnette, my mom.

Thank you's

I just wanted to post the funeral thank you's here for everybody to see. 

Die volgende mense het vir ons baie beteken in hierdie tyd. Ons is opreg dankbaar.

 
 • Die dokters by Sunninghill hospitaal:
 Die ginekoloog, Dr O'Hanlon, wat vinnig en wys opgetree het voor en met Tabitha se geboorte
 Die Pediaters - Dr Pillay, Dr Swanepoel en Dr Nunes. Baie dankie ook vir die pragtige ruiker.
 Die Neuroloog - Dr Wilson
 Die Neuro chirurg - Dr Marus
 Hierdie mense doen 'n ongelooflijke werk en het alles menslik moontlik gedoen om Tabitha die beste kans op lewe te gee.

• Die NICU verpleegsters. Sister Kumari en haar span het 'n wonderlike werk gedoen om dag in en dag uit na Tabitha om te sien

 • Sister Lorna, wat Adele die eerste aand versorg het en 'n goeie vriend geword het. Sister Rose vir al die drukkies, bemoediging en skouer om op te huil. En Brenda, die deurwag, wat ons weer gewys het wat dit beteken om regtig te bid.

 • Wessel se IDC Kollegas vir hul ondersteuning en Riaan vir sy toegeeflikheid t.o.v. werksure wanneer dinge moeilik was

 • Ons famílie vir julle oneindige liefde en ondersteuning

 • Ons vriende wat ons op 'n wonderlike wyse begestaan het en steeds bystaan. Ons is geseend met so baie mense wat gereeld aangebied het om enigeiets vir ons te doen, wat kos, blomme en presente aangedra het. Elke oproep, selfs van oorsee, elke kuier, elke sms, email en kaartjie het vir ons so baie beteken.

• Ilse wat ons aangeraai het om hospitaal toe te gaan die dag voor Tabitha se geboorte.

 • Chantelle en Luzaan wat vir Adele 'n pragtige ooievaarstee gereel het onder moeilike omstandighede, 2 weke na Tabitha se geboorte.

 • Almal wat dalk nie naby was nie maar die blog gevolg het en boodskappe van bemoediging en ondersteuning geskryf het.

 • Almal wat deur die tyd nie opgehou het om vir ons en Tabitha te bid nie. Julle gebede is beantwoord. Dit het ons gedra en dra ons steeds.

 • Doug, for conducting the service today and for your friendship and support.

 • Garmond en almal by Finset (www.finset.co.za), wat op kort kennisgewing vir ons die begrafnis pamflette gratis gedruk het.

• Nina Collinge van Collinge & Co. funeral Directors (www.collinge.co.za) wat ekstra moeite gedoen het om vandag vir ons so spesiaal te maak. Ons bedoel dit opreg.
 
 • En dan ook aan almal wat moeite gedoen het om vandag hier te wees, en spesiaal aan almal wat van ver gekom het, om julle ondersteuning te wys.
 
 Ons waardeer elkeen se spesiale deel in ons en Tabitha se lewens.

1 October

Vandag begrawe ons ons kind.

Dis Oktober. Die mooiste, mooiste maand. This is the month that Tabitha was due. It turns out she was due for heaven. 

Wessel and I sleep well, but when we wake up we miss our baby girl and we cry. The last two nights we slept with her weighted blanket. Every now and then I can smell her. I think about how we still held her little body long after her spirit had left us. It brings me joy to think of her. But it brings more joy to think how happy she must be now. 

We cry. Our tears are tears of longing, but it is also tears of relief and joy. We are thankful that we can have a little bit of understanding as to what her purpose was, why she was born, why she had to suffer and why she had to die. And we are so blessed by it. Our God is so big and his ways are wonderful. We are not anything special, not better than anybody else, but he chose us to be this special girl's parents and we are thankful. He did not allow us more pain than we could endure. He took her away while she was still a baby, perfect in every way a baby should be. She slept, she cried, she opened her eyes, she sucked her dummy, she had hiccups, she pee'd and poo'd. We will not remember her as someone with brain dysfunction. We will remember her as a beautiful, perfect baby girl. We praise our gracious Father. All glory to Him.

In the words of Job, I can now also say, and for the first time I can experience this truth in a positive light. 

And he said, "Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

(Job 1:21)

Memorial Service

The memorial service for Tabitha will take place this Saturday 01/10/11 at 11h00.
The venue: Afrikaans Presbyterian Church, c/o Malibongwe & Elise roads, Randburg.

Much love

Wessel & Adele

Day 52 and a half

I cried when I woke up this morning. Just a little more intense than yesterday morning when I also cried. I made breakfast and showered, crying non stop. Wessel tried to comfort me and I told him I can't stop crying. The nurse phoned and I knew Tabitha's time had come. I wept all the way to the hospital. Wessel asked me to tell him how I feel. I said I'm fine but I know the end has come. Its like the Lord has prepared me by starting to mourn. We were not anxious or afraid and I thank God that He has answered our prayers. 

The doctor said that Tabitha was not looking good, they suspected that she had a blocked artery in her lower body because her legs were pale and her upper body reddish. I just wanted to see her and kiss her as much as possible. Her oxygen settings were high at 85%. I could see she wanted to leave us for a better place. We had to discuss what to do with the doctors, who gave her a light dose of morphine so that she can go without pain. The doctor suggested that we take her off the Sipap machine to speed up the process, because it could be hours or even days. Wessel made it clear that we don't want to do anything close to euthanasia, so doing something like that we felt would be too drastic. If God wants to take her He can do it while she is still on the machine. 

She started crying uncontrollably so we tried to calm her down by touching her head firmly and tapping her bum. She always liked that. Then I picked her up and she was very calm and seemed content. The sonar lady came with the machine and they took a sonar of her tummy to see if there is a blocked artery. They found none. Wessel took photos of us and the nurse took photos of the three of us. I asked them to take the line out of her mouth where she received her feeds. I also asked them to draw the curtains so that we could have some privacy. It wasn't long when I felt and saw that her chest stopped moving. I told Wessel that she had stopped breathing. It wasn't apnea. Her breath didn't come back. I asked the nurse to take the Sipap contraption off her face so that I could kiss her and appreciate her pretty face for the last time. The monitor still picked up her heart beat for quite some time. It was very slow until it finally came to a stop. I don't know how much time had lapsed since I picked her up or how long it took for her heart to stop. I just tried to soak up the precious last moments with her. I stroked her head and kissed her and felt her feet and hands. Wessel did too. Our tears would fall on her little body, slowly turning colder. But her skin was just as soft as always. She was so peaceful. And although we were crying and heartbroken, we had peace as well. I told Wessel this is what we have asked for. That God would not prolong her suffering. That we would not have to make the decision. That it would not be dragged out. But holding your dying child in your arms is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm glad that I had the opportunity. I'm so glad that we could have a limited time with her, and be blessed by her short existence here on earth.

Wessel wanted to hold her little body. I took photos. When we were ready we put her back in her bed so that the nurses could take out the drips and stickers and everything else. They also bathed her and dressed her. She is wearing a beautiful pink babygrow with butterflies. 

We went downstairs and had lunch. Then we could go up and see her again for the last time, on earth that is. She looked beautiful. I picked her up, wrapped in her blanket. For the first time I could hold a 'cordless' baby and sus her, without worrying about some attachment hurting her. I held her head close to my face and stroked her hair with my cheeks, the way I always did when I kangaroo'd her. It felt just as lovely. We packed all her things and took some more time to say goodbye to her. We know she is with Jesus already, with a perfect body and happier than she could ever be here on earth. She has gone before us. And one day we will be reunited with her again. Tabitha. Grace and beauty. Our oldest daughter and greatest blessing. 

Some people will say, and have already asked the question. Why would God give you a child and then take her away again? I don't know all the answers, but the scope of the profound influence her short little life has had on people we will probably never know. She has been a blessing for so many people, especially to us, her parents. We have grown closer together during this time, closer to our friends and family, and also closer to God. Her life was not in vain.

As human beings we always try to find a happy ending to all stories. We try and fairy tale everything. But then this seems like a sad ending.  Its not the end. This life is not the end of the story. Can you also see it? She never set foot outside the hospital, and her adventures comprised of visits to theatre. Operating theatres, that is. Most of the people who loved her dearly, never got to meet her.  Only God could think to use a little girl, not even 2 months old and weighing only two and a half kg's, to teach grown ups about Him, build their characters, show them what is important in life and give them hope. I pray that you will also experience the peace that only God can give in His Son, Jesus. I pray that you will also find strength to handle your challenges in this life. And I pray that your life will also give glory to God the way that Tabitha's life did. 

I will miss you my precious daughter. I'm sure I'll cry many more mornings on waking up. I'm sure I'll spend many days in the room you never got to sleep in, missing you, longing to hold you and kiss you again. You will always be our oldest daughter and mommy and daddy are very proud of you. Enjoy sitting on Jesus' lap and playing fun games with other children in heaven, where you'll know no lack, pain or tears. We love you.

Ps. This might not be the end of this blog quite yet. I will post more thoughts if I feel like sharing them, and I might post more photos. We are planning a memorial service for Tabitha on Saturday here in Joburg somewhere. I will post the time and place tomorrow. Anybody who loved her is welcome.

Day 52

Wessel worked from home today, which helps because if something happens at the hospital he is not far away. I went in early to see how our little girl is doing. The fact that we didn't get a call from the hospital during the night was good news in itself. She seemed to be doing quite well on the Sipap machine, on 33% oxygen and 40 breaths per minute, although they did go up with the oxygen during the night to 80% at one stage. Her colour looked better than last night, and her blood gas test (indicating pH levels and hemoglobin, among others) was looking good. She received platelets at night again. Her CRP (reactive protein) levels had come down which is good, but her PCT levels (some marker for infection) had gone up to 4.12. So trying to get a good indication on whether the fungi is coming down or flaring up is difficult based on these blood tests.

The broviac line (the line going to a vein through the chest) had to come out because the doctor suspects that it can be the cause for her fungi infection. The type of fungi is some or other species of Candida. The best treatment available for it is the Albumin antibiotic, on which she's been for more than 2 weeks now. The doctors are not sure why it still flared up despite early treatment. But we'll see now if the line they took out will make a difference. They sent the tip of the line to the lab for testing.

The surgeon only came to take the line out in the afternoon. I obviously had to go outside, but it was probably one of the worst things she's had to endure in her short life. And as a mother I'm naturally very sensitive to someone hurting my child. They did give her local aesthetics, but apparently the doctor battled to get the line out, I'm not sure why. She screamed. Directly afterwards I went in again and her eyes were open, no crying. They gave her pain medication as well, but I think it took a while to kick in. She started crying uncontrollably and I could not calm her down. I called the nurse to come and help. After a while she got Tabitha to calm down. I was exhausted from all the stress.

Our evening visit was good but emotional. My heart is heavy and my tears are plentiful. I also didn't know that kissing a baby's soft cheeks could bring me so much joy. I could just put my face on her beautiful cheeks forever. And watch her cute face and appreciate her long lashes and perfectly shaped lips.

I think Wessel and I have reached a new level of suffering last night. Things that I was sure about regarding Tabitha, I'm not too sure about anymore. I know God will carry us to handle what is to come the way He has carried us up to now. But it is painful. I pray now that one of two things will happen. God must end her suffering and take her home or He must do a miracle. I'm not sure if we're strong enough for anything in between, but He knows and may His will be done. He is wiser than the doctors and more loving than any parent. I know I can trust him to do the best thing for Tabitha, and for us, and still be glorified through it. 

Psalm 23 has a whole new meaning to me now. A friend sent it to me today.

The LORD Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

  
    ¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    ²He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    ³He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
   for his name’s sake.

    ⁴Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
   I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.

    ⁵You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
    forever.

Day 51

We just got back from the hospital. I've been there since 2pm. I still picked up Tabitha this afternoon but after I put her down she had a big setback. She started getting apnea spells, that means she would stop breathing for short periods. But it kept happening for more than 10 minutes, then they phoned the doctor. I phoned Wessel to come immediately. In short the two doctors asked us to make a decision on how far we want to stretch Tabitha. The infection is quite severe and we looked at the MRI scan again. Previously I said it was 65% CSF and 35% brain. I was lying. We compared it to other prem babies' brains and its more like 10% brain. I am actually surprised that she is functioning as she is. Previously they thought the brain was under pressure and will decompress once the CSF is taken out with a shunt operation. But we know now that there is not a high pressure system in her head, so what you see is what you get. But I will not let them not give her a chance just because her future looks grim. Where there is life there is hope. We decided to put her back on the sipap machine, rather than the oscillator or ventilator. The doctor says if she goes back on a ventilator she'll probably never come off it again, and putting a pipe in her nose is eina. She is on 25% oxygen and the machine assists her breathing with 40 breaths per minute. We decided to not start antibiotics for incase she has a bacterial infection. We don't want to strain her body unnecessarily so we're willing to take that calculated risk. She has not had bradys since on the sipap, so that looks good, but she is still getting apnea. Yesterday I said she looked good for someone who is sick. Well since the setback she does not look good at all. She looks sick. They did an Xray of her lungs and it seems like there is something on there, could be the fungal infection. Could be that the apnea is caused by that, which is kind of good, otherwise it would mean that it is caused by a lack of brain function.

I wish I could stay at the hospital all night but I really need some sleep now so I'm gonna try and do that. She is not in my hands. She never was. She is in God's hands so I will just keep praying and trusting Him. Nothing else matters right now. PLEASE PRAY.

Wessel asked me if I have tasted her spit. He says it tastes like candy.