A new heart

I'm very happy to share with you that I visited the cardiologist on Tuesday and after examining my heart on the sonar he agreed that I could stop taking the medication! No more Warfarin and Rampil, yey! I'm still continuing with the beta blocker for a while because that is not dangerous should I fall pregnant. The damaged wall in my heart has healed very well, and we are very thankful for that. So now there is nothing preventing us to go ahead with our 'family planning'. No pressure. 

So many of my friends have had babies this year or are currently pregnant. Maybe one day if God wills I will also be one of those people who fall pregnant and miraculously get to take home a baby 9 months later! Seems like everyone who didn't have a baby last year is pregnant this year...it must be really tough for people who struggle to fall pregnant. All I know is that one must never put your hope in 'things', e.g. in having a child, in getting married, in your husband, wife, in money, social status, your job or in reaching certain goals, etc. I believe that is why some people never get over their disappointments and losses. Because they are dealing with an idol issue. When you put your hope and trust in The One who is solid as a rock, who never changes or disappoints, then you can deal with absolutely anything. That's what happens when you put your trust in the Creator rather than the creation. 

I read my blog (everything up to day 53) over the last few weeks. What a hectic ride it was. Looking back, a few things are obvious. 

 - God was there all along. He never left us alone. 

- God has given us supernatural strength to deal with everything.

- He was faithful in not only sustaining us, but teaching us and changing us to become more like His Son.

- He is in control. He is sovereign in everything. What a comforting thought, because we know He is also good and infinite in wisdom.

- Nothing on this earth can and should get us down because the hope and undeserved gift we have in Jesus overpowers it all.

These are the thoughts that bring me to tears. Yes, off course I miss Tabitha. But I am not sad when I think about her. God has given me a new heart.

I'll leave you with the following scriptures. Can you believe that the Bible can be so specific - that God talks through His Word in every single situation we may face? Run to His Word in your difficulties - Jesus the WORD made FLESH (John 1:14), is the answer.

Heb 12:4-11
You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;  and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

     “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
       Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; 

        For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines,
      And He scourges every son whom He receives.”

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.  All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Psalm 119:75
 I know, O Lord, that Your judgments are righteous,
And that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.

Pictures of our Kite Day - Sunday 12 August

Joshua

Lily

Andrew

Katinka and I

Tabitha's bunny - posing with the cupcake arrangement

My mom and I

Almost!

Wessel and my dad

The engineer, readjusting the cord...

Success!

Wonderful August conditions for kite flying!

My turn!

Grant and Mel also built a lovely kite! Just a pity
the hearts and glitter blew away before the kite did!
It was a great effort nevertheless! Thanks guys!

Bow and arrow shooting tips...

Thank you all for coming! It was such a fun day!

Balloons in Paarl!

My niece Ezé, my sister Hilde and my nephew Juan

My cousin, Riette, and her friend in Watford, London –
thinking of Tabitha too...you guys are awesome!

Even with little wind, wohooo!

The Kite Day

Tabitha's first birthday week was very special. Wessel was away for work on her birthday, and being by myself gave me time to remember her and the events from a year ago. Some memories are, off course, very disturbing and sad, but all in all it is good for me to remember. I set aside all responsibilities for the day and spent some time reading some details of her life from my blog. I stayed in bed until late, reading a book, crying and answering messages and phone calls. My friend Luzaan decided to take me for lunch, and that's when the snow came down all over Sandton. It was such a special moment. Everything feels surreal when it snows, especially here in Joburg where we hardly ever see snow. Apparently Joburg saw some snow in 2007, and before that in 1981! At the risk of sounding a bit self absorbed, it felt like God sent us snow as a special message on Tabitha's birthday. Whether He did or not, it was very special - I will never forget it. We had lunch at a quaint little bakery. It was freezing and it felt like we were in Europe. (The thermometer was around 2 degrees celcius at lunchtime.) They even played my favourite music!

When I came back, there were three bunches of flowers delivered to my house. From Wessel, his family and my parents. As I was arranging them in pots two more bunches arrived - from my sister and friends. They are beautiful! My house is still looking like a flower shop! I was really spoiled and the day could not have been more special. It was the perfect day.

My parents came to visit for the weekend, and they gave me a beautiful ring to remember Tabitha by. Absolutely exquisite and totally unexpected. On Sunday we continued the one year memorial celebrations with our Kite flying picnic. It was sunny, but not exactly warm. The wind was freezing, but nevertheless we attempted the long anticipated event. We baked pretty cupcakes and set off with our home made kite. Some friends came to join us. They even brought their own kites along. It was very special. It was beautiful to see our kite fly higher and higher with its pink bow tail and banner and the number '1' drawn on the white plastic. We hope that it caught Tabitha's attention from whatever she is doing in heaven! Even if it didn't, we all enjoyed it very much and even the weather turned out to be quite nice. How wonderful to enjoy quality time with friends and family around the memory of our precious baby girl. We hope to do this every year from now on. 

Thank you also to people elsewhere who celebrated the day with us. My sister in Paarl and her family sent balloons up into the sky as the rainy weather is not ideal for kite flying. My niece even drew a picture of herself and Tabitha on the balloon. My cousin in the UK also had a picnic and flew a beautiful butterfly kite to remember Tabitha! 

I'm posting lots of pictures in another post and a video here. (Make sure you put on the sound at the bottom left.) Enjoy!

One year later: the things I've learned

Last year this time I was laying in a hospital bed, unaware of what the next day, let alone the next 2 months would bring. The nurses looked a bit worried, but I wasn't. I thought we'd be fine. I thought they'll stabilise my blood pressure and send me home until Tabitha was due. Her heart was beating beautifully on the monitors. Quickly did I learn that doctors can't fix everything. Even after the emergency ceasar I thought she would be ok because the doctors have everything under control. And loosing my baby was the last thing I ever expected to happen to me. Now I believe that God sometimes show us who is in control, who we ought to put our trust in, by letting the clever people run out of options.

If I look back now, the amount of things I've learned since then is immense. I am very thankful for that. I do not wish that this tragedy never happened. I do not look back and think what I could have done differently. I do sometimes think how things could have been if I had a normal pregnancy and a healthy child, but more in the sense of how I miss her, what she would have looked like, how she would have achieved her milestones, etc. I love looking forward to meeting her again in heaven. Heaven is more personal to me now. 

I learned about God's sovereignty, wisdom and goodness and how nothing is out of his control. I learned that when our lives are anchored in Him, we have nothing to fear. Nothing that can possibly go wrong can take away my foundation, my hope, my strength which is in Jesus. I've learned this year that whatever the future may hold, I'll be ok. God will never leave me, He will give me the strength to deal with anything that happens and if I run this race well, one day I'll reach the finish line. Graduation day. And what a glorious day it would be. Not the end, but the beginning of a brand new life. The way God intended it, without sin and pain and suffering. 

I learned that this life is uncertain, that nothing we have is really our own, that bad things happen to everyone, that God can't be manipulated. I learned that God is the creator, and we are the creation. What He says is true, whether we believe it or not. As God's creation we don't get to call the shots. What we do get is direct access to our Father, who can not be conformed to our level, but in Jesus we are justified before Him. My Father is the boss and I get to talk to Him. Does He always give me what I want? No! He gives me what I need. He loves me too much to give me what I want. He sees the end from the beginning and the beginning from the end. Therefore I can trust Him, even when it doesn't make sense to me in my limited understanding. 

I learned that miracles do not give people faith. Not the kind of faith God requires. Everybody loves a sign and a wonder, but only the Word of God has the power to bring you to true faith in Jesus. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God (Rom 10:17). We have the example of the Israelites who saw some of the greatest signs of all time, but they were still unfaithful. Therefore we can pray for miracles, but what we should pray for more is the seed of God's Word to take root in people's hearts. And when that seed grows into a tree, the fruit of such a life will be a witness and a blessing to many a people in need of God's grace through faith in Jesus.

I learned that this life is short. It should not be wasted on ourselves, because we are not here for ourselves. We are here for God's glory. A judgement day is coming, whether we believe it or not. We have all the evidence and the witness of God's law that was written on our hearts. Instead of wasting time arguing with what we already know, we should submit to God and live our lives accordingly.

I learned that happiness and reaching our potential is not God's ultimate goal for our lives. He wants us to KNOW HIM and glorify Him with our lives. If suffering will bring us to that point, He will allow it. Not because He loves to see us suffer, but because he loves us so much, He wants us to share in His glory one day.

I learned that God is far bigger than we could ever imagine. I learned that Jesus suffered more than what I could ever experience. I learned that the Holy Spirit is here to guide me and comfort me and strengthen me. I don't have to DO much because Jesus already did everything. I don't have to pray special prayers or do special rituals or confess certain verses or claim special benefits over my life. I can keep my sanity and logic and just trust God. He knows what He's doing!

I find Psalm 119 extremely relevant. Verses 67, 71 and 75 are interesting. (Seems like God blessing people through affliction is nothing new!) Verses 33-40 especially is my prayer today:

³³  Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statutes;
    and I will keep it to the end.
³⁴  Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
    and observe it with my whole heart.
³⁵  Lead me in the path of your commandments,
    for I delight in it.
³⁶  Incline my heart to your testimonies,
    and not to selfish gain!
³⁷  Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things;
    and give me life in your ways.
³⁸  Confirm to your servant your promise,
     that you may be feared.
³⁹ Turn away the reproach that I dread,
    for your rules are good.
⁴⁰ Behold, I long for your precepts;
     in your righteousness give me life!

⁶⁷  Before I was afflicted I went astray,
    but now I keep your word.
⁶⁸  You are good and do good;
     teach me your statutes.

⁷¹ It is good for me that I was afflicted,
    that I might learn your statutes.

⁷⁵ I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous,
    and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
⁷⁶ Let your steadfast love comfort me...

Kite-flying postponed to Sunday 12 August

Ok slight change of plan...we decided to move Tabitha's birthday celebrations out to next Sunday the 12th of August, because then my parents are in town and then they can also join in. So we'll be at the same place at Emmarentia Dam on Sunday 12 August from around 12h00. 

Thanks to everybody far away that said they're also going to fly kites to remember Tabitha. I think its a great excuse to have some fun as a family! Enjoy and take lots of pictures, then I can post them all on the blog here!!! And of course if you want to do it this Sunday feel free! We're just postponing ours for practical reasons.

Tabitha's first birthday

Its hard to believe that it has almost been a year since Tabitha was born. Next Tuesday she would have turned 1! It is an emotional time for us as we are reminded of the events from one year ago. Wessel and I watched some videos the other night that he took on his phone of her. Seeing her cute little face again, moving and making sounds seems so unreal. Needless to say we were both in tears. It reminded me that she was a real person. She lived and died. She is not someone that I hoped for but never met. She is my daughter, I am her mother and we spent lots of hours together. Precious hours that I will never forget. Wessel also reminded me that our tears are for ourselves, and not for her, because she is whole and healthy and perfectly happy where she is now. She is so much better off. We cry because we really really miss her. She left a gap in our lives and in our hearts even though her life was so brief.

I decided to start a new family tradition. Wessel and I are building a kite, and we are going to celebrate her birthday by flying the kite and having a picnic and just enjoying some time out in the park. For me kites remind me of being a child. Kites are fun and free and pretty. It will be my way of reaching out to Tabitha and wishing her a happy birthday. Saying that we miss her and are thankful for her and think about her all the time. Its also fun to build a kite together as a couple and one day when we have other children (God willing) we'll do it with them and use the opportunity to tell them about their older sister in heaven. And August - known as the windy month - seems like the perfect timing for kite flying!

And the best thing of all is that EVERYONE and ANYONE is welcome to come and watch our kite (fly). We'll be at Emmarentia Dam (in the open spaces close to the Beyers Naude/Thomas Bowler road entrance) on Sunday 5 August from around 12h00. Come and say hi and bring your own picnic stuff. Or bring your own kite if you're up for it! Don't RSVP or anything, just come if you are in Joburg and if you feel like it.

 

Hope in tough times...

I don't know how to say this in an understandable way, but the gospel comes alive to me more and more by God's grace as we face trial upon trial. I don't know if anybody can relate. It's just that the saving power of the cross overshadows everything and anything that we, from an earthly human perspective, tend to make so much of. I think of my own situation and I feel sadness, frustration and pain. But when I look at it from the perspective of the cross, I have hope, thankfulness and joy. How can I be unthankful or mad when I realise how much I have and how little I deserve?  If our joy and hopes and dreams are limited to this life now, we could possibly keep that train running smoothly on track for a while, but soon, more often than not, we will find that its on a roller coaster track. There are no guarantees, formulas or bulletproof principles that we can apply to get what we want. This life is uncertain, full of pain and suffering. Yes, even for Christians. We don't live in paradise. We live in a world full of sin and imperfection. Sin caused us many troubles, but most of all, it separated us from God.

So you want to know how I'm doing? Better than ever, I'll have to say, because I understand the gospel better than ever before. I understand how little I have to offer God. In fact, I have nothing to offer God. He is holy, and I am sinful. A holy God can never look at sin and excuse it or try to overlook it. If He could, He wouldn't be holy anymore. A righteous God can never allow sin to go unpunished. If He did, He wouldn't be righteous anymore. He can't even say, that's ok, as long as you don't do it again. That would make Him a lousy and unrighteous judge! Our sin cannot go unpunished. The wages of sin is death. Eternal death. No one deserves the happiness they think they deserve. In light of God, who gives us the air that we breathe, whom we've sinned against and disregard and do not even seek to please in most cases, we really have no foot to stand on. Even our best efforts are like filthy rags in His sight.

Why do I always focus so much on sin and talk down on myself and others, why am I so negative, why do I have such low self esteem, you may ask. The more I think about the power of the gospel, the more I know how much God must love us. If we don't see our helpless state with no way of rescuing ourselves from what we rightfully deserve, we also cannot understand God's love and grace. Just focussing on God's grace has no merit if we don't know why on earth we need it. Would we need grace if we could obtain righteousness for ourselves without God's intervention? No. We needed someone to reconcile us to God, we needed a mediator. A mediator would need to understand the case of both parties. That is why God, in His grace (which does not take away from His righteousness or holiness) worked out a perfect plan from the beginning of time, to reconcile sinful and rebellious man to Himself. Not that He needed us. (He is 100% self sufficient.) He would send His Son, who would be fully God and fully man, (therefore the perfect mediator) and 100% sinless and perfect (therefore sufficient as an offering for sin) to pay the penalty on our behalf. He knew we could not do it ourselves.

2 Cor 5:21  For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

So the glory of the gospel is effectively this: The One from whom we need to be saved is the One who saved us. Its the greatest love story of all time.

We often find ourselves, as Christians, seeking a blessing from God. God is a good God, and He wants to bless us, we are told. I'm so over that. God has already blessed us! Everything He did from the moment sin entered the world, was with one purpose in mind - TO REDEEM US. To BLESS us with the greatest blessing of all time – JESUS, the saviour of our lost souls.
Rom 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

If that is not enough, we will never be content. This life will satisfy only a lucky few, for a short while. With the light of the gospel in mind, I realise more and more that my happiness is not in having a child or in acquiring success or good relationships or any other pursued thing here on earth. It all just seems so futile and petty in comparison to what I already have in Jesus. And that, dear friends, is all we need, I believe, to conquer any trial or suffering or lack. Hope, they say, conquer all things. A false hope will crush us even more, but a true hope will help us to endure even the most difficult of circumstances, until the end. Rom 8:18 [Paul said] 'For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.'

I encourage everyone therefore to go ahead and acquire all you want to acquire, but if you acquire only one thing, make sure its your eternal security. No death, sickness, or lack can ever take that away from you. And nothing you do can ever earn it for you. And nothing you acquire can ever be worth it, if it costs you your soul. Salvation is by grace alone, through faith alone, in Jesus alone. Nothing more, nothing less.

The gospel is about God, its not about us. I find that if I focus too much on myself I loose perspective and feel sorry for myself – I can easily find more than enough reason to get depressed. But when I focus on the gospel, the good news about Jesus who became a man, offered Himself as the perfect sacrifice for my sin and proved His deity by being raised from the dead, I have a hope and a joy anchored in eternity and not in things that can be here today and gone tomorrow. I heard a good and relevant quote recently - 'Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.' Do we get that? Don't structure your entire life around money and when judgement day comes, you don't have any security!
 
I leave you with one of my favourite verses lately:

'For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?' Mark 8:36

If all of this seems a bit silly to you, you can ask the Holy Spirit to make it alive in your heart as He did in mine. It is the wisest thing you could ever do. 1 Cor 1:18: ‘For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.’