Two beautiful F words

My one friend invited me to run with her in the mornings. She said she wants to get into road running again and if I would be interested to be her running partner. But I know she's lying. She's totally doing it for my sake. She's probably thinking healthy body, healthy mind. But who can get depressed when you have amazing friends like that! I'm so thankful for every single one of them.

By Noranne Dovey

Isn't it beautiful?
It makes me think of Tabitha and smile!

I'm also thankful for the amazing people I've met and became friends with through Tabitha's life. Some I've only met on facebook, but we have made a connection and hopefully we'll get to meet in real life one of these days. I've had people coming out of nowhere, stumbling across my blog by chance, (or maybe through God's hand), inviting me for coffee – my one newly found friend even painted beautiful pictures of us, for us. I must still get it from her! (She's also available for commissions!!!) 

One of my old friends, also put me in contact with one of her friends, who lost her twins 5 years ago. I'm looking forward to meet her soon! She is on her way to Cape Town at the moment to visit her sister, who had a baby 2 weeks ago, sadly also born with complications and still in NICU. His name is Benjamin Marais and you can read updates on his progress here.

Wessel's brother got to go home last week and is delighted to be home after 1 and a half weeks in ICU and just over 2 weeks in hospital. We went to see them this weekend. It's good to see him on his feet again! We thank the Lord for his speedy recovery! He'll rest at home for a while but hopefully he will be able to go back to work next year.

I had lunch today with another new friend, Sebastian's mom. What a roller coaster ride it has been (and still is) for her. Remember last time I mentioned the operation he had to get to insert a feeding tube. The operation was a success but he had a hard weekend after that, getting lots of fits and making his mother stress. They did another MRI scan on his brain and it seems like God did a miracle because unlike before, and after getting all the fits, there was no scarring and the blood clot had resolved! But the doctor said that realistically they still expect him to be disabled to some extent, just not sure what that extent will be, because he's been through so much and 4 and a half months in NICU is not something you just walk away from without consequences. And then on Monday they said he can come home on Wednesday (tomorrow)! We were SOOO excited! But today he had an obstruction in his bowel again so there we go again. Around and around...up and down we go! I'm telling you this is one of the hardest things I think anyone can go through. Please continue to pray for her and Sebastian. The good thing is she's come to know Jesus through this whole ordeal so once again this is proof how God can use our circumstances to work together for our own good! God is good!

Did I mention before that I love the Bible. We chatted about it today as well and every time I am just amazed at what an amazing book it is. The whole thing is grafted together in one big story that contains everything we need to know about anything and the theme of the book is Jesus. The whole plot from the beginning maps out God's redemption plan for humankind through Jesus. We know it to be true and God to be true because it proofs itself to be true. It knows stuff that no human being could have known, because it was inspired by God. About the planet, the universe, science, politics, both past, present and future. The prophecies are all fulfilled in Jesus. Not 80% or 90% of them, but all of them. Don't be intimidated by it. Explore it. Study it. If you're looking for the truth, you will find it. If you don't want to find the truth because you're afraid that you'll have to change and you don't want to, you won't find it. Cool hey?

One of the analogies I recently enjoyed is the one of bearing fruit. The Bible has the best metaphors in the world. Fruit is delicious and one tree's fruit can be enjoyed by everybody. Note that fruit is not everything we want it to be. Bearing fruit is not something you DO. Its a result of being planted firmly in fertile soil and getting enough sunshine, water and oxygen. (Being rooted in the Word of God and feeding yourself daily). Good fruit comes when you kill pests before it destroys your crop (sin). And in order to bear good fruit the tree has to be pruned in the right season (trials). Trees don't go around boasting about their fruit. Its just there and people are blessed by it. Its what comes out and you don't feel the need to boast about it on social media, because you know its by grace and not your own strength. Christians these days unfortunately are sometimes not measured by their fruit but by their works and so called 'achievements' that they believe they achieve for God through their 'ministry'. If they pray and fast everybody needs to know so that everybody can know how spiritual they are. If they help the poor they have to get the media to do a press release. The examples go on and on. What is fruit according to the Bible?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22,23)

This is how you recognise a fruit bearing Christian! Not by DOING certain things but by just being Christian. By the way, notice how all these things can only be tested when circumstances are the opposite. E.g. love is best revealed when someone is unloving towards you, joy is only evident when life is difficult and you can find your joy in Jesus despite of it, etc. Being peaceful when you're at the spa with Kenny G playing in the background while you're getting a massage is not a fruit of the spirit, you catch my drift.

Rather be a small tree that is still busy growing, aiming to bear real tasty fruit in a few years' time, than one with a lot of fancy shmancy kitch Christmas decorations, disguising the fact that there are no fruit on it in the first place!!!

Those of you still trying to figure out the two words – its Friends and Fruit.  :)

 

My favourite room

I thought I'll post some pictures of Tabitha's room, since it is my favourite room in the house. When she was born we hardly had anything ready, except a few loose items and ideas in my head. As the furniture arrived things started to take more shape. There were times while she was in hospital when I was so sure she was going to come home so I continued to get everything ready. I remember the weekend before she died, I still packed out the chest of drawers and showed my mother in law all her little outfits. I couldn't wait for her to wear everything. After she died there were still a few elements missing, like the wall decor I had ordered online. Nevertheless, I decided to finish it off the way it was planned. You might think its sad but its not necessarily a sad place for me. I know one of these days we'll get the chance to use it the way it should be used. In the meantime I want to remember her and having all her items together in one room helps me do that. Obviously most of the items she never got a chance to use. But there is also a little white box with items from the hospital, like hair locks we cut off after she died, her socks, hats, her little blood pressure band, dummies and the prem nappies she used to wear. The top drawer also has some of the blankies she used, including her weighted blanket (it helped keep her calm when she was jittery), unwashed. 

There are two pillows in the room that I made, the one is pieced together from scraps of material, and the other one has a heart out of crocheted roses, with the words 'grace and beauty'. That is what Tabitha means. I made them before she was born.

Next to the dandelion above her cot is a ceramic plate with her foot prints, made by the nurses on the day of her death. It is a beautiful memory. It has her name and her date of birth and date of death. The nurse brought it to me the other day while I was having coffee with my friend, Sebastian's mother. It is so special! I also went up to say hello to some of the other nurses and I got to see beautiful little Sebastian as well.

I said the other day that people don't know how to handle death. I must include myself in that statement. Sometimes I find myself saying the stupidist things. I said that I like to talk about Tabitha, but the other day I saw someone and she said she heard I had a baby. I said yes. She said is it a boy or a girl? So I said its a girl...(pause) but she died. Full stop. The poor woman didn't know what to say and I didn't elaborate. I was so blunt. Maybe I thought she must've heard by now or I don't know but the fact is she didn't know. 

I like it when people say that they're sorry to hear, even if they might think that there are no words that can make me feel better. Its nice to know that people care or that they took notice that there was a little girl named Tabitha, and she mattered. But then I find myself saying more stupid things like 'yes it was tough but its over now'. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? It's not over! She may not be here anymore but I miss her every day and I wish that she could also be healthy like all the other healthy kids I see around me every day and that I can hold her one more time! I don't think its over until that glorious day arrives when I will see her again. I find myself getting emotional when I sing songs in church about that day. Don't get me wrong, I have made peace with everything that happened but I am still human and I still miss my baby girl. 

When I look around me there are so many bad and sad things happening in people's lives. My prayer list has never been this long. I believe that God is using it to tell us to WAKE UP and stop wasting our lives on meaningless petty little things that has no value for our souls and for other people's souls. Its so easy to stay busy doing things that might seem important to us, but in the bigger scope of things they mean nothing. Many people might not understand it, and it might seem cruel to some, but God cares more for our souls than what he cares about our comfort and happiness on earth. Jesus said in Matthew 16:24

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?  For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done."

I believe God will even push you to your limits if that is what it takes to learn to trust Him with all your heart. It's not about how strong we are or how much we can handle. Its about being made strong when we are at our weakest. Like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 12:10 - For when I am weak, then I am strong. Therefore we can be thankful in all circumstances because God is using it to our benefit. Isn't that great to know? 

So here is an update from a part of my prayer list...

Gerhard, my brother in law. He's shown such great improvement the last few days after his motorbike accident two weeks ago. He was moved out of ICU last week Thursday and is on his way home tonight! We thank God for his speedy recovery! Pray with us that he will continue to get stronger and that all the pain meds won't mess him up too much! Apparently those rib breaks are the worst...

Sebastian, Tabitha's ex NICU neighbour. He has had his 4 month birthday this week and has been through so much during this time. He had a feeding tube operation on Friday to help him with his feeds because he struggles to learn how to suck. He doesn't like anaesthetics much so this whole weekend was a bit rough for him and his mother. He went for an MRI scan this afternoon to check how his brain is doing. Doctors expect him to be disabled. We don't know what's going to happen but his mother and I are trusting God because He is in control! And miracles can still happen!

And then another friend of mine ended up in hospital on her 30th birthday last week. Her body is showing weird symptoms and the doctors are still doing tests in order to make a diagnosis. She obviously doesn't know what to expect so having to wait makes it even more difficult.

If you want you can pray with me for these people and their families! They will appreciate it very much!


 

Help, I'm disillusioned!

Since I have the blog now I might just as well share some more honest thoughts. If you don't like it I apologise in advance. But at least consider it before you switch off!

I really appreciate people who can be honest and talk freely about things that matter. There is nothing as frustrating for me as wasting time talking about the weather and Malema. Especially after being exposed to reality in so many ways. Not only my own, but also after seeing other people who are going through really tough times. Its so easy, especially here in Joburg, to get caught up in materialism, vanity and impressing others. Really people. 

Its overwhelming how many people are uncomfortable with death. Or anything terrible that happens for that matter. Especially Christians. I'll tell you why. Some Christian circles teach that prayer is like a magic wand. God is just waiting for you to pick it up and speak the magic words and there you go. God acts on your request. Or demand. Or 'declaration'. Or they believe that by their 'obedience', which in actual fact is just the keeping of the law, they are entitled to certain successes. I'm getting sidetracked here, but the truth is that Jesus came to fulfill the law. Isaiah 64:6 says that our righteousness are as filthy rags. Your works do not impress God. And in Galatians 5:4 Paul says that You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. So if you think that anything other than accepting the work of Jesus on the cross and being forgiven for your unrighteousness by grace will earn you anything, you have missed the gospel completely. Yes, if anybody tells you to be saved by grace and do this or that, they are teaching a false gospel. Obviously if you realise that you're getting a gift that you don't deserve and that you are made righteous by grace alone, you would want to turn away from any sins. But it starts with a change of heart. It cannot be imposed on someone from the outside. What I'm trying to say is that even the most law-abiding prayer worrier Christian do not 'deserve' and therefore cannot claim any earthly blessing.

Other people who are into life coaching, positive thinking and motivational talking also try to avoid or ignore the subject of death. They believe that you are the master of your own universe, that you can shape your future and that happiness and success comes from your own inner strength, you must just tap into it and train your mind to do all sorts of things and wallah. Magic.

These types of people are disillusioned when a baby dies. And if it is the baby of a Christian who prayed, believed God and maybe even applied positive thinking techniques, even more so. That is why so many people tell me 'wow its so amazing that you went through all of this and kept your faith'. I can't imagine loosing your faith just because things do not go according to plan. I can imagine loosing your faith if you believe in the magic wand prayer and all the other stuff I mentioned. I would also. I know these things cannot be true because firstly the Bible doesn't teach it and secondly because it doesn't work. It only works when things go according to plan. Certain things we can control. But sometimes God reminds us that we are not in control. He is. We are small and insignificant. We are nothing to be proud of. No achievement can impress him. No good deed or cause will sway his thoughts about us. In ourselves, he sees our sin, because He is holy. But He also loves us and worked out our redemption from the beginning of time. Through Jesus He sees us as righteous and worthy to spend eternity with Him. How silly it would be to think that we can save ourselves.

Huisgenoot phoned me yesterday. They're going to use Tabitha's story in an article. I hope that more people who are faced with the realities of life will find peace and comfort in God (the real God that is!) in reading her story.

Four weeks ago

Four weeks ago around this time we experienced the last precious moments with our sweet baby girl. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the events of that last day replay in my mind like a movie. I enjoy tuning in to watch. I often get tears in my eyes but I like thinking about her and remembering what it felt like to touch her soft skin and stroke her silky hair and kiss her neck and let her fingers wrap around one of mine. The memories are so dear to me but I'm afraid I will forget them. I remember the joy of listening to her soft breaths. I remember the pain in my heart when she cried. And I remember the silent moments where I just sat and watched her for hours.

I know in some cultures its not allowed to talk about the deceased after the funeral. Well, I couldn't do that. I like talking about my baby. Its weird being childless and not pregnant, after everything that has happened. Work came crashing on me again with a bang and from the outside it looks like things are back to normal. I don't want to continue like we're back to normal. I am a mother, I have a baby, even though she's not with me but with Jesus. Like other mothers I like talking about my child. And don't worry, I won't break out in tears if you mention her name. I am not emotionally unstable.

The lady from the Breast Milk Bank came to collect all her milk on Monday. I told her all about Tabitha. Her huge round cooler bag was not big enough so we filled up another three plastic bags full. She told me that I am only the 45th donor for this year, so I'm sure they'll be able to put Tabitha's milk to good use.

The census guy came by on Tuesday. He was not very interested, but I got to talk to him about Tabitha as well. Not in detail, but I had to answer questions like 'Have you had a baby before', and when I said yes the guy couldn't make out why we're only two people staying here. So I said she died. I had to give her birth date, and answer more questions like 'Were you pregnant when she died?' and 'Did she live less than 6 weeks?' No. She lived more than 6 weeks. She counts. She had more than 6 weeks on this earth! 'Reason for death?' Natural causes.

I get sad when I see other friends of mine who's had babies this year.  There are so many. Fourteen new babies if I count quickly. They get to do normal things like be sleep deprived and worry about feeding patterns. They get to not find time to do anything else. They get to hang out in the baby isles at the shops. They get to see their babies grow up and do a first sound, first smile, first crawl, first steps. Another friend of mine sent me a message shortly after Tabitha died. She said that Tabitha is probably skipping with the other heaven children by now. Or maybe He will first let her roll, sit and then crawl, He knows how important milestones are! That's how I like to imagine it!

Sometimes I think its unfair. But I never get to dwell much on that thought, because I know every gift we have on this earth is just that. A gift. We don't deserve any of it anyway. Don't say life is unfair. The only fair thing is that we all die and go to hell. That is what we deserve. Not one of us are good. We might think we are but compared to perfection (Jesus) we are all bad. None of us can live up to the standard. Maybe according to our own standards we are good, but not according to God's standard. He is the ultimate Judge so that should be the only standard that counts. At the final countdown our opinions don't matter.

That's why we are hopeless without Christ. We desperately need His salvation to be reunited with our Father in Heaven. Through the perfect Lamb's ultimate sacrifice on the cross and His resurrection can we 'deserve' heaven.  Its not by our own efforts, which should be a relief to most of us. 1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

That is the most precious gift of all. The gift of getting better than what we deserve. Just sad that so many reject it because they trust their own opinions rather than listen to the truth of God. It is there for everybody who is humble enough to receive it. And it is the ONLY way, although you might think I am being politically incorrect. Sorry, our opinions don't count! But you do get to choose, just like everybody else. At least we can all agree that life is fair in that sense.

I look forward to the day that I will get to heaven and have my daughter come running to say hello and show me her room, or maybe her castle! We will spend eternity together where there are no heart rate monitors, no needles, no antibiotics, no pain, no crying and no sadness. That is where life truly begins. O, how I look forward to that day! I'm not saying I want to die yet, I think I want to at least take some sibling(s) for Tabitha with me if God wills!

Update on Gerhard - He is doing much better although he had us worry a lot on Monday when he had a fit. Thank God there does not seem to be any brain injury like they suspected. He is on a ventilator to help his lungs function properly while he is on pain relief medication.  He has it pretty bad with 14 breaks in his left ribcage alone! Please continue praying for him and his family as we trust that he will continue to get better.

Have a wonderful day everybody!

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An unexpected curveball

Rough weekend. We were just starting to return to normal weekend activities, except maybe that they would be a little more busy, with a whole line of friend lunch and dinners lined up (catching up for lost time!) when Wessel phoned me. I was doing my weekly shopping. He sounded terrible. His brother had been in a motorcycle accident in Lesotho, where he and a few fellow bike enthusiasts went riding for the weekend. We didn't have much news so we didn't know what to expect. We decided to go down to Bloem to try and offer some support. 

On our way there, the news came through that he would probably be transported to the Medi Clinic in Bethlehem, so we changed course and went straight there. The rest of the family, including his wife and two kids, are in Bloem. We waited a while in Bethlehem to hear whether he was on his way to Bethlehem or if they were flying him down to Bloem. By 5pm they still haven't reached the border of Lesotho, so we went to Clarens (30km outside of Bethlehem) to have dinner. Wow the vibe there is so much nicer than in Bethlehem! 

To make a long story short, he finally arrived in Bethlehem, and they took some x-rays. He must have had such a hectic day, being on the stretcher in the ambulance for 5 hours on the unpaved and potholed roads in Lesotho. He broke his collarbone and about 10 ribs, some in more than one place. So every bump on the road must have been excruciating. He also developed some bleeding around his liver. The good news was that he was stable and that he could talk to us and that generally he came off it quite lightly. It could have been much worse.

Hanging out in the hospital, and especially the ICU felt way too familiar. We needed no introduction to any of the machines. Wessel looked at the X-ray and made a few comments. The nurse looked at him and asked if he is a doctor! Haha. He runs the risk of sounding like a doctor or acting like one wherever he goes.

We tried to update the family as much as possible, and today we also went there early to try and speak to a doctor and see if they can transfer him to Bloem. A million phone calls to try and get him airlifted to Bloem was to no avail. Eventually the ambulance came to pick him up and they left for Bloem just before 3pm. That was when we also came back to Joburg. What a weekend. We are just relieved and thankful that he seems ok under the circumstances and given enough time and good care, he will be back to his old self again. 

I took a book with to read, and interestingly enough the chapter was about living a selfless life. Do you know that Paul and Moses actually cared so much for other people that they were willing to sacrifice their souls (i.e. go to hell!) if only they could see the people's souls be saved? (See Romans 9:3 and Exodus 32:32). I'm pretty sure I'm not there yet. This is an interesting road. We grow as we go.

When something so traumatic happens people respond differently. But for me with the whole Tabitha experience, I wanted to dig deeper to find truth. There’s a temporary sort of consolidation in well-intended, philosophical fairytale consolations, but lasting, meaningful consolidation can only be found through knowing God. And the best way to get to know God is to read His book. When you read His book and you don’t understand it, don’t worry. You have the rest of your life to let Him teach it to you. One of the best ways, I think, God reveals Himself and His Word is through trials. Its often also through trials that we learn to pray.

Why should we pray if God is sovereign and He already knows what He wants to do? Sometimes God’s will is to deliver us from the adversity, sometimes it is the provision of grace to accept the adversity. Either way it is an act of faith, so we always need to pray. And I think its always fine to pray for God’s deliverance, because we always want deliverance. As long as we do it with a humble acceptance that His will will be done. Jesus did the same when He asked God to let this cup be taken from Him (referring to the crucifixion). But He added,”Not my will, but Your will be done”. (Matt 26:39)

I believe then we can always be assured of the best possible outcome. God always knows best! And if the situation turns out to be one of those, like mine, where you have to accept the adversity, God will provide enough grace that you will be able to handle it. Don't go to Jesus for good advice on how to fix your life. Instead receive the good news that Jesus is faithful!

I pray that God will also be glorified through Gerhard's situation, even though it is unfortunate and not pleasant to go through for him or the rest of the family. But I believe that God delivered him from a potentially life threatening situation! We are so thankful. Please pray for a speedy recovery and no further complications. And off course, that God will provide his beautiful family with the necessary strength and peace to deal with this situation, one day at a time.

Tabitha's scrapbooking

Telkom finally came through for us! So here are a few pics from Tabitha's scrapbook as promised...

We're being challenged this week with technology letting us down. Not only Telkom, and therefore no internet, but also both our phones, and my laptop's battery (ordered a new one 2 weeks ago but the late Steve Jobs' passing is now blamed for a delay in orders!), and our dishwasher (we've also been waiting for a new pump for over 2 weeks – ironically the guarantee expired on Tabitha's birth date). Navigating being supposedly back at work via the pitfalls is just ridiculous, I won't bore you with the details! And no, I don't know why everything happens at once! But at least we are slowly getting there with having internet again since a few hours ago. We really are lost without our gadgets. Being degraded to a Nokia when you're not used to it any more can be demoralising. But I just thought to myself that I've survived much worse days than this :) I'm not gonna let it get me down!

Enjoy!